on the edge pt 2

[dingo]

I should mention that I did speak with her today. She called to schedule a meet up time for her to come to the house. She was much friendlier than usual so maybe the day apart did us a bit of good.

She asked if I could help her with a few heavy items and I cheerfully agreed. She asked if I wanted to discuss other things and I said "now"? She said she couldn't now because she had a little work to finish up but later. I agreed to later right away - which is a huge 180 for me. Typically I would be so anxious to know something that i would pressure her to go into another office and talk, or call me when she gets in her car to come home.

She called back 5 minutes later but I was in a meeting with my boss so didn't get the call. When I did get back to my desk she had sent a text that read 'finished what I had to do and had a few minutes to talk.' I replied about an hour later with 'let just talk later.'

[dingo]

2 hours til showtime. Prepping my gameface...

[dingo]

Heading home from work now...wish me luck. Will fill you in later.

[jp787]

Here are my questions:

Is it important that I know her intentions with the D paperwork or should I just let that dog lie? I feel like I need to know something but I feel like she could still very well be wavering and could still change her mind back and forth.

Not important now, don’t bring it up.

How about the financial situation? Is that all that important to discuss now or is it likely to just add more tension?

Not important now, don’t bring it up.

I know I do not need to restate my position on the OM. The best I am hoping for from her at this point is some time apart (she and I- j won't try to control who else she spends time with) for us both to get some space and figure out what we want.

Not important now, don’t bring it up.

Do I just let her bring up things she wants to talk about?

YES!!!

Do I not entertain any R discussions?

If she brings them up, listen to her and thank her. I would not get involved with R talks, if possible right now, it more than likely won’t go well, right now.

[quote=dingo
Typically I would be so anxious to know something that i would pressure her
[/quote]

This was me, really bad. It is good you are aware of it and keep your distance.

Dingo, you have a great plan, keep it short and simple, show her kindness and listen to her, let her drive the talks. This is hard man, I know. You CAN do this!

[dingo]

Thanks jp. I am actually looking forward to this.

[melissag]

Dingo, I think jp answered your questions exactly right! Let her bring up what she will. Listen, listen, listen. Be calm, and remember that one interaction isn't going to make or break things. You'll do fine. Good luck - let us know how it goes!

[dingo]

It went great. She came over and I was upstairs getting dressed. I didn't go down to greet her and after a few minutes she came up. She asked about my work party the night before and I told her that we all had a great time and laughed a lot. She knows all of my coworkers and their significant others so she asked about a few of them.

Then I took one of the TV off the wall for her and loaded it into her car. I was pleasant and held my tongue when I envisioned the OM watching my TV. Lol!

We went inside and I put my jacket on to leave. She asked me if I was going to get a Christmas tree for the house and I told her yes. She was just standing there staring at me and I figured I had to break the ice a little so I asked her if she wanted to come help me decorate it. Not the best move but it worked out. She told me that it depended on what we were doing and asked what I wanted to do. I said I still haven't given up hope and think we need to continue to give each other space before we do anything permanent. She agreed saying that she found herself thinking more about me and in a more positive way during the day that we didn't talk. I agreed and that was that. She gave me a hug and a kiss and I left.

I was very happy. My goal was just to have a positive interaction as her last impression before i go dark again. So now it's back to that. She is clear on my boundry and the consequences for continuing the affair and she initiates next contact. I didn't spell those out to her again but am just reiterating for you guys.

Oh- she also said she wanted to exchange Christmas gifts. I told her I would think about it and that we should see where we are in a few weeks. I think it could be a nice chance think do something meaningful for her that the OM couldn't do but could it also be enabling cake eating??

[dingo]

After a nice talk last night and a nice night with my mom, I am feeling pretty good and confident this morning. I am going to do some shopping for new furniture to replace some of the things she took with her.

I had also started to decorate my place for Christmas before she came over yesterday and she made a comment about that. I think I will also try to get a small tree today and do a little more of that.

Without trying to dwell on the negative, I am also not letting myself lose sight of the improvements I need to make. Looking back, I can't believe I took her for granted like I did.

Anyway- just some more musings and thoughts from me this morning.

[melissag]

Dingo, you did great! When you go dark, this is the interaction she's going to think about and remember, and it sounds like it was positive, and definitely gave her some things to think about. Awesome that you showed her you had other things to do and you weren't going to sit around crying.

Sounds like you are keeping up your PMA this morning - good for you. Great idea to do some furniture shopping and holiday decorating. Make the place the way you like it!

[dingo]

I know not everybody reads everyone else's threads but I wanted to share a couple of other mistakes I made in case some others are in the same situation.

Within a few weeks of finding out about the affair, things were still very rocky. My wife was still involved and continued to lie to me. I got a lawyer and filed for D. Then, later in the process, when she told me she wanted a separation and was moving out, I had her served.

At the time I did both of these things, I felt like I was preparing myself to move on and close the chapter. My real motives however were to get my wife to 'wake up'. So in effect, they were pressure. Pressure may work in the short term, and it did for me. My wife stayed around for a few more weeks and then decided she needed to leave again. You do not want pressure to be your spouses motivation to come back.

Also, really take the time to be honest with yourself before you act. You do not have to rush into anything no matter what friends, family or people on these forums tell you. Take your time and evaluate what you really want and decide if that action will help you get there.

In my case, I acted out of emotion. I told myself I wanted to move on but I really didnt. While my wife had said she wanted a divorce in the past, she never once did anything about it other than react to my moves (she spoke to a lawyer after I did; she had her lawyer contact mine- as the law requires- after she was served). The point is that my rushing and my actions have put us closer to a divorce - the last thing I want- than we would otherwise be.

Be honest with yourself and take your time!!