posted by JF – “Then S12 got the third degree for not talking to her.”
And what did you do while she was giving him the third degree? Just wondering….did you try and fix it?
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posted by TSquared “JF, in my sitch, the crazier she got, the more the boys moved towards me, the rock. W being uber-Mom for so long, didn't take kindly to this change.”
OMG – I almost forgot how similar so many of these sitchs are. My XW did the same thing. In the end, the kids will really figure it out and as long as you remained focused on YOU and NOT on her or on trying to FIX the R between her and they, you will be fine.
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posted by JF …. “Biggest thing I'm having to do now is handle preteen emotions from S12. I have reminded him on several occasions lately to not talk back to mother and respect her.”
Buddy…welcome to the world of raising a teenager. Chit ain’t easy man. Best advice I can give you. Focus on you. Stay true to YOU. Enforce boundaries. In all cases, ask yourself….”what is best for them” (not YOU, not W, nope – for them).
JF – you remind me of me when I first came here…the best advice I can give you is to keep looking at YOUR weeds and YOUR weeds only. It is very tough, especially when you are faced with having the deal with W while living in the home. Once you really begin to dig though, if done HONESTLY, you may find that ya have quite a few weeds to pull out.
The more you look in the mirror at YOURSELF, the less you will see what she is doing. I spent a very long time, long time, running from myself. Try not to make that mistake. The other habit I found myself falling into was trying to FIX everything, trying to shield the kids from this, trying to control the whole sitch. Ya can’t. You may think you can and chit may spend a ton of energy trying to control it all. In the end, what will happen will happen. As I look back now, I can see how easy it was for me to try and control it all. Why? It enable me to focus on what I was comfortable with – CONTROL – and NOT FOCUS on the work that was needed. How could I spend time working on me if I was busy trying to fix everything else. My point, is that this time, is best served really becoming the man you want to be. Who is that man JF, who is man when the going gets tough, when no one is around, who is the man that you (not me, not Mach, not YOUR W, not your friends, not your family – F*ck not even your kids) want to be. What the values that are important to you? Do you need to change friends, do you want to be so true to yourself that you never spend time lying to yourself? What kind of dad do you want to be, who is JF away from his kids, who is JF away from his W?
JF – digging inside yourself takes time, it is not a quick process, it is something that is fluid that evolves over time. If you think about it…the mlcer is in some ways doing the same thing. Changing – evolving. It really is part of life. So please man, learn to completely ignore her, and spend all of your energy on YOU and the kids. The urge will come to do something for her to “see it”, for you to “show her”. In the beginning of my journey, I did a lot of things – some direct – some not so direct, some…quite honestly a little manipulative – I did thing hoping, praying, that she would see the change. Her is the problem with that…the change was for HER – NOT me. Make changes for YOU man and with NO expectation that anyone, except yourself will see or appreciate the changes. If you do it for you…it is a win win. If you do it for her or for the kids, or because that what you think someone else or society expects….well then you are not be true to JF.
Be true to YOU…
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
