Hello Everyone, I have had the most difficult year. My H and I have been together for 28 years and married for 24. H had an EA in 2003. We didn't seek any C at that time. I have had trust issues since then. At the beginning of this year, I felt my husband pulling away. I went into I need to catch him mode, as I was sure he was cheating on me. Anytime I read the signs to look for, H matched the list, he matches many things in the MLC area too. Well after several bad fights things continued to spiral out of control, H was very mean and fights got bad, never had happened before. H insists no A, and no concrete proof. H moved out 7/25/13, and was living in camper, H moved home 9/21/13, we live in the northern US, camper got cold. H continues to tell me he is not sure he wants to live another 30 years married to me and not being able to live with my distrust. H feels that he can not be his outgoing flirtious self being M to me. Since I get so jealous.
I have read several books and I understand my role in our problems. I am trying to change!! We had a good marriage! We did everything together and everyone thought we had a good R until this year. After H moved home we sleep in same bed but H has a wall around him and doesn't want to get hurt again. I have lost a couple pounds, feel great about myself, and I want to have a our relationship back. I find myself with no patience, and feeling rejected sexually and emotionally by spouse daily. We are very polite and getting along fairly well, when at home, as roommates. We lead a active social life and when we go out things go BAD!! So attempting to not go out together very much, which hurts since we did everything together.
H found out he has cancer 1 week after moving home, which has complicated the R. He caught the cancer early and its stage 0, and will complete radiation next week and hopefully will be feeling better by Christmas. The outcome is as good as one can hope for in regards to his cancer!!
I have tried to concentrate on me, but I work fulltime and go to school online taking 2 -3 classes per semester. Both Sons left home this year, another hard one. I know I need to concentrate on me and give him space and let him miss me. At this time H is keeping mental ledger of every offense I have made in the past 20+ years. The list is long, most things I don't remember!!! I have many personality flaws and H blames many things on me, which is hard on my poor self esteem. In the past year, being very scared, hurt and an emotional wreck. I have made many bad choices in public around others and have not kept things private. H has not shared any details with anyone. H no longer trusts me because I shared too much with others. When I have a problem I like to talk to others about it, ALOT! Two weeks ago, I made him a promise to not talk to anyone about us, trying to change:)
There is still talk of D. I want the R back, NOW!!! I need patience and my feeling get hurt so easily. I think if he let his wall down and forgave me and himself, we could get back to a great R. We have seen a MC a few times, whatever she suggested he didn't want anything to do with it. I continue to see my counselor. I have read 3 of DB books, I fall apart when I read of people waiting months and years for their spouse to want to be in the M again. I do not want to go that long without any affection, I am starved for affection.
