SM34's Post

[SM34]

Dingo and Adinva thank you very much for your input.

Dingo, that is interesting that your wife was participating in intimacy etc and still wanting a divorce. In my case, my wife is the type that can only be intimate with one person and so we've not been intimate this whole time since BD. I believe if she was to allow herself to ML to me, it would be a big turn around. One of our main issues was actually SSM with her being hyper sexual the last few months before BD. She has low self esteem and was gauging her desirability by how much sex I wanted, and unfortunately my stress level with my business and our difficult D3 made me reject her too often.

Adinva, what do you suggest? I think you missed the part where I said she has a job now. She actually got a good job working from home for $20 a hour! She has gotten paid a few small checks but the big ones are setup for once a month starting from Dec 14th.

So, although the exact source of the dollars that are in her gas tank right now are mine, there is a lot of money waiting to be deposited into our account once a month from now on.

She has volunteered to put the money in our joint account even though I suggest she have it deposited into her old personal account from before we got married.

She wants to pay the entire mortgage for our house, and the majority of the bills. I think this is good because some of my readings over the last few months suggest that part of the issue we had was that she didnt have any "skin in the game" as far as our family. Her investment is low and so its easier to walk away than it is for me. This new income being put into our bills will hopefully play into that.

Also, she said once "I'm going to be making all this money for the first time in my life and I wont have any to spend on anything I want because of bills". I just smiled and then she said "Yeah Yeah, I know, welcome to YOUR world". I had told her many times when she complained about lack of disposable income that at least she gets to do her hair, nails, buy makeup, go have lunch with friends while I'm at work, has a nicer car than me etc.. I have always made sacrifices.

The open marriage thing is tough. I'm not sure its a marriage anymore at this point, but I know what you are saying. My daughter starts her new school on Monday and its a county program for children who have learning delays. Hopefully they can help us get daughter to a position where she is manageable! Right now, it would drive someone insane to take care of her on your own. We pretty much take it in turns to keep her entertained so that works out in our "separation".

Speech therapist and social worker advised me NOT to do anything that would change D3 life too much right now. At least until she settles into the new program, although they recommended not until she is caught up with Pre K requirements that she needs to meet by next August. Tough spot.

It is interesting to note, again, that its the women who are giving the toughest advice. Accuray and MrBond where investigating options for positive interactions with her, but the women always bring up the same points...SM I cant believe you are OK with this, SM when are you going to stand up for yourself, SM when are you going to put an end to this open marriage....

The truth is, I feel very cornered in my life. I need my wife's input with the bills right now if I want to provide a decent life for my daughter. I need my wifes help with D3 because she is somewhat out of control and has tantrums (Sensory Processing Disorder). Also, disrupting the life of D3 by having her go back and forth between two homes (not sure where Wife would go) would be detrimental to her emotional well being in her current state.

So what do I do, WITHIN MY CURRENT SETUP? I cannot, with a clear conscience, blow up my wifes life because of the above reasons.

And that is why I have chosen to be withdrawn and emotionally not available. It is the closest I can get to being physically separated in order to show W that she cant have me too. And it seems to work in that she starts to call and message and plan things for us to do. But then some folks (mostly the women) then advise me not to do anything with her, and I get the "SM I cannot believe...(insert pathetic behavior) LOL.

I Cannot believe it either! I cannot believe I am in this situation! I cannot believe MY wife wants to LEAVE ME!

But it is what it is, and I must deal with is as best I can.