Wife Said She's Done

[OneDay]

Thanks,

Its hard to GAL because I am still living at home and have 2 boy 7 and 10 who I love hanging out with. I am now, and have always been a hands on Dad.
My thought is if do too much for myself that is only showing her I dont give "Blank" Im trying to balance kids and GAL

But, I am going out this Saturday night at around 7:30ish. (figured I could still help with the night time routines a bit) I had to get some new jeans, and a shirt because all my other stuff is way too big now.

[Positivespin]

SHE MUST DO ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING! As long as her money is going into that joint account as well- YOU start buying gifts too.....SHE can open up the separate account

You will feel as everything is going in fast forward and that all you want is for things to slow down- just a bit.

Its a combination anxiety and shock. Therefore, identify some goals YOU would like to accomplish in the next 30 days for yourself- please list them here

She will do her thing- and you will take this time to better yourself for YOURSELF.......at some point her head may clear and there you will be - a different, and much improved man.

soooooo. whats her rush???

AND stop avoiding the question. It was fun - I call B$! If you needed to do all that to make it through the day..then perhaps separation is the right thing.

But its not the problem- Ill get off the subject but you need to start there on your path.

[OneDay]

Im not trying to avoid the question. I honestly dont know why I felt the need to drink every night. I liked my wife, kids and being around them. I found and still find my wife extreeeeeeemly attractive and would try to initiate sex often, (which didnt usually work) I really dont have a solid reason.

I do know when it started getting out of control is when I lost my job. A well paying job with excellent benefits. Come to think about it that is when I started dipping again. (yes i quit once before) I never stopped drinking even though I found a new job.

[jp787]

Dipping, is that chewing tobacco?

I have an addiction to online porn, not drinking, but in the big picture we are both not wanting to deal with something uncomfortable in our life. I am still working on what my issues are, PM is right, you need to deal with your stuff now

[OneDay]

Im really feeling hopeless today. THIS IS SOOO HARD

Its strange being back home, but at the same time feels kinda good. Some days/moments almost feel normal, as if nothing ever happened. I dont initiate conversation, but she does quite a bit. Even Laughs a some of my jokes. Usually she brings up talk about the kids She even called me Babe the other day (more than likely by habit)

ITs weird that we are fully on the same page with out expectations, discipline, upbringing and spiritual well-being of our children. Since I've been home, I have noticed both the boys are getting away with murder with her. I have just been sitting back and not saying much, but they are literally walking all over her. When this use to happen I would get frustrated and Yell Strongly at the boys (in her defense) but she mentioned she did not like that at all. So I am trying to be more patient.

She finally lost it with my oldest boy and got on him pretty hard. After that I could tell she was upset and she immediately came to me for advise/affirmation. She mentioned how selfish/non-caring/disobedient the boys were becoming, especially the oldest She went on and on, and I fully listened, asked how that made her feel, What she thinks we should do about it, and what can I do to help. She suggested several things, which I agreed with and I mentioned a few suggestions, which she agreed.

She then said that "We Need to Stick Together On ThIs!" I wanted to say "I agree and we've always been on the same page about the kids BUT YOU WANT A DIVORCE REMEMBER, That Is Going To Put Us On Separate pages.

I am so confused, some days feel great and I want to reach over grab her and say, see we make a great team and were on the same page most of the time. Im your husband, your my wife and can do this together.

[melissag]

Scott, I don't think there is anyone on here that will disagree that this is HARD. My H lived with us for six weeks after BD, and they were six HARD weeks. But I think that it was really, really good that he was here, no matter how hard it was. I was able to DB almost perfectly (if I may pat myself on the back), and I think it made a big difference. My H noticed the changes, and thanked me for them. He said he even admired me for how I was handing things. And he said that the way things were during that time made him remember why he married me. (This was 4-5 weeks after BD, when he couldn't possibly get away from me fast enough, and hated even being around me.)

So think of this as a great opportunity. You can suck it up and make this an advantage for you. You do need to make sure that you get time to yourself, time to get out, to GAL, to let out your sadness/rage, whatever. I would go outside and just abuse my basketball (slamming it into the ground, whipping it against the hoop pole, etc.). I cried in the shower. I laid on the floor when the kids were at school and bawled. I ran and ran and ran. I kicked and punched things at Tae Kwon Do. And this all enabled me to get up, dust myself off, and act happy, calm and content when my H was around.

You can do it, too. Just remember the pain and the hard work are going to be worth it, no matter what happens.

Oh, also, I know how hard it is not to say things . . . there have been many times I just want to slap my H upside the head and tell him to quit this BS, put his ring back on, and get his ass home where he is supposed to be. But, we know better, don't we?

[SM34]

Scott, I just followed Melissa over to your thread and just read all of the posts since your first one. I thought I could help you a little because your situation seems very familiar to me =)

If you think back to before the big bomb, I'm sure you can will remember times when your wife was on edge. Times when maybe she was sighing very deeply for no reason. Maybe she was getting agitated easily. Perhaps you were asking her often "Hey, whats wrong with you?". The boys picked up on her negative vibes, and your oldest has already started to lose respect for her and that is why she cannot control him. Something has been brewing inside of her for a LONG time!

Now, dont be hard on yourself. Hindsight is 20/20. She has been unhappy, whether that is related to the things she told you, or whether it is due to her own unrealistic view on marriage, or childhood issues or whatever. It will not serve you to worry about this now.

What IS important now, is understanding the dynamic that is going on. By you being happy and acting is if everything is fine, you have helped her to RELEASE her anxiety. She no longer feels trapped because you are now here ally, and that is where you need to stay.

Ever seen a dog in a cage? They bark so loud, and they bash on the cage. What happens when you open the door? They run out of the cage and do laps and a happy dance, only to go either back into the cage, or go sit quietly next to it. That is what is happening now with your wife. You opened the cage and said "Hey you want out? Here you go...". She is in the process of running out of the cage, doing a happy dance, and jumping for joy.

I'd say by your positive interactions that she is now in the returning to sit in the cage or somewhere near by it at this point. Fleeing is no longer the may objective now.

Your interactions will continue to be more and more positive and leave you wondering why you need to get divorced. Now from my experience with my wife, who went through these stages, your wife will be wondering the same too. Friends of my wife have told me that she told them "It is so bizarre. We get along so well now. We have so much fun".

Now, what I believe happens at some point is the WAS starts to feel safe with you again. And the question will start to pop up in their mind too. Why do I want a divorce again? Especially if you are improving yourself.

What is actually happening is that the WAS is realizing that the negative interactions, the pent up frustrations and all the emotions they were having leading up to the bomb, does not need to be what happens going forward. I think they realize a lot of their frustrations were self inflicted. I mean we LBS may not be perfect, but some people are better at dealing and controlling their negative emotions before they get out of hand and require a divorce, than others.

Whether this eventually leads to them reconsidering, or leads to them feeling that their new found happiness is a result of not having to rely on you to make them happy is dependent on the individual. But in any case, you can maximize the chance of a more positive relationship by helping them release the pent up frustration as quickly as possible.

You do this by giving them NOTHING to fight. You cannot fight someone who doesnt want a fight. And eventually the frustration will fizzle.

There is one thing though, that can complicate this scenario tremendously. This is when there is someone else, another man, who is moving in on your wife. This does not have to be an affair yet, but someone who is perhaps getting a tad too friendly. That is when the WAS gets confused and loses their bearing on the reality of the situation, and starts to pursue some fantasy life, and that life will not involve you.

Chew on all of this for a while and I'll check back you with you soon. Ive been living with my wife who is in an active affair for a year now. It [censored], but I believe it is a good way to show the WAS that you are not the one they need to be running from, and breaking up their negativity that has been building up for some time now.

Take care of yourself. You will need to eat, sleep, and focus on the things in your life that are not in turmoil. Take care of your kids, and put them first in EVERYTHING you do. That includes saving your M.

[OneDay]

Well things really changed last night. I did the opposite of everything mentioned here. You see, she's not fighting, she's not mad, arguing etc. She is completely done in her heart.

You see we never had a Hard Talk about the reason for this Divorce and I never thought we were going to so, I initiated it! It started after an argument we had about me bringing the kids home late. Also Since I've been home she states I've been distant, sitting out back and no one knows where you are, taking off for walks, telling me your running out for a bit and not saying were. I said is this really that big of a deal? "WE ARE GETTING A DIVORCE REMEMBER"! and that started the whole conversation.

I told her I wasn't taking this well, I feel there is more your not telling me and she really opened up, and brought new things to the table. How I always told her I wasn't going to change and she needed to deal with it. I told her I dont have a problem, you do, and you need to get help. I would tell her all the time that she just has to get over it and deal with it. She did tell me several times that if things don't change and we don't get help that this relationship is going to end bad. And I of course replied with one of the selfish responses above.

Now that I heard it, I realize I said all those thing, all the time, for a long time. And this has hardened her heart and put her where she is now.

She said to me that awhile ago she started putting the focus on the kids in put me on the back burner (she said you never really noticed) She said she did this in hopes of avoiding a Divorce. She would ask her self if she can hold out until the kids are in high school, off to college etc, but finally realized she couldn't.

Honestly all of the above went on for YEARS and started getting really worse the last 2-3 years. I was a fool and did not put my focus where I should have. I am now completely hopeless for this relationship.

[Positivespin]

Well,
You wanted "the talk" and you got it.
This stuff is tough and not quick at all and you are in "Fix it mode" - That wont work.

So why now? is there the possibility of someone else?

Either way- There is no quick fix. Use this time to focus on you- create some personal goals to work on. You will need to do this so that you can see some progress being made during the long negative period ahead.

TRUST ME- You have three possible outcomes
1. you work on yourself to such a point that ,in time, your wife notices LASTING change and you form a much better marriage

2. You work on yourself and the marriage is still dissolved but you are in a much better place mentally and physically then during your marriage that your children will benefit and you will be far more attractive for future relationships.

3. you get bitter, angry and nasty and find yourself in a financial and emotional mess that will take a very long time to recover from.

PLEASE REMEMBER- ITS NOT ABOUT RIGHT NOW- ITS ABOUT THE FUTURE FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN!

Take care of yourself and stay strong

[OneDay]

No the possibility of someone else is not even a thought nor was it ever.

So why Now?
Because as soon as I said Im moving back, she was pissed and immediately filled for divorce. Because Im being severed the divorce papers any day now, because it feels like this is all moving so quickly and spiraling out of control, because I do not want my kids to have another dad someday that doesn't give a rip about them. because when I detached she takes it as I dont give a (blank) about her or the kids, Im my usual selfish self... etc etc I can keep going and going.

Arghgghghglghghghgh.

I just messed this up big time didn't I