Accuray thank you for the input! Well she is wtih OM less than 48 hours out of the week, and then recently it had been 2.5 weeks at home. But I might be just picking straws.
I'm really not ready to date at this point. I'm focused on my business and on healing and learning and becoming someone special.
Where the w wanted to take D3 and I for vacation is a nearby city because there is a winter attraction set up there. Its an ice display that D3 would enjoy, and also a childrens playgroung with slides etc all made of ice. We can go and stay the night, or we can just go to spend the day and come back.
When my wife asked me again last night, I told her that "I didnt think we should be vacationing right now". It was all I could think to say. She responded with "Well if you dont think its a good idea to stay the night, why dont we at least go and spend the day there?".
Afterwards I thought about the dialogue and now I feel I screwed up! Its like she thinks I said not because I dont think we should be spending the money right now, when really I meant we shouldnt be vacationing right now because we are not a couple.
Thanks all! Still waiting for MrBond to chime in!! MrBond you have a lot of reading to catch with =)
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
I have read back through your thread, SM. Of course, none of us knows exactly what the "right thing" to do or say is. Unfortunately, nobody has the magic formula to save our marriages. But, I want to jump on board with some of the ladies here, and give you a good smack with a 2x4... You need to man up and set some boundaries! Your W's choice to openly cheat needs to have SOME consequences.
Just take a look at things more like this for a moment....
Originally Posted By: SM34
The truth is, WIFE should feel very cornered in her life. SHE needs HUSBANDS input with the bills right now if SHE wants to provide a decent life for HER daughter. WIFE needs help with D3 because she is somewhat out of control and has tantrums (Sensory Processing Disorder). Also, disrupting the life of D3 by having her go back and forth between two homes (not sure where Wife would go, and it doesn't matter because that is HER concern, HER choice) would be detrimental to her emotional well being in her current state.
Suckerpunch you are absolutely right, that is what I should have said.
The secondary issue is, if there is no vacation, should I still do the day trip? I'd like to, it would be fun and D3 needs these experiences so her childhood is not a dud. I really have no expectations for the trip....or for any other interaction for matter.
She just messaged me at work....
"I'm not going tonight, so we can decorate the house!! Bring on xmas! Ho ho ho ;)"
Not sure why trip to OM has been cancelled, again. Not sure if she's not going so that we can decorate, or we can decorate because she is not going. But either way, I just answered a simple OK.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Perhaps she is having issues with OM. Perhaps she is just cake eating. Perhaps she just really, really likes those Christmas decorations. It's not your concern. You don't care if she comes or goes. You don't mind either way, right?
I am wondering, do you ever have plans to do something after engaging with W? For example, is there ever a time like tonight, when you would excuse yourself to go to another engagement? That would REALLY show W that you were GAL, and you would be. It would possibly make her wonder WHAT, WHERE and with WHO you were running off with. It might be good for her to winder that. It might be something for you to consider for next time. "Hey Wife, this was fun decorating the house. I really enjoyed this. Sorry I have to excuse myself. I have another thing I agreed to do tonight with some people" Then, just go out.....and actually do something with other people.
The secondary issue is, if there is no vacation, should I still do the day trip? I'd like to, it would be fun and D3 needs these experiences so her childhood is not a dud. I really have no expectations for the trip....or for any other interaction for matter.
That was your answer right there! If you can have no expectations and enjoy yourself, and it will be healthy and fun for daughter, then why on Earth wouldn't you go? By all means go for it, but remember to have fun, be indifferent, not cold and have boundaries ready to go into place if needed. Be the spouse only a fool would leave! This is another GREAT opportunity for you to shine. Bring your A game, SM! Hurry back and tell us all about it. Enjoy!
1) Take D on vacation, leave W at home. 2) Start moving forward with a physical seperation. Get your finances in order, figure out where you or her are going to live and work out a custody schedule.
I know this is not what you want, but denying the reality of your situation will not change it.
You do not want to sit where you are for another 6 months. Heck, you shouldn't put up with this for another day. You need to move forward with your life.
Your tagline says that you filed for D. What is going on with that?
One final thought. Do not take relationship advice from a married woman who is out on a date with another man and has been stuck in an empty, unfulfilling marriage for 10 years. Is that where you want to be in 10 years?
Wife never went to visit OM. Tomorrow will be three weeks.
She has spent literally 24 hours doing round the clock decorations. The xmas tree, the fireplace mantle, the front door entry way and even a massive intricate center piece for the formal dining room. Never seen so much effort from her in years.
On top of that, she designed a xmas card on the pc and typed up a geeting from 'our family'.
She insisted that we go out to lunch today. I usuall work saturdays but she convinced me I could be off one day before the xmas retail rush starts and I can't stay off work.
I then left for a few hours to run some errands and when I got back she said I had to come and read the message she wrote for the cards. Read it, it had things about how happy our family is, but pretty much centered around D3. No pics of us, just pics of D3.
Now I'm playing with D3 and she is on the laptop typing up addresses to mail the cards to. Bizarre effort on her part...
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
She sounds like she's in hyperactivity mode -- may be on the rocks with OM and wants to make sure her insurance policy (you) stays on the shelf waiting for her. If ever there was a time to apply some distance and go out and GAL it is now!
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
