It's Not Over 'Till It's Over

[Fight4MyWife]

I'm really fighting the urge to ask my wife is she is ready to talk about anything yet. Since she left she has not discussed her feelings, thoughts or anything with me at all.

I also really have the urge to ask her if she wants to do something with my me and our son sometime. I am very envious of others who are separated but still do things together for the sake of the kids. I think my son would really like it if we all did something together.

[Mimi00]

Continue to stay away from talk about her feelings bringing old memories/hurts up....instead keep making new feelings through your current positive interactions...she will talk about her feelings when she is ready.

What will you be doing with you S that you want to ask her to join you?
I say if you have something already planned (that you'll do with S with or without her) I don't think it would be horrible to tell her that she's welcome to come along (no expectations on your part)....but if you have nothing planned and you just want to ask her IF she wants to do something, I'd say don't do it...

[Fight4MyWife]

I am really struggling to cope with this.

I am picking my son up in a couple of hours & having him overnight and tomorrow. Usually I really look forward to it, but today I feel like I just can't cope.

When I pick him up & see my wife I feel like I am just going to breakdown in front of her. This is all too hard.

[melissag]

F4, I am not familiar with your whole sitch - just read the most recent posts on your thread. But I've read enough to agree with Mimi - do NOT bring up R talk with your W!!!

I find it extremely easy not to bring up R talk with my H. Because, last I knew, he doesn't want to be my H anymore. So most likely, if I am to push him for answers, that is what I am going to hear. And I really don't want to hear that.

You need to give your W her space without pushing her or pressuring her. Did you read DR? Do you understand how pressuring your W is the exact wrong thing to do? As is breaking down in front of her. Trust me, if your W wants to reconcile, she will let you know. You are looking for excuses to bring up R talk, but I promise you, none of those excuses are going to take away the damage you may do if you bring it up before she is ready.

I think we have all watched too many movies and listened to too many sad songs. They glamorize breakups and sadness and looking out the window at the pouring rain while crying, or sliding down the door and slumping on the floor in pain while the other person slides down the other side of the door. Forget all that. Don't be a victim! You are hurting yourself, your son, and your chances at R if you let yourself take on the role of the victim.

I KNOW it is hard. This is unbelievably hard! We have all been there. But you need to pick yourself up, find something to be grateful for, gather up all your strength, and have a great time with your S. He deserves that and so do you. If you are not in a good state of mind, just make the interaction with your W short and sweet. You can fake happy for 5 minutes while you pick up your son. If you need to, say that you have to be somewhere, gotta go! Byeeee! Smile. You can break down in the car if you want. Do NOT break down in front of your W. It will only take you back to square one.

Come on, you can do it!!

[melissag]

Oh. One other thing. You are having good interactions with your W because you are not pressuring her. That is a sign that you should continue NOT pressuring her - not an invitation for you to bring up R talk.

Have you heard the analogy of feeding a squirrel? If the squirrel is showing signs of trusting you, don't scare it away!!

[dingo]

Here's the other thing that I had to learn the hard way. No matter what answer she gives you about the state of your relationship, it will do you absolutely no good.

If she says she wants to reconcile but then doesn't talk to you over the next few days or continues to be aloof and distant, you will feel compelled to ask her again. It's a vicious vicious cycle that I rode for a long time.

If she tells you its over, will you believe her and acrept that it's over or will you continue to have hope and work?

When you ask, you're going to get the answer that's in her head at that moment. That answer is likely going to change multiple times a day as her moods and emotions change.

Pity does not equal respect and you don't want her to be with you out of pity. Do not break down in front of her.

[FlyOnTheWall]

If your ready to here its "OVER, im done!!!" then by all means ask, its that simple right now. You need to learn some patience, this is all going to play out one way or the other, do you really want to push it?

Time is your friend right now, use it wisely, be constructive with that time, cause right now you can be making those changes, becoming a little mysterious, and she needs to see those efforts over a LONG period of time if she's going to want to come back.

Why would she want to come back to the same old person she left in the first place? Guilt?? I don't think so. She's dealing with guilt now, and she still isn't back is she??? Your actually making it easier for her to walk away by not putting in the work.

Be the person only a fool would leave, im sure you've read that here before. Also attractive, the best darn dad you can be.

Not so attractive: crying, pleading, always wanting to talk, no mystery, emotional meatbag, depressed, sad, mopey.

Say you decided to date someone, would you find it attractive if that woman was always sad and mopey, and always talking about her ex? Don't let you wife see that side of you, can you be that way when your alone, sure. Just not in front of her. FAKE IT till you make it.

You are parents of a young child, there in NO GOING DARK for you.
Its about going dim, you will always have to have contact about some things.

Some things you can do for yourself, that are also attractive. Go take a cooking class, maybe a dance class. Something you would have NEVER done before, change life up a bit. Is there a local community college? Look up some classes? great place to better yourself, meet new people while doing study time. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE and let life take you in a new direction. Those are things that make you mysterious, fun, growing, bettering yourself. Don't let life just pass you by right now.

You can do this, I know you can. Do you have a family Dr. maybe even check into getting on some anti-depressants for a little while??

[Fight4MyWife]

Thanks melissag, dingo & FlyOnTheWall for taking the time to comment.

When I say talk I don't necessarily mean about reconciliation specifically, but anything that would shed light on her perspective. She has said nothing at all since BD and at one point said "she doesn't think she has to justify her reasons" but I am not really sure what her reasons are or anything. I have done a lot of guessing what the reasons are but I have had no information from her whatsoever.

Don't get me wrong I have been putting in the work, I have just been backsliding this past week, mainly I think because she is being much nicer to me. Even then I have still kept it up in front of her, it's only on here that I am showing my vulnerable side.

I really don't want to take anti-depressants.

[dingo]

I know it's hard man. I struggle with it all the time and it's much easier to give advice than to follow it yourself but I still say do not ask anything.

You are looking for something to make you feel better but even if you get it, it won't be enough for you. When she has something to tell you, she will. Until then keep it positive and pressure free and do not let her see that she affects your emotions.

[melissag]

Good, keep coming here to vent, that's what we are here for! Just don't do it in front of your W.

Hmm. Does R talk mean reconciliation talk? I always thought it meant relationship talk. So when I say no R talk I mean no talk about how she feels about you, what your relationship is, your future together, her intentions, etc. She will bring it up if she wants to talk about it.