Oh wait on just remembered something you guys will laugh at...
At lunch at a restaurant, she LEFT HER PHONE IN THE CAR FOR ALMOST TWO HOURS.
only an LBS with an affairing WAS would appreciate te seriousness of that LOL
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
She is spiraling, SM. Don't be part of that. It has less to do with you than you realize. It will be very good for her to have the tables turn a little. Make some plans and GAL as soon as possible.
"I'm not going tonight, so we can decorate the house!! Bring on xmas! Ho ho ho ;)"
You should have confronted her about this. That you won't be the second person any longer and that won't be constantly disrespected because she is your wife.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
MrBond I know what you mean. But the thing is, I stopped acting or suggesting like I'm waiting a long time ago.
What I mean is that I don't continue to say things that make it like I'm waiting. So telling her that we can do this or that whenever she drops the loser, seems like I'm back tracking at this point... or am I wrong? Let me know what you think of this position.
Its tricky when you act like you are moving on, and its been a year already. Do you continue to say 'as long as you are with OM then....' or does that imply you are waiting.
Then again, if there is no one else you are seeing, doesn t that scream 'I'm waiting' louder than saying it?
I hate these cat and mouse games! I just wanted a family and I nice quiet life..
Read an article today about mismatches in relationships..
Basically it said that allowing your wife to contribute less in the form or work and money and child care than you, gives her the chance to begin to feel like she is above you.... and that YOU are lucky to have HER instead of the other way around. She begins to disrespect you and $hit tests increase, and as the husband fails ever time, attraction goes out the window.
Then she feels she is ENTITLED to another man friend.
The author calls it the Good Husband Trap.
After providing for her from way back in our college days, I feel I fell into this trap too.
That's why I'm hoping that when her new paychecks start hitting our account and then being sucked up for mortgage and bills like mine have for years, she will better appreciate my sacrifices.
She will have 'skin in the game' as I read somewhere else. Makes it harder to walk away when you've invested so much.
But also our sitch was based heavily around an undertone of financial difficuly and so I'm hoping in the next few months she will begin to see that our marriage can be better than it was because we will be able to actully DO STUFF..which she complained that w could no longer do. In her eyes I stopped being a good provider and she gave no allowance for the terrible economy and the beating my business has taken in retail.
She starts getting paid on dec 14TH My daughter goes from $700 a month in private daycare to FREE in the public school program for learning delayed kids And, my business enters peak season in january
Things should get much better financially so that will at least remove that complaint.
Just need to refocus on the complaints about my character flaws and really start to be the husband only a fool would leave...
And that should bring it all together.
If not, then nothing will.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Just finished having fun at the park with D3. There was a great spanish family that we played soccer with. It was fun, but also sad at the same time. They have what all of us here want... a real family.
Father, wife, three boys all in a row, and one little girl. I swung two of the boys and my daughter on a tire swing and they jad a blast!
Then one of the boys asked me 'does she have a mommy?', pointing at my daughter. I said yes she does but she is at home. He said 'so how come you two are here on your own?'.
The little boy is so used to doing everything as part of this big family that he could not relate to how you would go to the park without one of the family.
That would have been me when I was his age. And I guess its still me... the boy who believes in a family.
Its so hard to let go of that ideal. So hard. I thought I was over that, and that's why I am back here to learn from everyone and to become that happy guy regardless of my shattered dream. I guess I'm not as over it as I thought.
Tough stuff this. Shattered dreams are hard to overcome.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
On a more positive note, I guess its not over yet. the dream is shattered, but I'm still trying to piece it back together. So far all the pieces are there, just can't figure out how they all fit together again.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
SM, I agree with you - it is very difficult to accept that your dream has been shattered. But, like you said, perhaps there is still a chance for it - and a more fulfilling realization of that dream. Or, maybe there is something else out there that is even *better* than your dream, and you just don't know it yet. Also, don't assume anything about other families. I know it is easy to look at the families you see everywhere, and think "gee, I wish that was me." But it turns out that most families have problems, some worse than others of course. I was so jealous of a friend of mine - she and her husband have what appears to be a perfect life - nice house, money, four cute kids, health, she always looks great, etc. Until I found out that her M is very much on the rocks. I really never would have guessed it.
Also, I have decided to try to be grateful for the things I have, but also to be grateful for the ways in which things are better since BD. My H does not live here anymore, and he may well end up wanting a D - and we all know it is a serious understatement to say that $UCKS.. But I am SUCH a better person now. I like ME so much better. I like HIM so much better. We get along so much better. He is starting to enjoy spending time with me rather than dreading coming home ash night after work. I have rid myself of most of my self loathing. And then the little things. There is never stuff left wet in the washing machine for three days. I don't have to worry about him stealing all the covers at night, or waking me up with his snoring. I can do what I want without wondering if he is going to judge me or think it's not good enough. When he is grouchy about work, or whatever, I don't get the brunt of it. The list goes on.
So try not to focus on shattered dreams. Focus on the positives - or at the very least, the facts. Your dream is not yet shattered. And if you do end up getting D, you will have a new dream. I promise. And you will be in a great place to make it come true.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Melissa thank you for your inspiring comment. Yes you are right that something better might be out there for all or us. But what about our kids? What about my daughter?
Im from a culture that is used to sacrificing everything for their kids. We have life long marriages and we all know they are not all happy. But the kids get a solid family life and stability. What about their dream?
Its just so selfish. There's no going around that.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
I'm not saying people should settle for a crappy marriage. Just that not so much REAL effort seems to be happening these days. Its mostly people driven by emotions.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Melissa thank you for your inspiring comment. Yes you are right that something better might be out there for all or us. But what about our kids? What about my daughter?
I think the same thing, but what can you do? My kids will, in all likelihood (if we get D), grow up with Daddy issues. H is a great Dad (if that can be said about someone who leaves his family) and still sees them, but they are smart enough to know, even now, without being told, that H is the one made this decision. Right now they are OK because they think he is coming back when his lease ends in May (he is well aware of this and doesn't disabuse them of this notion - I am sure that will just add to the things for them to discuss in therapy).
It's all part of accepting that we can't control other people. The only thing we can do is do our best to make sure that our kids get the best life possible, given the circumstances that are beyond our control. And yes, when I think about my kids living their lives with Mom and Dad not together (and don't even get me started on stepfamilies - I won't even go there, way too complicated), it breaks my heart. It really does. I think I just have not gone there too much because I am trying to focus on the positive.
Quote:
Its just so selfish. There's no going around that.
You are right. There is no way around it. But what can you do? My H freely acknowledges he is being selfish, but does that stop him? Nope. I guess there is something about his upbringing or his personality or whatever that allows him to be OK with that. Sigh.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I can do what I want without wondering if he is going to judge me or think it's not good enough. When he is grouchy about work, or whatever, I don't get the brunt of it. The list goes on.