Love is a Choice

[AJM]

Conversations with your boys. Nothing compares. For either of you. One of the greatest gifts I was given by my ex was her leaving. Not because I didn't miss her or didn't love her. But because she could not stay out of the relationship I had with my kids. Sadly, I learned much of my reactions to what she was doing during IC. I'm not proud of my reactions or how it affected the kids. I tried for a very long time to "see" why the dynamic was how it was, but for some reason I had blinders on that kept me from seeing the fourth player's role. Not blaming her - my reactions are my own responsibility. But I am truly grateful for being able to see it now. To see that part of the dynamic that was difficult for me to understand and was what I needed to be the father I truly was and want to be. Nothing horrible mind you, but it wasn't "right" for me nor my kids until that revelation. Blessings come in many forms. Sons need their parents. No question. But at times during their growth, they sometimes need one more than the other. Sons tend to need their dads more as teens and early adults than they did when they were younger. They need more dad guidance than mothering at that time in many cases. You're lucky to have that time and you seem to be using it wisely. You won't regret it

It's my Mom, what the heck do I say?

I realize it's not how you were raised, but it doesn't seem to be working for you to have this unresolved. The obvious choice is to bring it up. The obvious choice is to be you and take what comes. I think you'll be surprised at what comes of that as the walls come down. Just because the child has to be the one to bring it down, doesn't mean it doesn't need to happen nor that it isn't needed by both. Something to contemplate.

Unresolved with my dad because he died in 2007 and basically made the decision to not fight his cancer. One round of chemo had little effect and he refused any more treatment. I wasn't a very good son during all that and have not forgiven myself.

Mother was always in control and handled everything in the house. Dad was quiet and very much codependent. He loved me very much, always helped with sports teams, though he knew very little. When mom left, I felt abandoned by him. I still have a hard time seeing pictures of me and Daddy together when I was little. That loving, caring man died when Mom left.

I love my mother. She comes to as many of my kids games, plays, functions as she can. At some point, this wall between us must come down. Our family just didn't share emotions.

I can relate. I felt abandoned by my father when my mom "left" as well. I never doubted he loved me, but he was "gone" from my life when I needed him. He's human.

I didn't come from a divorced family, but I've heard of the anger. I've seen it in other families. I've seen it last a lifetime or two. I cannot imagine wanting to live like that.

For you, this is a time to learn and try new things. Perhaps wall demolition is something to try?

As for your dad. Did he turn his back on you? Was there anger toward you? Or was it something different?

Can you better relate now how he may have been thrown for a loop and was unable to be the dad you thought he should? You now know how it must have felt. Add to that the generational impact and feeling like he lived a lie for all those years and it was likely overwhelming to the point of barely being able to function and figuring life was over for him and others were better off without him (depression).

Are you ready yet to forgive him for his reactions to the situation? For being human.

My grandmother almost left my grandfather when my mom was a teen. She was off her rocker with guilt, anger, and other emotions. Back then, when people did crazy things (she did)they put you in a crazy bin. She was there a week and tells how the doc would come in each day and talk to her. Each day she relayed how angry at my grandfather and mom she was. On the seventh day she realized she was angry at herself and went home.

My great uncle left his wife when they were young. He said she as crazy. He was cheating on her, so I suspect she had a right to be angry at him. But his boys never forgave him. They were bitter up to the end. At least for one - he died last year and when I spoke to him I could still hear the anger toward his father.

Anger is a tough thing to carry with you. And it does you no good long term.

For what it's worth, I see some things you will need to work on for you. At least, I'd want to if I were you. Heck, I've been you and didn't know I needed to until all h*ll broke loose with my ex. and I. As the realization grew however, I knew I needed to. Don't get me wrong - it doesn't excuse my ex for what she did. Not in the least. She didn't do it because of me - she made her own choices. But I see this opportunity and I have and am taking it. I'm glad for it. I thank God each night for the opportunity. Each time my ex tries to pick a fight or accuses me of something, I thank God for this opportunity. I am incredibly grateful and believe me, that's a long way from where I was. It's been worth every minute for me. My son has benefited greatly as well.

I'm just one opinion. But these are some things to think about.
Peace,
AJ