Look what the cat dragged in! (TL) - Act 2

[tigerlily78]

He thinks its above and beyond that he is committed to paying the mortgage and utilities and groceries even if at some point he decides not to live here. And yes, to a point that is generous, much more generous than the law would mandate in our crummy southern state.

The way he is handling that commitment is not generous. :P

[tigerlily78]

And by "not live here" I mean, "moves his stuff all out and decides his new life is absolutely elsewhere". In his mind he still "lives" here even though he doesn't sleep here. It is confounding.

[tigerlily78]

Also, thank you Heather for your definition of "As if" I think I understand it a lot better now. I can see now how the way you manifest it might change depending on individual circumstance.

That was very helpful.

Therapy Monday. Maybe my counselor can help me draft something for addressing the financials. I know I DESERVE a better arrangement, that a different arrangement arguably should be even easier on him than the current deal... "less responsibility" etc. I anticipate difficulties in getting him to understand that such an arrangement is actually to his benefit, because right now his primary motivation seems to be control, not making things easier on himself or me or son.

[job]

tigerlily,
Please get some legal advice as to what you are entitled to.

About the lock...don't do anything until you've spoke to a lawyer. In some areas, clients are advised not to change the locks until all of the personal possessions are removed from the home, in others, a separation agreement needs to be in place, etc. I would hate to see you change the locks and then find out that you shouldn't have done it at this time.

Also, changing the locks may create more anger and tension in your home at this point. Especially if you are living as roommates.

Go on line and check out what the laws are in your area concerning a situation such as yours. At least it would give you a "leg up" on what you are entitled to.

[willbwell]

I agree with job on the lock...

I keep a running list of my expenditures-food, gas, bills, prescribs,clothing, shoes, school supplies.....
I so feared looking at all of this in the beginning.

H has one idea of what monthly expenses are! The figure I came up with is much different. My state too is ridiculous in interpretation for amount in child support!
his expenses only cover himself, while mine are for the house and 2 of our 3 kids.

Please don't forget, health insurance, house insurance and taxes.
H is waiting for me to get a job so he won't have to be responcible...All the years I did for him... doesn't matter.
basically, my h thinks by giving me the house, that should cover his end.
sorry, but we can't eat the house.
this is my children's home. maybe later down the road, I will sell or be forced to sell

[tigerlily78]

I don't really care that much about the lock, I just found it an interesting development. Like all those emotional walls he built for years should now be a physical door with a lock to "keep me out."

I think I can see at the moment that he is wanting to make another incremental transition towards OW, probably because she gave him a key to her place and life is still so fun... maybe thats just what he felt like the past 4 days or so since her birthday, I am sure it was "magical" and all that. More fun than being here the other day and admitting that no one seems as happy in this situation as he thought they would be. (hmmph)

I am trying hard to psyche myself up with the homecourt advantage speech. We have 16 years together, a son, a nice home we share, I am actually a really good catch. I can be patient and accept that things will probably seem to get "worse" in the OW department before they get better... he has to walk that journey in order to learn some things. I won't like it, but I will accept it. I will deal with it.

Ultimately I have to trust the process. He has to be free to make this decision and live it out. I am not going to let these increments make me lose my cool anymore (I REALLY mean it this time, honest to God. I will wear duct tape if I have to). I still have son, I still have the house, I will be okay while he does this. And with hard work, luck and perseverance we might even be better off *together* in the future if we can both make it through this. Holding on to that hope, looking ahead, working it day by day.

Tomorrow hoping I can get to the library. Therapy. Boy Scouts. Busy day.

[tigerlily78]

Today H, son and I went to a movie together. Son acted a little strangely when we first sat down in the theater. Put his hood up, leaned his head down on his arms on the seat in front of him. He sat like this through all the previews. I almost thought he was crying or fighting tears. Asked him what was wrong, if he was okay. I got the "I'm just tired" response. We got the the movie at 10:40am, pretty early in the day to be tired. I'm a little worried he might be depressed, he has had some depressive states before in the past.

Movie was good, I think we all enjoyed it. Son and I read the books, H hasn't so the ending seemed very abrupt to him. I explained that in the book I think there was a little more bleed over into the next situation.

We had a nice lunch together, very much like old times. H did at one point ask son what was wrong with him in the movie theater. Son says, "everyone was asking me if I was okay and it was annoying." Son didn't seem to understand that no one asked him what was wrong until AFTER he had his head down in the theater for several minutes. Boys/Men ... why does talking about what's bugging you have to be so darn hard?!

H and I did grocery shopping together this afternoon. I mentioned that spending the afternoon with him had really improved my attitude, and that I was even feeling a little frisky for some reason. He laughed it off and said just hearing me say that made him "uncomfortable in my pants." H ended up picking out wine and champagne at the grocery (totally for his own benefit, it was not for "romance").

He poured us both some bubbly while I was finishing putting the groceries away. I thanked him for pouring and told him he made a good pick, that I liked the flavor of this one a lot.

When he left this evening I got a hug, I am sure I initiated it with a gesture, but he doesn't refuse. It was a long enough hug, son came into the kitchen and joined in.

When H was getting ready to leave I saw he had a book with him. I asked, "Ahh, so you are going to read that one?" He asked why, had I read it. I had. He asked for my impressions. I told him from what I remembered it was okay, but I thought the ending was weak. It's not the sort of Sci-fi I really like. I mentioned another book upstairs in a stack that I thought was much better (and had recommended a few weeks ago when he was looking for something to read), but that it was up to him to decide what he was in the mood for. The sci-fi book or the other book, which is more like a medieval/fantasy fiction. He went back upstairs for a few minutes and in the end came down with the book I recommended. I dunno... maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I just felt it was worthwhile to let him know I noticed he was reading something and I was interested.

[tigerlily78]

Our oldest cat, the one most attached to H has been pooping on and off in the living room for about a week and a half, maybe 2 weeks. (So not fun) Usually I have been up in the morning to take care of it before he comes home in the mornings. Today I slept in, and H came home and picked it up. In the past he probably would have come upstairs, woke me up and told me "there is a cat poop on the floor" ... that he took the initiative to pick it up this morning is almost better than getting flowers in my book. He didn't do all the thorough cleaning, just picked up the turds and put papertowels over the spot, but HEY that is still an improvement over the old habit. It also gave me the chance to mention that this issue with the cat has been happening. Before he was in the dark about it.

[CallaghanClown]

There is some movement in his actions. Don't scare him back in. Stay strong calm and in control. Let him be nicer to you......it may bring him closer and closer day by day.

But have no expectations.

[tigerlily78]

Thanks CC. I am really trying to hold on to this positive mindspace. We had a nice morning today. I think the movement is still very back and forth day to day, and I guess that is to be expected.

Going to meditate, looking forward to therapy.