ONE DOWN ONE TO GO

[Ambivalent]

Will B,

Thanks for sb. As a stay at home mom, I could have many different resumes. You'll figure it out. I gardened,( landscape architect, dried floral arranger, home canning, I sold all my work! )chauffeured, home-schooled ( yes I was an administrator, curriculum advisor, and teacher! ) I volunteered , was a rescue and foster mom of terriers. Interior decorator of the primitive and high country style. I was/am a textile artist ( award winning! ) Sheep and Wool Fest several years in a row. yadda yadda yadda. Furniture refinisher, chef, and baker...you get the idea! Just tailor your gifts and experiences to the job the resume is intended.

Busting, thanks for the pump. You are a year ahead of me, how are you holding up?

Job, the dancing is good for me, at times I feel lonely but found myself smiling a lot at those dancing. The men that go to these are either way too young ( daughter's ages ) or they are 15-20 my senior. I'm feeling stuck. The older gents are sweet and appreciate my vitality and youth, the younger ones are adorable and know I'm safe...NOT a cougar .

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My cycling is faster, I've gone from sad /crying to understanding to anger...one of my new passwords is Fu-k H's name8... VERY easy to remember.

I hate when I cannot control my thoughts, and I also don't like that my favorite holiday is not something I am feeling.

The mess is self inflicted. Cleaning and I tried on a ton of clothes, so I have laundry, floors, dusting. it's gross.

I really want to FEEL motivated...just feeling the depression again. I'm not cut out for this. I'm weak, and a decision maker. I hate feeling stuck, and I hate feeling like the little woman waiting for her h to come home. I'm irritated and restless. I was never the kind of girl who'd have to have a guy in her life, but after 33 years, I am feeling SO used up.

I want to get out of town, not answer a phone, be completely unavailable AND be happy. I'm happy I'm alive after the wreck, but that is starting to fade.
I want to be touched, held, appreciated and respected. I don't need those things I want those things.

I go back and forth from feeling such a powerful hate to contempt to pity and revulsion. I see him very clearly, and see what I put up with for so long. How it caused me to detach when we were together.

I really thought no one could ever hurt me again. That I had not let him all the way in, so if this ever happened I wouldn't feel this pain.

You see, when my dad did what he did ( cheated on my mom ) I lost all trust in men. I've always had in the back of my mind that men do this, they cheat, they lie, and they leave. I remember walking down the isle, sobbing. I was terrified to get married.

Everyone thought I was emotional about loving my h. and marrying. I wasn't I was terrified that I'd be devastated like my mom.

Then my father would say such things as " Find a husband for your mother " or " She should get married so I don't have to pay alimony." It was horribly insensitive and narcissistic. It also showed me how someone may think of me someday.

My parent's divorce was traumatizing, and now I'm feeling it again.

We were a dysfunctional family before it was fun. I flinched until the age of 30, for being back handed so often. I wasn't allowed to debate or have my anger or tears accepted. I was not loved unconditionally.

I felt alone because I was not like my siblings and I was nothing like my parents. My home was not a place where I could act out, it was VERY stressful. I had a lot of fear and rejection.

My H. and I both stuffed a lot inside rather than discuss. We rarely fought, if we did it would get heated. He can be very patient but then he can also be a bully. I can be patient and also get angry. I chose to fight fair, in the now. He would keep tally or punish.

What a f'ing mess.

What is so weird? There is something in me that says it really isn't over. Like we both know it, but that he has to get this out of his system.

It's almost like we're both trying to teach each other. He, what he wants in a partner, me patience and someone available.

He has needs and so do I. He knows he is going through changes, he spoke about it in the beginning. He was concerned I wouldn't like who he will become. That " ...after all that we go through, I'll hate him..."
It was almost as if he was saying I have to sow some wild oats.

I remember as I approached my 40th birthday , that I was feeling really good. Not at all like I was old. I got a recumbent and was looking good.

Then wham! Our world fell apart. He was downsized, we had to sell the house of 15 years, my oldest needed SERIOUS help...

He sought comfort with a prostitute, I forgave him, but never forgot. I stood by him never brought her up. I stayed with him when he wanted to be an entrepreneur. I wanted him to give it a shot so that he would never resent me. If he had to try, then he should try.

He chose to go back to corporate. I am disappointed in his choice to leave and not stay and fight. I am angry that I did, and fought for the future. I kept hearing a voice inside that said ...when the kids are older we will renew and refresh.

I hate seeing what I see. That ..."for worse.." there is no commitment, and "...for better..." was not worth fighting the challenges and returning. I don't like seeing that when he can't cope he runs ,metaphorically AND actually. I dislike seeing his weakness while loving him in spite of it, yet I'm not worthy of the same from him.

YES I KNOW he's in MLC, but I have these feelings! It is not okay to revert to a child, or to desert your wife. It is not okay to think about "our" relationship and make a decision unilaterally.
It is not okay to lie so often to someone, to accept their trust and then abuse it. Whether it be a lie of omission, to save face, to protect someone's feelings, or to make yourself look acceptable socially. It isn't okay to share with your friends what one should be sharing with their partner.


We are human and such is the human condition. We are a complicated bundle of pride, ego, empathy, pain, need, desire, self preservation, love, hate and everything in between. We come with baggage and we deliver baggage.

Done