I need help! My IC thinks it's a good idea to go to my W. After reading The email W sent me, He thinks I should get on a plane and show her through actions how much I love her and want our marriage to work. After the counseling session I decided to text her and told her I wanted to speak her. We haven't spoken since Thanskgiving, and that was for 30'seconds. The rest of the time I spoke to SD. So after a week of basically being dark, except for her texts inquiring about refinancing her vehicle, I decided to let her know that I know about her EA, PA, whatever you want to call it. I told her that I felt that I pushed her to him with my neglect and lies. That she probably felt our marriage was hopeless. She didn't deny. She didn't apologize. At one point I noticed my tone had changed from calm to anger. I told her I was hurt because of all of her lies since she's been gone. I told her I felt like the minute she left she had already made up her mind thay our marriage was over and she was starting over with him. I was able to collect myself and speak to her rationally. She told me that she hadn't made up her mind until after her weekend visit, where I smothered her with my neediness, and being clingy. She said she felt awkward. I told her that for the last 3 + months I have known about him and how jealous and angry it made me feel. I admitted to her that my motivation to buy the pick up artist information was all about me trying to figure out how I was going to be ok without her. I explained to her that the argument over her cell phone when she was here visiting, was all triggered from my knowledge of her communication with him while she was with me. I made sure she knew this was all my fault and I didn't tell her to make her feel guilty or argue with her. I still don't know why I told her. I said to her that I wanted to be completely honest with her. That I want to tell her everything.
I know, everyone on here is shaking their saying "Nooooo, he didn't do that!" Well, I did, and I can't take it back! But then we spoke for another hour. She cried. I listened to her rehash how hard she tried to make our marriage work. As we end our phone call, she says now what? When can I call you again? I said whenever you want to. She said I will call you later. One hour later she calls. Relationship talk is over. Now we are being our usual selves. Laughing and joking. Talking to each other like we used to. Again at the end she asks when can I call you. I said whenever you want to. She say ok.... Later tonight. She doesn't call, but she did text me that evening. We text for about an hour before going to bed. The first text I get this morning is from her. I was at work today, and our text convo was basically all day up until 4pm.
She text me tonight about 1030 pm. I did not respond until 130am. I asked her if she was still awake. No response.
I am so confused! Why does she want to communicate so much now that we have talked about OM?
Why does my mind tell me to stop pursuing and telling her how I feel, and my heart tells me to get on the next plane before I lose her forever?
