not as scared or confused. . still hopeful (II)

[juliegayle]

So I let the sadness back in yesterday and now I feel like I am back at square 1.

I have had a few weeks of really solid LRT and following 37 rules. Because of increasing problem with addiction and active A I am not trying any other DR techniques. Although I feel a few 180s have happened naturally like doing for myself a lot of the little things I used to ask him to do. But H is increasingly hostile so it is hard.

I was already pretty down after play last night. This morning I was doing some paperwork and H walked past me several times without a good morning. The neighborhood stray cat gets more respect.

Then MIL called to discuss holuday plans and I lost it. She thought I was crying because I was stressed over money for all the extra child care. I didnt correct her.

When I came out H asked me what I was talking to her about. He said "you look like you have been crying what's wrong. I wanted to say "WTF do you think is wrong you ... you are tearing my family apart and making my kid cry..." what I did say was that since he has made it clear he doesn't care about me anymore he does not have the right to ask.

On top of that MIL told me H gave her an idea for my Xmas gift and it was exactly what I wanted. That mad me sad too...

So once I started crying I haven't been able to stop. I have been running to the bathroom to hide all day at work. I know I am doing things that are going to help me be stronger. I just want to get there now because I am so tired of being so sad all the time.