My W now longer uses my name or even nickname, with just short phrases on the (small) present tags, and skipping over saying it during the singing of Happy Birthday. She also doesn't look at me much. Is this shame on her part?
If you are asking if she feels shame and that's why she refuses to acknowledge your name or look at you, then NO, it's not shame. I believe you have asked that question in the past. The word here is not shame. It is disdain.
I would have said " contempt" but disdain works, and it's definitely NOT shame. Your w is not, in her mind, married to you and has not been married to you for years. She has nothing to feel shame about except the few times her cruel rude behavior gets too overt and you call her on it...and it's rare that you call her on it. IN fact you see that your own d is emulating that behavior and it won't get better by itself "in time"...
it's NOT something that is going to get better or improve by you looking the other way.
What concerns me is that you have a pattern of doing that, e.g., looking the other way when your w is overtly rude to you and you don't want to face it OR seeing "warm rapprochment & possible reconciliation" when all that has happened is basic courtesy, or the absence of a negative behavior from her... you start wondering what new gesture on your end might produce...what?
Luke, hasn't this been going on for the past decade? You get mistreated and wonder if it's something else. Instead of bad behavior on her end, you question if she feels shame, which credits her beyond belief to me. It's almost as if you want to see hope where all I see is contempt or disdain.
You came here 9 or 10 years ago after your w had taken over the master bedroom and refused to sleep with you. She gave you NO explanation You asked none of her...in all those years...
Luke, it seems clear to me that the whole "don't rock the boat" approach has not worked.
My guess is she is baffled that you don't understand that to her, the marriage is over. To her, you have known this for a decade and she sometimes has to treat you terribly to get thru to you, or at least that is how it reads to me at times.
Of all the problems in this scenario, my biggest beef with all this is how badly she treats you in front of your children and how you don't really do anything about it. You seem so concerned about conflict that you allow abuse to happen and I don't believe conflict is the enemy. NEVER resolving conflict is the problem.
Bad behavior being allowed and then repeating, is a lot worse than resolving a conflict. IN fact, marriages cannot and should not be judged by how much conflict they have; some marriages are challenged more.
but how you resolve the conflict THAT is the bellwether for how you're doing as a couple/person.
If you are so conflict avoidant that you'd choose abusive crappy behavior over a moment of awkwardness as you openly note her behavior and inform her that it "has to stop"....then your fear of conflict is just too high.
If anyone refused to use my name, I'd not answer until I was involved in a conversation or event. IOW, I'd insist that my name be used...
Otherwise she is just being rude to you. But Luke, Answering or acting as if someone has treated you well, when they have not, gives them a whole lot of power.
Why not simply tell her she has to address you if she expects a response? I might even joke that she "must have forgotten" your name or that she's getting too old to remember, or offer her 3 names of her choosing among the following options: your actual name, a better name you always wanted, or "Master"....
What on earth do you have to lose? A part of you gets this, I know. That gives me so much hope.
But WHEN it comes to your w, you seem to think that what exists now is better than nothing.
I submit it's NOT better than nothing. But even if it were, your w is leaving and since that time is coming, perhaps that ought to motivate you to start preparing yourself. How are you going to lead the life you want and deserve, when your w is out of the house?
How will you improve your r with your d? (You rarely see her as it is. I bet once you have visitation you might see her more often and not with someone like your w, mistreating you in your d's presence).
Can you buy your w out of the house? Are you interested in that?
Luke, spend a few minutes on this, please.
Tell me what your ideal life in five years would be like, with you happy, but without your w?
What does that look like?
You need to envision it in DETAIL before you can make it a reality.
Am I telling you to give up? No. I simply believe your course of action of GAL with the expectation that your w will NOT be part of it, is smart in two ways.
It means you'll be ready that much faster, for happiness, if she does as she says she will, and leaves.
AND on the off chance that she might be open to reconciling,- it would only be if she came to believe that marriage to you would be better/different than before...
That can ONLY come from you changing how you behave around her.
Sandi and I (Adinva, and others) are long time married women and we all seem to be seeing this the same way.
You're badly treated and you somehow don't see it, and or, you let it happen.
Why? You KNOW you deserve better...so, what will it take for you to see this?
And if you have seen it, that you deserve better and more, then what?
Can you do what that takes? It's major conflict resolution.
Or do you want to stay in the boat and not rock it, while your w says it's sinking?
Down deep you know you can survive and thrive on your own. Start acting like you believe it. Let your d see that. Let your son see it and let them both see you enjoying your life regardless of how your w behaves.
WHen shes cold or nasty to you, it's HEALTHY and self respecting to call her on it. Then go have fun.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
