Moving My Picnic Blanket Over Here

[bustingout]

Not any.... NG!

[bustingout]

I woke this morning to the news of Nelson Mandela. I couldn't stop the tears listening to the news channels reflecting on his life and his sheer will and belief to stand for being guided by love, not fear... Truth and reconciliation, not blame and revenge.

And of course I thought of standing... Us standing for what we believe in - despite the brutal realities of our current situations. And how we can waiver I that belief when we get scared or don't see progress. And how hard it is to keep digging to keep finding the belief and living it in hope and love and not fear and hate. And I remembered Jacks simple yet powerful words that he posted to us all yesterday. And I cried some more. And felt stronger standing.

[Pudmuddle]

Mandela was a man we should all listen to, his words and soulful beliefs will never be forgotten.

That was beautiful busting.

[JuneReN]

Hear hear

[tigerlily78]

Aww... Busting, that was well said. I am sorry you cried, but I am happy you found strength in doing so.

"A good head and a good heart are always a formidable combination."
-Nelson Mandela

[bustingout]

I don't want to be afraid anymore of what may or may not happen. I don't want to 'expect the worst' ... I'm tired of living in a future riddled with fear. I want to stand in hope not in fear. I am going to work on this.

Another Mandela quote:

"Do not judge me by my success, judge me by how many times I fell and got back up again," Neslon Mandela

[bustingout]

Thank you ladies for your kind words :-)

[JuneReN]

Busting, are you truly afraid or is it the not knowing?

Because I never see you as afraid.

Also, as we both know, somedays the H takes up more space in our heads than we would like.

And we also know we get over it.

[bustingout]

I am afraid of the not knowing. I am not afraid of moving forward. I Find it very hard to give up on my belief that this man is in crisis and I made a commitment to him. To not give up on him or this family. I think when we said all of the 'love' statements at the strt of our marriage both of us really never fully understood what it really means to commit to someone.

I do not want my kids growing up with a single parent although I am doing well. I want it to be their daddy that raises them too, not another man.

I still hurt from the betrayal. I still hurt from him giving his love so easily to someone else and leaving me alone. For giving up on me and finding me not worth his time or effort anymore. That in fact me and the kids have been left behind.

I am healing but the kids are not. And I know the damage this is causing. The only thing that could possibly really heal them would be a reconciliation - even if tht doesn't happen and the do move forward- and they will with my help as well, there will always be the scars that will not heal.

Who are we to bring children into this world and destroy their hopes and securities and beliefs? Who are we to cause such damage?

I have it in mean to believe. I do believe. I am afraid of H never realising the value of what he left behind. The love of his family the beauty and innocence of his kids, the sheer joy of being a parent. And while he may never come back or finish his crisis, and I will actually have to leave limbo land, the kids will be the real victims.. And the whole cycle will begin again for them. D already has trust and anger issues. S is sad. I know I had my part to play in the demise of my M and that a mine to own for not being more self aware and more protective of what I valued- my H - my family. I have owned my issues and continue to work on them. I am in such new territory for myself... This new way of looking At life... I didn't realise how negative I had been - so selfish and self righteous.

So I am glad this happened becUse it made me a better mum and a better person and I have joy in my heart now. I am at peace at last.

I want to tell H enough now. The kids need us back together. That for me is motivation enough.

I do think though even if H has considered R which I doubt, he wouldn't come back unless he was sure. And I respect that. I guess i want a chance.

Also I need to work on som more forgivin. I hate the OW. She was a friend. She came to the birth of my first child! And I blame her for part of H's absence from my kids' lives.

So I don't know. Yep. I guess I am afraid of the unknown, still angry about how this is effecting my kids and hate the Ow.

I believe in H. I feel like I have to convince myself of that sometmes.

[bustingout]

Maybe I am afraid to believe in H?