Trying hard. I know what it did to me as a 21 year old. My mother gave up on the R and I know my dad did nothing but beg and plead. Thing that scares me is that W is a stubborn woman and when she sets her mind to something, it's done.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Thing that scares me is that W is a stubborn woman and when she sets her mind to something, it's done.
I don't think you can say that with accuracy any longer. She committed to be married at one point, right?
In fairness, I doubt she saw this coming. I doubt you did either.
Many of us have heard the ILYBNILWY or "I never loved you" speeches at one time or another. We've heard all kinds of abuse, anger, and often felt like we were paying for somebody else's sins.
But like T said, there were things about ourselves we didn't like. Things we were doing, perhaps because they were "familiar" to us in our past. It's how family dynamics work. It's why we hear of curses to the fourth generation, right? We as humans take time to improve what we went through. To not make the mistakes our forefathers made and yet keep the good things. We sometimes fall asleep when it comes to the good/bad or really just don't have enough information about which is which.
And then there's our own processing of events from years past.
One thing I don't think I've heard you talk much about, and I'm curious at this point - what happened between you and your father? What kind of father was he to you? Did he love you? Did he love you the way you wanted to be loved or did he have a different approach?
I know I have picked up some of the things my father did. My mother died when I was a teen, and dad went off the deep end for a long time. He was not "well" spiritually and mentally for a very long time. Very. In some ways, I was on my own since I was 14. My mother was a strong woman and left me with some examples and beliefs that still stick with me. So did my father, although I didn't see those things until much later. When I started looking at my own garden, I found some "weeds" that needed to be removed. One of those was around my mother's early death and how that made me feel. How I processed it, or didn't finish processing it as the case may be. One of the many blessings I received during my ex's departure and with her assaults, is that my father and I are much closer than we have ever been. He's always loved me - I knew that. But it's been good for both of us to go through this. He's told me more about his feelings and his life since my ex started this than he ever did prior. It has helped to break down some walls. Same with my grandmother and my sister. I can't tell you it didn't come with tears, pain, and eventually joy - it has.
Can you talk about your relationship with your parents? What's it like with your mom now?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I have craned my neck peeking inside the JF locker room and I almost stumbled backwards from the stench of jockstraps, manly body odor, sweat, and overload of testosterone-induced crotch grabbing rituals.
The way I see things around these parts, I figga that the "Elders" have taken a shine to JF and all's well here!
JF is just fine and dandy with the likes of Mach, T, FY, Eric, and AJ sweating it out in the sauna room doling out some ethereal wisdom with white towels draped over their "junk".
posted by JF – “Then S12 got the third degree for not talking to her.”
And what did you do while she was giving him the third degree? Just wondering….did you try and fix it?
Quote:
posted by TSquared “JF, in my sitch, the crazier she got, the more the boys moved towards me, the rock. W being uber-Mom for so long, didn't take kindly to this change.”
OMG – I almost forgot how similar so many of these sitchs are. My XW did the same thing. In the end, the kids will really figure it out and as long as you remained focused on YOU and NOT on her or on trying to FIX the R between her and they, you will be fine.
Quote:
posted by JF …. “Biggest thing I'm having to do now is handle preteen emotions from S12. I have reminded him on several occasions lately to not talk back to mother and respect her.”
Buddy…welcome to the world of raising a teenager. Chit ain’t easy man. Best advice I can give you. Focus on you. Stay true to YOU. Enforce boundaries. In all cases, ask yourself….”what is best for them” (not YOU, not W, nope – for them).
JF – you remind me of me when I first came here…the best advice I can give you is to keep looking at YOUR weeds and YOUR weeds only. It is very tough, especially when you are faced with having the deal with W while living in the home. Once you really begin to dig though, if done HONESTLY, you may find that ya have quite a few weeds to pull out.
The more you look in the mirror at YOURSELF, the less you will see what she is doing. I spent a very long time, long time, running from myself. Try not to make that mistake. The other habit I found myself falling into was trying to FIX everything, trying to shield the kids from this, trying to control the whole sitch. Ya can’t. You may think you can and chit may spend a ton of energy trying to control it all. In the end, what will happen will happen. As I look back now, I can see how easy it was for me to try and control it all. Why? It enable me to focus on what I was comfortable with – CONTROL – and NOT FOCUS on the work that was needed. How could I spend time working on me if I was busy trying to fix everything else. My point, is that this time, is best served really becoming the man you want to be. Who is that man JF, who is man when the going gets tough, when no one is around, who is the man that you (not me, not Mach, not YOUR W, not your friends, not your family – F*ck not even your kids) want to be. What the values that are important to you? Do you need to change friends, do you want to be so true to yourself that you never spend time lying to yourself? What kind of dad do you want to be, who is JF away from his kids, who is JF away from his W?
JF – digging inside yourself takes time, it is not a quick process, it is something that is fluid that evolves over time. If you think about it…the mlcer is in some ways doing the same thing. Changing – evolving. It really is part of life. So please man, learn to completely ignore her, and spend all of your energy on YOU and the kids. The urge will come to do something for her to “see it”, for you to “show her”. In the beginning of my journey, I did a lot of things – some direct – some not so direct, some…quite honestly a little manipulative – I did thing hoping, praying, that she would see the change. Her is the problem with that…the change was for HER – NOT me. Make changes for YOU man and with NO expectation that anyone, except yourself will see or appreciate the changes. If you do it for you…it is a win win. If you do it for her or for the kids, or because that what you think someone else or society expects….well then you are not be true to JF.
Be true to YOU…
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I have craned my neck peeking inside the JF locker room and I almost stumbled backwards from the stench of jockstraps, manly body odor, sweat, and overload of testosterone-induced crotch grabbing rituals.
The way I see things around these parts, I figga that the "Elders" have taken a shine to JF and all's well here!
JF is just fine and dandy with the likes of Mach, T, FY, Eric, and AJ sweating it out in the sauna room doling out some ethereal wisdom with white towels draped over their "junk".
Very funny Wonka. THE BOYS have certainly taken me under their wings and are doing a fine job of guiding me through this. I will say that the ladies have been super helpful along the way. Shout out to UR, Pudmuddle, RosaLinda, Tigerlilly and others for their insight and letting me share in their lives.
BTW. I'm a bit of an exhibitionist, so no white towel would be necessary for me.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
AJ-relationship with parents was fine. Mom and Dad were totally dedicated to me. Only child. Very little emotion ever shown in our house. Don't remember them ever hugging or kissing. No ILY or anything like that. I must have been one of the few things they had in common. When I left for colleg, things went south for them. Dropped the bomb the Mom was moving out on my 21st birthday. I have never forgiven them for that. It's my biggest weed. Mom moved right into another R and another M. Dad couldn't really function. He was devastated. I was mad at both of them. Dad and I never talked. I've never asked Mom about it. Mom makes me the center of attention in any conversation. When someone is talking about anything, she makes it a story about me. It makes me hella uncomfortable. W has even complained about how much she hates it. It's my Mom, what the heck do I say?
Unresolved with my dad because he died in 2007 and basically made the decision to not fight his cancer. One round of chemo had little effect and he refused any more treatment. I wasn't a very good son during all that and have not forgiven myself.
Mother was always in control and handled everything in the house. Dad was quiet and very much codependent. He loved me very much, always helped with sports teams, though he knew very little. When mom left, I felt abandoned by him. I still have a hard time seeing pictures of me and Daddy together when I was little. That loving, caring man died when Mom left.
I love my mother. She comes to as many of my kids games, plays, functions as she can. At some point, this wall between us must come down. Our family just didn't share emotions.
Enough for now.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
I did not try to fix anything while W was dealing with S12. I do not intervene. I let whatever happens happen. I try to remind him at all times he should respect her, me, and anyone older than him in a position of authority. He and I have had some real good talks about the unique problems of a middle school boy. I think he understands that I'm the only one in the house that has been through what he's currently going through. That's part of W's problem too I'm guessing. He is no longer her baby and he now looks to me more and more for guidance. I am more than happy to listen and provide words of encouragement. We had that great talk about sticking out tough times yesterday. I also shared a story from my middle school experience and he looked at e with wide eyes and a grin. I guess he thinks I was perfect. Far from it.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
