I am afraid of the not knowing. I am not afraid of moving forward. I Find it very hard to give up on my belief that this man is in crisis and I made a commitment to him. To not give up on him or this family. I think when we said all of the 'love' statements at the strt of our marriage both of us really never fully understood what it really means to commit to someone.
I do not want my kids growing up with a single parent although I am doing well. I want it to be their daddy that raises them too, not another man.
I still hurt from the betrayal. I still hurt from him giving his love so easily to someone else and leaving me alone. For giving up on me and finding me not worth his time or effort anymore. That in fact me and the kids have been left behind.
I am healing but the kids are not. And I know the damage this is causing. The only thing that could possibly really heal them would be a reconciliation - even if tht doesn't happen and the do move forward- and they will with my help as well, there will always be the scars that will not heal.
Who are we to bring children into this world and destroy their hopes and securities and beliefs? Who are we to cause such damage?
I have it in mean to believe. I do believe. I am afraid of H never realising the value of what he left behind. The love of his family the beauty and innocence of his kids, the sheer joy of being a parent. And while he may never come back or finish his crisis, and I will actually have to leave limbo land, the kids will be the real victims.. And the whole cycle will begin again for them. D already has trust and anger issues. S is sad. I know I had my part to play in the demise of my M and that a mine to own for not being more self aware and more protective of what I valued- my H - my family. I have owned my issues and continue to work on them. I am in such new territory for myself... This new way of looking At life... I didn't realise how negative I had been - so selfish and self righteous.
So I am glad this happened becUse it made me a better mum and a better person and I have joy in my heart now. I am at peace at last.
I want to tell H enough now. The kids need us back together. That for me is motivation enough.
I do think though even if H has considered R which I doubt, he wouldn't come back unless he was sure. And I respect that. I guess i want a chance.
Also I need to work on som more forgivin. I hate the OW. She was a friend. She came to the birth of my first child! And I blame her for part of H's absence from my kids' lives.
So I don't know. Yep. I guess I am afraid of the unknown, still angry about how this is effecting my kids and hate the Ow.
I believe in H. I feel like I have to convince myself of that sometmes.
