Love is a Choice

[uRworthy]

I know this seems to be a good ole boys thread, for the most part, but, that wont stop me.

Oh, and no naughty list for me, I get into enough trouble on my own : )

Enough said. ^^^^

Any of this make sense?

Hey JF, whenever you need my crytic decoder ring, you let me know.

You know J, in the grand scheme of things, it really doesnt matter whether live in is better or whatev. It is what it is and that's what you have to deal with. Either way, your stuff is the same.

So, couple of things. I get that you were trying to engage her with the green beans. And I know you feel you want to explain stuff to her - how she's wrong. You are different, it's not a show, etc.

The thing of it is that she cant hear you. To her all she hears is blah, blah, blah. There he goes again. She isnt capable of hearing you right now.

Your job right now is to give her as much space as you can. It is to figure your sh!t out and to get out of the way of hers.

The goal each day is to be the man you want to be. You wont always make it, but, that should be the goal. Until eventually, it is who you are.

Telling her that you have to pick up the slack because she isnt doing it, isnt, I would think, being the man you aim to be, right?

You can make yourself crazy trying to figure stuff out. That's why it is best to just remember to live your life without regard to her actions and words.

She is telling you she doesnt want to be married right now, you need to hear that. Doesnt mean it will always be that way. Just that it is how it is right now.

So, since you have heard that, you now need to let her see that you have. That means no telling her you love her, no expectations, no assuming anything.

Do what you need to do for you and for your children. That doesnt mean to be unfriendly. It doesnt mean to be spiteful.

It just means that you heard her and you are giving her the space she is clearly telling you she needs.

Be the person that you want to be. Regardless of her actions, words or reactions.

It gets easier, sweetie. It does.

[JFun51]

Thanks UR. As Mach described it on my earlier thread, I got a little touch and go with some of her actions before Thanksgiving and then way too much time on my hands over the holiday and, holy smokes, I backslid. Will try not to let it happen again. Busy hands and busy mind keep me on track.

[JFun51]

T2 mentioned the need to "get out the Kevlar" and "suit up" some days. That was definitely tonight at my house. W came in the door wide open. Me and S12 both caught billets without saying anything.

S12 had expressed frustrations about school and bball as I brought him home from practice. He confided in me and dad gave him a nice pep talk. He had showered and gone to his room to lay down by the time W and S10 entered in a tornado. W asked where he was, I mentioned he didn't feel great and was laying down. Spanish Inquisition ensued as she says, "I knew something was wrong. He wouldn't talk to me last night. I kept asking him." Then S12 got the third degree for not talking to her.

Decorated the tree, the living room, etc. W emerged from MBR lair for about 30 minutes and right back. Did tell me thank you for getting everything out and up. Ping pong showdown with S12 afterwards. Gonna get a nighttime run in now. 75 degrees here at 10:15.

[uRworthy]

J, you are going to backslide again. Trust me on that. But
they get fewer and far between as you go along.

The way to try to avoid it is to keep your eyes straight ahead, right?

[AJM]

The way to try to avoid it is to keep your eyes straight ahead, right?

Just be sure that when you look ahead, it's at your own garden, yeah? And try to remember that this is not forever. It's for a period of time - one that you can't see, yet know is finite. It's nothing you can't handle. Even the digging in your own garden - as Eric mentioned, it s*cks for a while, but when it gets to the point that it grows it is all worth it. Every bit of it.

Being angry for long periods of time is stressful. I don't know why people do it...

AJ

[TSquared2]

Spanish Inquisition ensued as she says, "I knew something was wrong. He wouldn't talk to me last night. I kept asking him."

JF, in my sitch, the crazier she got, the more the boys moved towards me, the rock. W being uber-Mom for so long, didn't take kindly to this change. She was the center of the universe through their younger years, and as they have moved into a different place, this was a factor in her mlc.

I'd put money on it that you will see more of this from her. Like us, they have to work through things to come to acceptance...that her little kids aren't so little any more...they have changed. Her cherished "job"...she's being slowly pink-slipped...how would that feel, knowing the job you love was going "bye-bye", as you knew it?

That has to be hard...how hard is it for us to work towards acceptance of the change in our M's?

I think we have some idea of how they might feel, right?

Make allowances, understand, have compassion.

I hear you, been that, done there...it gets better, trust me...the more you back off, let her let it out (without being abusive), the faster her anger will burn out. But she has to burn it out herself.

If it gets borderline abusive, especially with the kids, then act...I had to do that. Took s3 and myself away as she was being emotionally abusive to him...I took him away for the afternoon, as she begged to us to not leave her alone, that was so hard....J, your W is hurting so much, please look at her actions through that filter.

Hang in there!!!

[JFun51]

JF, in my sitch, the crazier she got, the more the boys moved towards me, the rock. W being uber-Mom for so long, didn't take kindly to this change. She was the center of the universe through their younger years, and as they have moved into a different place, this was a factor in her mlc.

I feel this every day. I now sign permission slips, pick up and drop off at functions, wake up S12 every morning, etc. as she continues to withdraw from responsibility and life in general, they come to me for everything. S10 is a big hug guy. He literally jumps me every time I walk toward him. He's super affectionate with me all the time now. Biggest thing I'm having to do now is handle preteen emotions from S12. I have reminded him on several occasions lately to not talk back to mother and respect her.

[TSquared2]

My Mom told me about how hard it was for her to have me "move away" in my pre-teen, teen, and young man stages.

Ask your Mom about that if you can.

[JFun51]

Happened later for my mom. She divorced dad when I went off to college. Gave him the "I don't think I ever loved you" speech. Kind of eerie now.

[TSquared2]

My Mom and Dad are still together, but they had their time when I was in high school...

Yeah, eerie, family dynamics repeating...

Break the cycle.