Reaching out for support and advice!!

[juliegayle]

BG most days I am right there with you. .why, how, what. Most days I come with a whole list of possibilities. Some may have some validity. Most are probably way off. All are really just to make myself feel better (An example of one of my favorites. .. H continues to get more and more hostile because he is starting to realize he screwed up. ... I am sure that is not remotely true but it makes me feel better for a second)

So that is most days still but on GOOD days I am able to say it is not for me to know why or how. It is his life. I only have to worry about my life. It is actually kind of liberating.

[bluesgal]

Wish me luck with our retrouvaille retreat this weekend. I have a feeling we're going to need it. H keeps making little negative comments here and there.

I've been ignoring and acting 'as if'.

Funny thing this week. I've been feeling a strange sense of distance from my H. Not that he is distancing from me, but I him. I feel a new level of detachment. I don't want to ride the roller coaster, but was still struggling a lot until this week. Maybe just a phase, but we'll see. Hopeful I'll give everyone an update and insiders view on Monday.

[3boymom]

Hi blues - I just caught up on your sitch. I hope that you have a good time at your retreat. At least your H is still willing to attend. Let me know how it is. I would love to attend one if my H was ever willing.

[melissag]

BG, I am impressed that your H still wants to go to Retro. I know it doesn't mean that everything is great or he is recommitting to the M, but I do think it means something. I hope that you both will get the most out of it, and it gets you on a better track.

Good luck!! (((BG))))

[bluesgal]

Well, Retrouvaille is a wonderful program if....people are ready to reconcile. My H said throughout the weekend, "We're just not there right now."

The weekend was intense and an interesting way to communicate with your spouse. I think almost every couple there (about 30) left with renewed hope for their relationships....except me.

We laughed, joked, spent time together, had a little intimacy, but the distance was always there. H did participate to an extent with all of the techniques of the program. He was a good sport. I thanked him for that. We went across the road from the hotel on Saturday night after an intense 12+ hour day to a restaurant/bar. H helped me across the icy parking lot by holding my arm. We ordered drinks, had fun, then it quickly came to a halt.

H started relationship talk. He had anger, sadness, crying, and fighting. I finally had to leave him there and go back to the hotel room. Not much was said about it on Sunday other than he was "overserved".

H keeps saying that I changed who he is and when he looks at me, he see's a different person. One that hurt him, and he doesn't think he can get past that. "I'm sorry, you're just a different person to me." Help!! What does this mean. Is this normal, or will he always see me as a hurtful wife?

He said it hurts him to see the changes in me now. Like when he mentioned that he needed those things before, he wasn't good enough to change for. He said he is "broken."

On the way home, we stopped at a couple of bars and had drinks together. He told me I was the love of his life and he would have done anything for me, but I broke him. He will always "care" about me.

The kids and I moved back home the next day as planned. This definitely has him stressed. Back to the intense anger. I asked him 1 question about his schedule for the kids this week, and he flew off the handle. Said I'm always "on him".

He has asked 3 times what will happen after Christmas. I think he's either planning on leaving or filing.

Feeling sad and hopeless. Restarting DB today as we had to do relationship talk over the weekend and I slipped up yesterday with pursuing and fighting over his shocking overreaction. I feel like a failure. I didn't meet his needs in our M. Now he's so unhappy and depressed. He actually has headaches that give him radiating arm pain when he's around me. He's stressed with just my presence!!

Where is my best friend and husband? He's so far away. I am open to ANY advice. Tough love, whatever it takes. I need help with this situation. Thanks!

[juliegayle]

Hi BG. I was thinking about you today as well. I am sorry to hear your developments. I am sure that folks who are better at this than me will chime in but here are my thoughts.

I don't know anything about retro but retreats are an artificial environment. But he went and you had some connections and R talk. It was probably too soon but the fact he was willing has to say something.

Now you are back in the real world and in the house. He is scared and confused as are you. This is the time to show him the changes you have made are real.
If he is acting angry all the time take care of you and the kids. Give him as much space as he needs.

You feel like a failure because you didn't meet his needs. There is probably some truth there and you have a starting point to work from. But it takes 2 for a couple to be successful and 2 to fail. Were all your needs needs met in the marriage. Now is not the time to bring up that convo but it is for you to think about.

[MrBond]

Backing up a little. I know you hung out on the DB website for awhile, but have you actually read the books?

Why do you still fight with him? When he starts arguing about the things he's going through, do you argue back or do you patiently listen? How do you handle the conflict with him?

[bluesgal]

MrB, I am really bad about this. Yes, I've read both books, but I do still engage in defending myself....which is engaging in the arguments. Not always, but almost always. Can you see a big 180 that's needed?

I usually start out validating, then things spiral from there. I know I need to walk away more often. It's so hard when he is rewriting history and making decisions that hurt our family. There are days when I just want to sock it to him!!

[MrBond]

"I usually start out validating, then things spiral from there. "

How? Do you start telling him he's "wrong"? You can't do that and validate him at the same time. You can't control how he chooses to feel, however when he does say something that isn't right factually (not what you think), just tell him that you don't seem remember it that way.

[bluesgal]

It will usually go something like this:

Call or text H something about kids that is necessary. He will be short with me. I'll ask something nice about him. We'll have very basic conversation. He'll throw in something like, "What's going to happen after the holidays?" (With our sitch) And I'll say, well, that's up to you. I didn't know there was significance to our situation after the holidays. This will cause him to get angry, say mean things, bring up the past, and hang up on me. Then, I'll often call him back and talk softly and slowly and say I didn't mean to upset him, what's wrong etc.

He blows up over the simplest of things that it leaves me reeling and wondering. I know I make a lot of mistakes during these exchanges. We used to be able to talk things through. I never know the right things to say or do. He has been so cruel at times and I can't help but think that it doesn't have to be this way