I'm 42 M and married 20 years. 3 kids and what looks like a great marriage on the outside.
To be honest, everything is wonderful except our affection & sex life. I view these as 2 different things.
The first 5-10 years of our marriage, sex, affection was very frequent. (french kissing, holding hands, oral sex(both), arm around each other, 2-3 times per week sex, really couldn't keep our hands off each other.
Then it slowing started to take a nose dive.
First, the kissing & oral sex (which is not a big deal to me) but she didn't want to anymore. I asked about issues and it was my breath...went to dentist and found out I had a bad tooth I didn't realize. Had it extracted, had several cleanings since then...healthy mouth.... doesn't matter. She probably kisses me 1 time a week maybe 2 times now 10 years later.
Next I noticed the other forms of affection.. holding hands, sitting with me, touching me during sex, looking at me, her being on top, her desire to enjoy it wasnt there. It's more of, you can go, I'm tired. You can go, I have a headache.. it's ok. Eyes shut, no emotion during intercourse, only when I help her go during oral sex. It went from sexual intercourse 2-3 times a week to maybe 2-3 times a month to the last 5 years 2-3 times in 3 months.
We've had very open conversations about this and I've honestly tried everything she's suggested from getting my teeth fixed all the way to I have to initiate in the afternoons AFTER a nap, when I know she isn't sleeping.
Last week was the final straw for me. It was the afternoon, like we've had sex many times... she had just been awake for at least 10 minutes laying there looking at her facebook account and she turned over to put her phone away I laid behind her and put my arm around her like a million other times. Caressing her breast I asked if she would like me to "rub" her. Her response was: "I can't stop you, so sure". In a very condescending & frustrated way. I was crushed. (Keep in mind this was another attempt after not having sex since Nov. 7th.)
Here's the thing. I LOVE my wife very much. She's incredibly beautiful, seriously! I know I'm suppose to say that because I'm her husband but it's breathtaking. Very beautiful, sexy and doesn't look 45 at all!
Me on the other hand... I've been overweight since before we met and I know I'm not that attractive. She says that isn't it but I have to wonder. I've tried everything she's suggested I do over the years to no avail.
-Teeth -Stay home more (work too much) -Not interested in what I am -Dates -Buy stuff -Too hard because I'm a mom to switch to being a lover -I'll be fine If I never have sex again (which we went 10 months once without having it) -Be involved with kids -Do stuff together
Now, I'll shut up because I know this is long...I honestly feel like in order to have sex or receive any affection from my wife of 20 years I have to take her to a hotel or someplace without the kids and if I'm lucky, get a couple drinks in her before she feels she can.
I know you guys may not believe this but it's not the act of sex that I'm wanting. I can relieve myself to do that... it's the DESIRE from my wife to want me. There is none. I've explained this a hundred times and her response is: I'm not you. Quit trying to make me you.
So, here I sit, knowing I'm fat, but have been working out WITH her (to build our time together and similar interest) and I've lost some weight. I make all the money for our home. I am home every single night of the week by 5PM to do homework with kids or hang out with her or go shopping etc.. whatever she wants. I've taken her to a tropical island, bought her a car, written her notes, tried dating and it is getting worse.
I can feel myself sinking to a dark place in my mind and I don't want to fight about this again. I'm tired, lonely and never felt so humiliated in all my life.
I go to see a therapist this week to which I'm sure she'll be livid but I can't take it anymore.
