thanks for the note. yeah, i know, wouldn't you kill for some certainty???? just knowing what you might (really) expect from the future? even if only a week or a month.???
it feels like my entire life and world has been on hold. i can see tho, that you are living and i am too, it's just "different" becasue we can't have thisnice little life idea in our mind, like we used to.
i liked thinking i knew where i was gong and with who.
oh well- i am like you- i've been waiting for hm to walk out of my life - or throw me out of his - for soooolong i can hardly even have fear anymore. just tired -
HEY- MAYBE THAT'S BRAVERY - when you just don't have the energy to have fear??? maybe i'm like all fearless and brave now? (don't feel it so much)
i'm not quite "cowering" like before. i look back at what i felt and how it must have made me LOOK - EEEEK.
I DON'T EVEN wanna see that life and that person and that guy either. what a giant awful "show".
am feeling mor human & you sound okay too- we are getting patience, whether we can reallt tell or not. i can tell i'm more patient - a bit. alot of it i'm sure is h not actually rubbing salt in somewould or jacking me up.
i truly wonder what is in his brain- i think if i could just, like you, know for sure- i could go either way- i just need his direction and i'd be headed out.
impatience agin- oh well, maybe i'm not so patient. i am still here tho- i keep telling myself still i can always end it tomorrow-
and also i think of allll the good aspects - still outweigh the bad i think- i could be kidding myself- but hey
MY NEW MATRA:
NOTHING BAD IS HAPPING THIS MINUTE- SO I'M OKAY.
i'm getting very good at not looking back at what i can't change OR FORWARD at what i can't control...
