Love is a Choice

[uRworthy]

Hey Wonka, thanks for doing the dirty work and looking out. I appreciate it.

[JFun51]

Great day so far in my world. Both boys had bball games today and then we watched other age groups play as well. 10 am until 9pm in the gym with a break for lunch. Long day but I love watching my boys. W was more in touch today. Less attached to her phone and engaged me in conversation much of the day.

Since we've been home, I baked cookies for everyone. Wifey commented from her lair how good they smelled. She even came down after her shower to get a couple and a cup of hot cocoa I made. She was beautiful in a little t shirt, sweats, and fuzzy socks. Dam I still love her very much. When she is so normal like this it's harder to focus. She is just in such a state of confusion that she can't see what's in this house. 3 boys that love her and always will.

BTW, as I sit here and get all squishy my 2 big tomcats and W's little doggie have snuggled up with me in my chair. Warm fuzzies knew I needed love.

[tigerlily78]

I am glad you had a nicer day today with your W. I know what you mean, sometimes the person you fell in love with is peeking out and it makes you remember why you are putting up with all the other crap they are putting you through right now.

[AJM]

Conversations with your boys. Nothing compares. For either of you. One of the greatest gifts I was given by my ex was her leaving. Not because I didn't miss her or didn't love her. But because she could not stay out of the relationship I had with my kids. Sadly, I learned much of my reactions to what she was doing during IC. I'm not proud of my reactions or how it affected the kids. I tried for a very long time to "see" why the dynamic was how it was, but for some reason I had blinders on that kept me from seeing the fourth player's role. Not blaming her - my reactions are my own responsibility. But I am truly grateful for being able to see it now. To see that part of the dynamic that was difficult for me to understand and was what I needed to be the father I truly was and want to be. Nothing horrible mind you, but it wasn't "right" for me nor my kids until that revelation. Blessings come in many forms. Sons need their parents. No question. But at times during their growth, they sometimes need one more than the other. Sons tend to need their dads more as teens and early adults than they did when they were younger. They need more dad guidance than mothering at that time in many cases. You're lucky to have that time and you seem to be using it wisely. You won't regret it

It's my Mom, what the heck do I say?

I realize it's not how you were raised, but it doesn't seem to be working for you to have this unresolved. The obvious choice is to bring it up. The obvious choice is to be you and take what comes. I think you'll be surprised at what comes of that as the walls come down. Just because the child has to be the one to bring it down, doesn't mean it doesn't need to happen nor that it isn't needed by both. Something to contemplate.

Unresolved with my dad because he died in 2007 and basically made the decision to not fight his cancer. One round of chemo had little effect and he refused any more treatment. I wasn't a very good son during all that and have not forgiven myself.

Mother was always in control and handled everything in the house. Dad was quiet and very much codependent. He loved me very much, always helped with sports teams, though he knew very little. When mom left, I felt abandoned by him. I still have a hard time seeing pictures of me and Daddy together when I was little. That loving, caring man died when Mom left.

I love my mother. She comes to as many of my kids games, plays, functions as she can. At some point, this wall between us must come down. Our family just didn't share emotions.

I can relate. I felt abandoned by my father when my mom "left" as well. I never doubted he loved me, but he was "gone" from my life when I needed him. He's human.

I didn't come from a divorced family, but I've heard of the anger. I've seen it in other families. I've seen it last a lifetime or two. I cannot imagine wanting to live like that.

For you, this is a time to learn and try new things. Perhaps wall demolition is something to try?

As for your dad. Did he turn his back on you? Was there anger toward you? Or was it something different?

Can you better relate now how he may have been thrown for a loop and was unable to be the dad you thought he should? You now know how it must have felt. Add to that the generational impact and feeling like he lived a lie for all those years and it was likely overwhelming to the point of barely being able to function and figuring life was over for him and others were better off without him (depression).

Are you ready yet to forgive him for his reactions to the situation? For being human.

My grandmother almost left my grandfather when my mom was a teen. She was off her rocker with guilt, anger, and other emotions. Back then, when people did crazy things (she did)they put you in a crazy bin. She was there a week and tells how the doc would come in each day and talk to her. Each day she relayed how angry at my grandfather and mom she was. On the seventh day she realized she was angry at herself and went home.

My great uncle left his wife when they were young. He said she as crazy. He was cheating on her, so I suspect she had a right to be angry at him. But his boys never forgave him. They were bitter up to the end. At least for one - he died last year and when I spoke to him I could still hear the anger toward his father.

Anger is a tough thing to carry with you. And it does you no good long term.

For what it's worth, I see some things you will need to work on for you. At least, I'd want to if I were you. Heck, I've been you and didn't know I needed to until all h*ll broke loose with my ex. and I. As the realization grew however, I knew I needed to. Don't get me wrong - it doesn't excuse my ex for what she did. Not in the least. She didn't do it because of me - she made her own choices. But I see this opportunity and I have and am taking it. I'm glad for it. I thank God each night for the opportunity. Each time my ex tries to pick a fight or accuses me of something, I thank God for this opportunity. I am incredibly grateful and believe me, that's a long way from where I was. It's been worth every minute for me. My son has benefited greatly as well.

I'm just one opinion. But these are some things to think about.
Peace,
AJ

[ForeverYoung]

JF is just fine and dandy with the likes of Mach, T, FY, Eric, and AJ sweating it out in the sauna room doling out some ethereal wisdom with white towels draped over their "junk".

That's funny. Mach told me they where out of towels.

[JFun51]

All good on the ponderosa today cowpokes. S10 and I shared church by ourselves this morning as everyone else slept in. Lazy day as rain and cold prevail here. S10 has Christmas play tonight so there will be family outing in a bit. W finally got out of bed around 4 to eat and take a shower.

Last few days have been an exercise in giving her space. I have left her to her devices (literally, devices). She watched the same football game with me today, but from her room upstairs. She called down to me multiple times about what was going on in the game. Found it odd that we were watching tv together in different rooms. Such is the life. Bless her heart, she is in such a funk that she cannot see how weird her life has become. It's perfectly normal for her to lay in her room and ignore her family and then emerge randomly to talk like all us normal.

[JFun51]

Forgot to mention this tidbit. On BD back in July, as emotions were exploding I raged and knocked her phone off the table on the back porch, putting a small crack in the top corner. I noticed yesterday that the entire bottom half of the screen is now cracked with spiderwebs. She has made multiple comments to me over the last few months about ruining her phone and how it doesn't work properly.

Early on, each if these was met with a smarta$$ comment from old JF. Twice over the last 2 days now she has baited me with a comment about the new cracks. JF 2.0 gave her no fuel. I'm pretty sure she's dropped it or something, because this damage is new. I'm not even going there. DBing is an art form.

[tigerlily78]

Good for You J not taking the bait. I still find myself getting sucked into things sometimes. I am tempted to just wear the duct tape for awhile, that way I can't go wrong.

Maybe you can think look into screen repair service for Christmas, but then she would have to give up her phone for an afternoon. :P

[JFun51]

Question for discussion today:

S12 has unfortunately overheard some of our "discussions" over the last few months. Not sure what all he thinks he knows. W has made the comment that he heard me say that she had a "boyfriend" and no telling what else. I witnessed S12 peeking over her shoulder the other night to see who she was texting. He is a smart kid with a pretty good head on his shoulders. When we had a man to man talk several weeks ago, he told me he was afraid I was going to leave, not that W was going to ask me to, but that I would choose to. I assured him I wasn't going anywhere and that I loved him no matter what.

So here's the problem: S12 probably knows that his mother is engaging conversation or relations with another man. Trying not to mind read, but he seems to be very suspicious of her activity. How can I address this so that he can feel comfortable and safe. As a 12 year old, he's trying to figure out relationship dynamics anyway, and this sure isn't helping. I have avoided using our children as pawns and tried to protect them from this storm. I know W's relationship with him is hers to deal with, but it is my responsibility to protect my son and help him learn and understand life. W says she told him weeks ago that "sometimes adults have misunderstandings."

[Mach1]

So what are your "do's" and "dont's" ??

You know the basics of what you want...

You know that your job isn't to facilitate their relationship, your job is to not damage it....right ?

Yea, I think I saw you type that...

So how do YOU want to handle it ??

What would you want if you were in his position ???

I think that you know him the best....

Start with your do's and dont's , and see what you come up with here...

He is watching , and he isn't a little kid anymore, although he IS a little kid still....

Find that balance before it finds you....

KWIM ??

Start with the list though....

It will help...