And I just keep going...

[25yearsmlc]

I don't have a lot to add to what others have said, except three things.

1) while you say you are not truly DBing when you resist being friends w/your ex h while there is an OW...

I see that two totally different ways.

On one hand, I say "wow, KG, no way. Since You cannot control who he sees, AND since he DID file for D, to him at least it's not as if he's "cheating" on you (these days most people believe him) and you are not under the same roof and finally,

why would you want to worsen things between you two, which only serves his need for OW more"....??


OTOH,

IF your bottom line was that it just feels too much like cake eating to you, and right or wrong, that's YOUR boundary...and you're certain, then all I can say
"okay"...so be it.

If it's really true that you simiply cannot muster whatever it takes to keep things improving between you two, b/c of OW, then that's the risk you know you are taking and that's it.

I think you know what you need to do to protect yourself.
So do it. If it works, who are we to say otherwise? None of us are perfect DBers. I can't even read my old posts without getting mad at myself for prolonging the "WHY???" and the "HOW COULD HE?" endless questioning which kept me stuck for far too long...

The other comment I wanted to address was about your MIL having OW over to her house. I know you felt betrayed. But think about what HER choices were....

KG, I am one of 9 children and there have been several times I and my siblings (and parents) have had to meet the new OP in our sibling's lives.

NOT ONCE has it been "easy" or enjoyable for us to meet OPs.


We usually wince, take a breath and make the best of it. We also often pity the new OP b/c we know THEY know we're not "in favor" of them. Which stinks for them...

For instance, My oldest brother left a WONDERFUL woman who felt like a sister to me. She's "W1" of my brother. He left her in '98 and their divorce was finalized a few years later. I urged her to seek her own counsel (my brother said HE could do THEIR divorce and he was insulted by my advice to her to get her own L. That hurt MY brother's feelings! (Talk about cray cray crazy)...

Well my x sil and I are still in touch and probably spend more time together than my b brother and I do. We vacation together. I very much like her new h (11 years now).


W1 (my former sil) is now remarried and has a h who better understands her and loves her better than my brother ever could have.

Knowing that she is genuinely happier, helps me.

But don't ever assume that because we "tolerate" meeting OPs, that we like them, let alone prefer them!

We do our best to accept what our siblings do, and in my family, we do speak our minds at some point. And we did. We ALL told my brother he was making a "huge mistake" and he would "never do as well" with any OW as he had with his wife1. But at some point we had to stop beating a dead horse.

AND you know what? In a way we were wrong, b/c my oldest brother is NOT a very good or attentive h.

He does not want a very close (="demanding") r with a wife. He wants a woman wife low/no expectations of him except fidelity.

He likes to get his family fix when he wants it, like a day a week, or less, and then wants to be a single guy in other ways. He won't cheat, he's just self centered and very into his career and multiple hobbies.
For W1, he was a lousy h. She wanted someone to help raise their d, she wanted a partner who would give as much as he took, or try to...

He's witty, he's well read and he treats my mom well. But he's ALWAYS been a lazy person when it comes to relationships...he "needs" a low maintenance wife, whereas his first wife wanted a partner. So to tell you the truth that's probably why w1 is happier now, and my brother MIGHT be....I can't tell.

He'd never admit in a million years that he had made a mistake.

Don't assume that your ex's family has been thrilled with OW. They may have been thrilled with their break up, and may have hoped to God that you were to return. Imagine how their hopes were dashed when he told them the "good news"...

I cannot tell you how many holidays were negatively affected by having to meet another new person one of my single brothers was dating.

To this day, I miss my former SIL...and a part of me is always going to be disappointed in my brother for leaving her, even though she assures me she is happier.


These days my former SIL and her h, and my brother and his w2, are able to attend events for their daughter.

Last month my ex sil went to visit my niece in DC at her new job. My niece has been living with her dad, (my brother and his w2) and their baby girl.

My niece is there for a year internship. My x sil stayed with them! And it went well.p

That may be unusual but hey, I have seen it. It can happen.

And knowing my x sil is happier, helps me a lot.

You will get there too. With or without your h.

But try not to be so hurt that your mil "accepted" OW into her home. It's not that she accepted her, it's that she is dealing with the reality that her son has made a bad choice and your mil is stuck with it.

That's how my mom and siblings see my older brother's choices...we just do our best not to have a scene and to "welcome" the new person.

I actually feel a sense of loss at times, even now. So do my sisters.

I bet no one at your MIL's house was "Happy" to see OW and NOT see you.
No wonder she brought presents for your kids...
Your in laws miss you and they have to hide it from OW and to an extent, from their son/brother.

IMO, there's No way did they not think of you and miss you. NO way.

They have their own loss to face b/c of your h's choices. Just another dimension of the damage done b/c when a divorce happens and families are re arranged, there are more than just two parents who get affected.

Well, enough said. Back to YOU and some GAL...we're working on it!

((( )))