Moved Back from Overseas to Figure This Out...

[labug]

Hello, again.

What did you discover about you in 2 weeks of working on you?

Not to sound harsh, but don't get caught up in what your W is doing.

[S4tk]

labug,

I am discovering a few things:

1) I have some problems with wanting to "save" others from their problems.

2) I also have coping mechanisms that I go to when I want to avoid negative feelings. Some of the coping mechanisms are unhealthy, some are just neutral. But when I avoid negative feelings, there are two bad side effects: first, I learn less about myself and fail to see truth; second, when I cannot relate to my own negative feelings, or those of others like W, then I am blocking emotional intimacy.

3) I will be OK no matter what W decides.

4) After 5 months, I need to trust God for more patience because I feel myself getting resentful about this state of limbo.

5) To deal with #4 in a healthy way, I need to continue to GAL and I need to let myself feel the negative emotions, take them in, understand them, and use that new understanding to keep improving.

6) I feel guilty when I go to work. This is a random thing, but I need to figure out what this means.

7) Contrary to what I thought, I am a person of deep feeling (all the personality tests would always fall far on the thinking side so I think I ignored my feeling side) and I often react and act based from feeling and not rationale.

8) Losing weight and getting in shape makes me feel good. I was a "fat" kid and have never been happy with my health/body.

9) I love spending time with my kids and want them to feel loved always.

10) Detaching is what I need to do to keep sane and to improve myself, but I still have doubts about its efficacy in potentially saving the M. I don't like the tension there.

11) My whole nuclear family (the one I was born into) has problems comfortably expressing emotion.

There's probably more but I need to head out for IC.

[S4tk]

What are some tips for not letting it get to me when W is just nasty?

DR suggests not talking to family or friends because they will probably side with me and it won't be helpful. I have tried this before beginning DBing, and indeed - all that I talked to who know both of us well (including FIL) kind of "enable" my confusion because they don't understand W right now either.

So if I am to kind of withdraw from talking to people close to me about the situation, and most days the coldness / iciness / nastiness / ignoring kind of bring me down, what are some tips for getting beyond that? I am GALing, but especially while at work the feelings come and go and are distracting at best.

[S4tk]

About a week ago, we received an email from a friend. We are friends with that couple, and sadly the email was from the wife and said that they are going through a divorce.

My W, who is a SAHM (looking for a job since BD) asked me yesterday if I could go in to work late because she wanted to have breakfast with this other wife. Since my schedule is flexible, I simply responded, "Sure, I can do that."

The thing is, this other wife is a lawyer, and my W hadn't talked to her for a few years. I did not ask W anything about the reason for wanting to get together.

Should I ask W if she consulted with our friend concerning S or D, or should I not bring it up? Should I consult an attorney "in case" she is beginning to consider something formal?

At this point, without any debt (except a mortgage where we are thankfully above water with the worth of the house), I really can't see us fighting much about finances or custody if it ever came to that. So I am uncertain if it is necessary for me to be proactive at this time. But maybe there is something important I could be missing?

I'm desiring the idea that she is just exploring options but I have no expectations.

s4tk

[labug]

Maybe she just wanted to have breakfast with a friend and commiserate.

How would asking her what they talked about help you? What would your motive be?

When D has been put on the table, you should always consult a L.

[labug]

This is a really great list and not easy to do.

Are you working on these things with the guidance of your IC?

Could you pick out a couple realizations that might be the keys to all the others.

[S4tk]

This is a really great list and not easy to do.

Are you working on these things with the guidance of your IC?

Could you pick out a couple realizations that might be the keys to all the others.

Labug, from my list, probably #2, 5, and 7 are more foundational.

We are in a tough situation where, in the middle of this mess, we need to find alternative housing. We have been living (the four of us) with my parents for two months now.

I asked her recently what she wanted, and her answer was, "We can't afford two places right now."

We are looking at places with 6-month leases because my work is giving us a temporary assignment around this area, partly "throwing us a bone" because they know we are having relational issues.

I feel that space might be the exact thing both of us need, and that if she had the money she would choose something differently, but I know the predominant advice is not to suggest separation in any way.

I have considered that we could get a place and then have a bird's nest type situation where I could live at my parents' week on, week off - and she could probably find a place with a female friend week on, week off. I'm sure there are other alternatives. This idea is partially one I am considering out of self-preservation. I really don't want to be away from the kids...

Advice? She wants to talk about making a housing choice in the next day or two since we have both been looking at options.

What are some good questions I could ask her in order to show her I am listening to her?

[S4tk]

Any advice on the above question ^^^

Had a great day today. Took the day off and took D5 to Navy Pier for the type of thing little 5 year old girls love: Winter Carnival and ice skating! Managed to stay in my feet. Thoroughly enjoyed the day.

Back here tonight and realizing that I will be fine no matter what the future brings.

[labug]

First, stop whatever else you may be doing and make eye contact.

Really listen and think about what she's saying.

Ask questions to clarify your understanding.

Reflect, mirror.

That sounds interesting or fun or scary or frustrating (as the case may be)

Tell more more about that.

What I hear you saying is ..... is that correct?

Use vocabulary you would normally use so and practice so it doesn't sound stilted.

Good luck, the more you use these skills the easier it gets.

[S4tk]

Sad today. The GALing and detaching has been going well. I am just feeling worn down from various things.

Ran 4.5 miles today in 10F temperature. That woke me up and felt good for sure. Hadn't run for a week because of snow and wind chill.

Came home and was changing S1's diaper before getting ready to head off to work, and then he ran down the hallway into the bathroom, which was one inch ajar. It swung totally open and W was toweling off from a shower. First time I saw her undressed in five months. I immediately looked away and she immediately covered up but maybe the PMA is taking a hit from that.

W has been doing little things lately which I am tempted to put into the "hope" category. She has been initiating with me, coming to sit downstairs after kids are asleep and making small talk. She made her own mocha the other day with some nice European dark cocoa powder and French press coffee and she brought it downstairs and asked me to try it - just for fun.

I think maybe some of the sadness is because I am beginning to think that I will be fine whatever comes about, but I want that process to move forward. If she is going to leave the house, then I want her to go. If she is going to decide to stay and work on the M, then I want that to happen. But any conversations to that end - I have avoided because of obvious reasons.

It's the waiting game. As much as I GAL and put on a happy face, I don't like months and months of uncertainty. Especially when I have to see W several times a day.