Afraid I have waited too long

[nit84]

I a have question, I haven't brought up the R discussion personally, both times we had a R talk it was brought up by the W. I am having some conflicting feelings about this. I am feeling like I need to initiate a heart to heart talk with my W no matter the consequences one way or the other, this limbo position is really working on me. Both times she brought the R up it was about her feelings and nothing I could do could help her feel better at that point so we should move forward with the D in her words. The last R talk was 7 weeks ago. There has been some good contact between us and some bad contact between us in the weeks that followed. No movement toward the D though. No Splitting of assets or separate accounts nothing.

I have continued IMC though this time and actually since the S began and I am feeling that all these sessions have helped me realize where we or at least I went wrong in the M and how to be a man that no woman could live without. The last time I asked her to attend an appt was during the first R talk back in Aug she declined. She then said maybe she needed to go to counseling when we had R talk in Oct. I encouraged it but she backed off fairly quickly so I didn't push it.

I just was reading a really deep thought provoking piece the other night and had a sort of an Epiphany while doing so. I think I now know why I couldn't ask my W to have a baby with me 3 years ago, Instead waiting till last May to finally do it. I believe this is a large part not all but a large part as to why we are S at this point.


I always wanted children but always found excuses to put it off. Then after 9 years it hit me that we needed to start a family I didn't know how to approach the W fearing her answer or reaction. I then started beating myself up mentally and regretting the fact that it took me this long to realize that nothing should have kept us from having children earlier. This was only due to my own stupidity. By hating myself for being so stubborn or stupid(your choice as to which)I feel it kept me from being straight-forward with the woman I wanted to be the mother of my children.

My question then is this- Do I include this as part of R talk that I bring up now? Or is it water under the bridge and I will have to live with it for the rest of my life and don't even worry about bringing up a R talk at the present time?

I am a better person and would be a better a husband if given the chance. I know this is her decision to make but I feel like doing nothing is not helping the situation. It is very hard to talk on the phone or by text to her, whether it is her initiating it or it is me making contact. I still hear the hurt and resentment in her voice. When I see her I look into her eyes and I see hurt but also I see a lot of questions. Like "why couldn't you tell me this sooner?" or " I don't want to believe you will keep up the changes because if I believe you and come back I might get hurt again?".

I think this part of the reason she does not want me to move back because when we are on the phone or texting she can be tough. When we are together she has to look at me and I am able to understand and empathize with her now unlike before and I think it bothers her that I have acquired this capability or just
realized I had this capability all along and didn't know how to use it. When I look into her eyes I now understand how much I have hurt her and more importantly what I need to do to make our M stronger than before.

I do not tell her what IMC has taught me instead with limited personal contact I am trying to show her. I just wish she wouldn't keep me at an arms length so much. Any help on the questions or any suggestions as to how to soften her heart some?