Thanks so much Pud. I am so used to myself being the sobbing mess that I really did not know what to do. I guess I will just sit back and see how the next few days play out. I am going to brace myself for him to withdraw a lot again. It seems that we are in bit of the push/pull dance.
3, I agree with Pud - it is great that you were able to hear some of what H is feeling right now. I am soooooo impressed with how you handled the call (I would have been telling the cab driver a shortcut to get here faster)!! You kept your boundaries, you validated his feelings - it was perfect!!
I am guessing that your H will retreat some now . . . but he has all the things you said to think about. That you do not hate him, that you care about him too, and that you are not going to put up with him having an OW.
Well, he's clearly in conflict right now. I think this is a great sign.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
3, haven't commented much on your thread but have been silently following along.
Sounds me to that you handled a very tough situation in a very positive manner. And consistent w/how you want things to be and the boundaries you have clearly set.
Stay strong!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Just like I thought, h was retreated. H acted like nothing had happened. Before he left, from his night with the kids, he apologized and said that he was just lonely and tired of sleeping with his pillows. For a second today , I let myself think that maybe H does loves me a little bit after all. I should not have gone there. I let myself have expectations even though I told myself not to and I got hurt. I don't know if I am more annoyed at H or myself. Now I am crying. I hate this. I hate how unbelievablely selfish H is.
I REALLY need to detach. I need to put a large gap in between myself and h. Every time I let him inch closer I get hurt.
I am sorry your H is being such a selfish so and so. I'm pretty mad at him myself right now!
Don't be so hard on yourself. Any human would have had the same hope/expectation that you did after that phone call.
Look, you did a great job handling the call last night. You stuck to your boundaries. And you knew he was going to retreat after that. Make sure you are putting this into perspective. It's one mini chapter in this story.
Let yourself cry and be sad - this does $uck. Then keep doing what you are doing - you are doing great!!
Hang in there, 3.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I had a great day with my kids today. We met h for lunch with Santa. H left after lunch since it was my day with the kids. We wound up going on a horse drawn carriage ride. After dinner, I dressed the kids in their Christmas PJs, grabbed blankets, got hot chocolate and headed to a festival of lights show. The kids loved it and we had a great day starting new traditions.
I am starting to realize that I can have a full and happy life even if h is not in it. At least I don't have to get hurt by his actions on a daily basis. I think for so long I have had h on a pedastal. But the more I come out of the LBS fog, the more I realize that not only is h a crappy husband but I don't really like him much as a person. H was always loved to be the center of attention and put himself first. I am nof sure if he will ever chsnge. Maybe I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone like that. I really do believe that I deserve something better than he has been offering for years.
At lunch, h mentioned wanting to take the kids to his office party. He said that OW may be there with her kids. He asked if that would be OK. H said that they would not interact with OW. I told him that I was prefer that the kids not attend if OW is there. I said that OW has been flaunting their relationship and based in their last lies I did not believe that ow would not interact with them. Buf i fold him the decision was uo to him. H said that it [censored] they can't go but would not attend because he understands my feelings. After I felt bad. Why do I feel bad in these types of situations? H chose to have an A with a coworker and there are consequences to that decision. I should not feel bad. I need to work on this. I guess it is good that I recognize that this is a problem and stopped myself today.
I am glad that my pity parties are getting shorter. I guess it means that I am getting stronger. During H's apology for his phone call, h mentioned that he was lonely and tired of laying in bed with his pillows. In an attempt to lighten the mood,h said that he should invest in a blow up doll to snuggle with so he would not call me when he is upset. So for Christmas, H will be getting a blow up doll from Santa. I am not buying H anything, but figured a gag gift will show H that I still have a sense of humor despite all the crap that he has put me through. Guess today was a really good day if I can laugh despite how stupid and selfish h is.
3, you are awesome. Seriously. Just such an inspiration for those of us a little behind you. The blow up doll - I love it. Please do go through with it. It's too funny. The one thing I have tried really hard to maintain during this s.h.i.t.t.y. time is my sense of humor. It is the only thing keeping me from going completely insane. I am betting yours has helped you through as well.
Speaking of which, I thought of you earlier today when I was trying to come up with ideas on what our elf on the shelf will be doing tomorrow. One thought was to cut H's head out of a bunch of family photos and replace it with a picture of the elf's head . . . I thought you might approve.
I'm glad you had such a good day. I bet your kiddos did too. And facing the honest truth about how great or not so great your H is/was is not only important but hey, it's a lot easier to imagine life without him if you're not so enamored with him. I don't want to get back into the habit of looking for the negative in my H, but when he does things that I find offensive or annoying (like playing on his phone during every last second of downtime, and oftentimes in the middle of a conversation with me or an activity with the kids), I do make sure to take note.
I guess at least I will give your H a smidge of credit for checking with you about the party and respecting your wishes with respect to the children seeing OW. And you are correct, you should NOT feel bad!! I find myself doing the same thing, though - constantly protecting my H. I don't know why we do this . . . let me know if you figure this one out.
Hope the rest of your weekend goes as well as today did!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
M - I like the elf idea. I may steal it this week. I am running out of good ideas.
Today was pretty uneventful. It was our family day. I knew H went out last night with his single buddy. I did not ask about it and he did not mention it. In the past I would have trouble sleeping if I knew H was out. I had no problem sleeping last night. I guess that gal helps in more way than one. H was kind of quiet all day. He had planned to make a movie of our elf in the self with the boys. The kids lost interest after a bit but h spent the majority of the day on it . I headed out alone for a few hours because I really did not feel like spending time with h today. I knew that H would still act reserved because of his phone call on Thursday and I was right.
I have been thinking about the phone call and what h said and I actually think that he was speaking from his heart. I don't really think it was the alcohol talking. Although I am sure the alcohol helped drop the wall he has built up. It is so weird to have him be vulnerable and let me into his thoughts for a short time and then watch him rebuild those walls right back up. I won't see h again until Thursday so I think things should normalize a bit by then.
Journaling - Things have been going pretty well this week. I had an unexpected day off work yesterday due to the weather. The boys and I had a blast. For the first time ever, I shoveled the driveway. We went sledding and built snowmen. In the past, I have always stayed in the house and watched our youngest while H took out the older boys. It felt great that I can take care of our house all on my own. I don't need to rely upon H and that feels empowering.
After I put the kids to bed last night, I was down by the Christmas tree with a glass of wine, some cookies and watched Love Actually while I wrapped some presents. H and I used to watch that movie together every year at Christmas time. For a while I have been avoiding shows/movies that make me think of H. But I really wanted to watch it and I really enjoyed myself. I realized that I really do want to fall in love again. I am still hopeful that I will get to fall in love with H, but if not I am hopeful to have love back in my life because I have really missed it.
It has almost been five months since BD. I know that I am still at the beginning, but it feels like a lifetime. I am starting to forget what it felt like to have H living at our house. The kids and I am learning to live with our new normal.
I love that you are having good times now, and that you watched the movie without H and allowed yourself to enjoy it.
But, like I feel with many of the other great people here, it makes me sad (and kind of angry sometimes) what we are all going through. I'm actually kind of mad that your H is so foolish to not see what a great W and family he is missing out on.
Back to the good part - since you are a few months ahead of me and we have some similarities in our sitches, and since you are handling yourself so well, I often derive inspiration from you to keep dusting myself off and carry on. So thank you!!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
