Look what the cat dragged in! (TL) - Act 2

[tigerlily78]

Oh whoops. Old thread got locked. It was just at 75 posts the last time I looked, boy does the time fly.

Look what the cat dragged in! (TL)

Kate, I feel like what I wrote was for my son, but also in a way for my H. I do realize right now maybe he is not in a place to hear it... but I don't want this to be another one of those things where he gets to come along in a month or six months or years down the road ands say, "Oh, but I didn't KNOW there were problems so what could I have done about it?"



I just hate this sense that H has that because he doesn't see the problems yet that they aren't there. Son puts on the "I'm a tough kid, everything is fine" persona on to enjoy his limited time with H, and then I am the one fielding all the questions about what Dad is doing and explaining why there is no milk in the fridge even though we live around the corner from the grocery store. I don't feel like I should have to be that person. I am not the one who decided to make the circumstances what they are. But of course son does not want to disturb "fun time with Dad" by addressing any of this stuff with him.

[tigerlily78]

Ambi,

I will find you on facebook next time I hop on there.

Thank you for the reminder. "Does this bring us closer or farther apart?"

I know I just have to put her out of my mind. It just makes me so angry and sick sometimes to see the way he can rationalize treating son and I for this other person. That NOW he reads articles about relationship types and communication... that she gets the princess treatment every hour of the day she isn't at work. He wants so bad for it to work, and when you are willing to actually invest time and effort into something it probably will. Funny how that works.

[tigerlily78]

OW seems sufficiently screwed up and love avoidant that I don't think she will apply any pressure. I think thats even half the reason he likes spending time here and WOULDN'T want to have to move in with her. Living together probably would freak her out (and maybe him too), but they can be part time infatuated lovers indefinitely with ample time to miss each other in between.

[BrightFuture]

Tiger, did I miss something in your previous posts? How do you know your H wants the R with OW to work so badly? And why is he still home then? Infatuation cannot last indefinitely. Something has to give. Either she will start pressuring when he will stop paying her as much attention as now, or he will insist on her investing more into their R. My guess is that she likes this lover status and gets thrill from taking somebody else’s H attention. But it could not last forever. Just my opinion.

[Pudmuddle]

Tigerlil, here is what I was going to post on your other thread before it locked up. I had to copy it so I wouldn't lose it.

Tigerlil, I know you want things to be resolved, back to normal, fixed, and you have a need to say what you need to say. But you are only going to push him away further by the constant pushing.

I totally understand that your S needs a father, but your H cannot handle that role right now. As Ambi said, he is just not into that right now. He can only see what he wants. As much as you want him to step up, he can only do this when he wants to. My H was slacking on the fatherly duties for a while and I finally told him You need to be a father, not his best buddy. You are his role model. He didn't see that for a while but has since stepped up. There are still things he portrays to S I wish he didn't but I cannot control that.

They don't seem to understand any guilt trips we may put on them, they just cannot comprehend like normal people right now. Like kate said, try writing it here, giving it 48 hours and then see if you still want to send these things to him. More often than not, you will see it is futile right now.

Hang in there sweetie. Slap yourself with a big stick of patience!

[2Times2Many]

Hi Tiger,

Pud is right. Write it here first. Go back to the basics. You want to be the one he doesn't want to lose. And, you are! If that wasn't so, he would be living with OW full time.

I know we sometimes feel like "home base," but we need to find a way to use that to our advantage. They can't let go of the rope and there is a reason for that ... the grass is not greener. There is a connection that they don't want to break. They just have to figure that out for themselves. But, we can help them along by being that amazing, incredible woman who loves them enough to let them do exactly that.

I know you ache for your S, but you will have to do the work of two for the time being. Fill his (son's) life with as much happiness as you can.

Please, dig down inside and find the patience. I know it's tough ... I have a hard time with that myself .. but dig. It's there!

Put a smile on your face and be the person that you know are ... resilient, strong and capable of weathering any storm.

Hang in there. You know you can.

[tigerlily78]

Tiger, did I miss something in your previous posts? How do you know your H wants the R with OW to work so badly? And why is he still home then? Infatuation cannot last indefinitely. Something has to give.

I guess I haven't posted anything that would support it, but he IS reading articles about relationships and strategies for building intimacy and all this other crap. It's like WHY NOW? It never crossed his mind to worry about any of this stuff until he found himself an OW with a challenging emotional profile. And I know he wants it to work so badly because he has basically said it through various forms of "she's my one true chance for happiness." And "If I broke up with her, then I probably wouldn't WANT to be in a relationship with anyone for a long time, but I guess I would be in one with you." (Ringing endorsement there!)

He is still here I think for two reasons. He is a creature of habits and comforts. He has a room here that is JUST his to hang out and do the things he likes to do in, AND he just added a lock to the door with a real key so I can't even go in there if I wanted or needed to. :P

Second, he is so worried about making a misstep with OW in relation to her issues that he wants to give her space and no pressure as well... My H was with me for 16 years and never married me. He is not going to be the one pushing for pressure either. I can see him being quite happy to be eating out and shopping and skating and sleeping with her, and then retiring to his den here in the off hours and having home cooked meals for quite a long time. It's like the perfect set up except that he has to drive here every morning to get ready for work in his current silly routine (OW does own a shower, he uses it. Why he can't shower and dress there for work is something of a mystery too)

[tigerlily78]

I feel like the HOUSE is homebase. I am just the caretaker and cook. hrmph.

[tigerlily78]

Pud and 2times.

I know you guys are right. I need to be patient and I need to stop pushing. I think the current circumstances just make it SO hard. The control stuff makes me nuts and the lack of consideration.

Like what he is doing isn't bad enough without treating me like I don't even deserve to have $20 in cash in my wallet. Apparently I made no measurable contribution to our household for 16 years. It's so rude and insulting. And then to think how all this may effect our son for the rest of his life just makes me so angry.

[tigerlily78]

I basically avoided him all day today when he came home. We had minimal communication via msg to let him know I needed to go to the store today to at least get a few critical things, would do a real shopping trip tomorrow and that I would need to pay for son's counseling appointment tomorrow.

So he did at least give me the keys and the debit card today with requiring to preapprove the list, and tells me to take out the cash I need for son's appointment. I mention we might also need some cash to dry laundry over the weekend. He tells me to ONLY take out the money for the appointment. "Okay. Thanks."

But presumably he is going to have to give me the card again tomorrow to do the rest of the shopping... can't I just use the debit card at the therapy office too, like a normal person?

I snapped at him tonight because he waltzes downstairs all ready to leave when dinner was going to be done in another 10 minutes. He DID previously tell me he was eating here tonight... so that really annoys me. He wants to micromanage the grocery list, but then cause me to waste food making more than we needed tonight. So dumb. He also told me he didn't take the time to read my other messages yet. Oh joy.

I told him it's fine. The most important bit is that our son isn't an idiot. He has watched enough tv to get a sense that H's coming and going and not sleeping here is essentially a "separation" even if we aren't calling it that. That H shouldn't fool himself about whether son realizes the possible implications of whats going on right now. He does. We can pretend, but it's not fooling anyone.