At least with what IS there now, we have the chance to figure what middle we can meet at, get to test whose method, or some combined method, works better.
Just one disclaimer JF... ^^^ is only possible after the anger and control stage/cycles... W is past that (for the most part, at least now it APPEARS to be), and we are 2.25 years post BD#1....
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
That regardless of whether I was experiencing a live-in, or a movem out MLCer.
That I would hold my core values close to me, while allowing my WAS to experience her values for herself. Not trying to force what I think is wrong or right onto her, and not allowing what she is or isn't doing affect what I am trying to do. Not allowing her actions, to dictate my actions.
And that ultimately, the goal would be that we hold the best interest of the children in the forefront of our thoughts and actions. That NOTHING was more important than they were, and although we may have different views of that, we pause for long enough to determine what was truth, and what was ego, and if it was ego, then we could set that aside for long enough to do what was right....
And that also means that I respect the decisions that my WAS makes, whether or not I agree with them, or even like them. That it is MY choice on how I respond, or if I respond to them...
And like I said previously....
Showing it all. The good , bad, and ugly....
Yet handling it differently....
Okay, so maybe not "fun"....
You get the gist of it though...
Oh, and no naughty list for me, I get into enough trouble on my own : )
2.25 years post BD? Dang. I wish sometimes you guys would keep the timetables to yourselves. (JK) Still lots of anger and disillusionment in our house. I think W has been in replay with EA for about 8 months. Still hasn't fessed up to everything, i.e. when it all started and how deep its gone. Still hiding and such.
She started taking AD's about 5 years ago. Unfortunately, she thought the pills were going to change her outlook on life. DR upped her dosage back in the spring (no coincidence). Made the comment the other day during spew that she needs more because it definitely isn't working for her anymore. When she said my AD seems to be helping me cope, I calmly told her that it was a lot of things, not just the medicine and that no magic pill could change everything. Got massive spew after that statement.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
I can see from W's perspective why she would be mad at you and spew at you. In her mind, she thinks that since you appear to be doing so well with the ADs (hard proof), why can't she derive the same positive benefit as you? Also mad at hearing that truth-dart about being a lot more than just AD that causes those changes in you. It does not jibe with her version of "truth" so she's telling you that it is all for "Fking show.."
I calmly told her that it was a lot of things, not just the medicine and that no magic pill could change everything.
Stop that ^^^^^, right now, bud.
Unless you dig scars.
That ^^^ is what my W said way back when, was a reason...that I'm "Mr. F'n Know it All"...actually the f-bombs were much more pervasive than depicted here.
And, she was right... even though I have a degree in Psycho, post-grad work and counseling experience, she was ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!
There's a reason counselors and doctors don't "work" on their own family...
She wants to be her own person, figure out her stuff, ON HER OWN... She doesn't want your input, especially now...maybe later, but not now.
So, give her that space, that freedom, that love. I have teens and you know, you have to let them do that.
Let them approach you, if they want your advice, input, etc.
In my sitch, W was on effexor, and when SHE was ready, she asked for my thoughts AFTER I sensed an "open mind" space and dropped a 3rd party hint when she had told me about some stuff she was worried about regarding the AD...
If she wants your thoughts, she will come to you...otherwise let her figure this out on her own...that is the hallmark of "Aloof, yet Available".
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I am working so hard every day to be right and make all the right decisions. Thank you for reminding me that I am human and that I will make mistakes along the way. Thanks also for reminding me that no single stumble will sink me.
I understand why you feel you have to work so hard at this. I did too in the beginning.
Here's the thing: If you're working like crazy everyday to do whatever you think you should do, or what we tell you to do, you'll never make it. Same if you're struggling in pain.
You need to get yourself to a comfortable place and set the cruise control if you're going to have any hope of riding this out. Work on that. Relaxing and getting comfortable with "What Is". Just continue to be who you want to be and be confident about it.
Bottom line is that you'll be fine no matter what happens. You do know this, right?
I have to be honest with you though JF, and please don't take this the wrong way. You did make one big mistake... you should've tried the green beans.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I understand why you feel you have to work so hard at this. I did too in the beginning.
Here's the thing: If you're working like crazy everyday to do whatever you think you should do, or what we tell you to do, you'll never make it. Same if you're struggling in pain.
You need to get yourself to a comfortable place and set the cruise control if you're going to have any hope of riding this out. Work on that. Relaxing and getting comfortable with "What Is". Just continue to be who you want to be and be confident about it.
Bottom line is that you'll be fine no matter what happens. You do know this, right?
I have to be honest with you though JF, and please don't take this the wrong way. You did make one big mistake... you should've tried the green beans.
I was in a better place several weeks ago. Latest round of venom and spending an entire week around W with too much interaction has set me back a bit. Holiday shopping, blah Thanksgiving, days off work, rain so I cant run, etc. etc. etc.
BTW. I had the mac and cheese and it was fabulous.
Funny thing about supper last night. One of friends picked up the tab for my whole family. Just reminded me to pay it forward. I did today. Bought a gift card at the sandwich shop and left it at the register for the next several customers. Just told the cashier to use it til it ran out. Felt good.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Take what I say with a grain of salt as I have not read your entire sitch…but a couple of things in your more recent post stood out to me.
Quote:
She says its all a F-ing show.
Who give a F* what she says or feels? Do you?
Quote:
I have reassured her that I understand why she has reservations about believing me
“reassured her”? Really? So you have VALIDATED how/why she views you a certain way. Hmmm…how is that working out for you?
Quote:
I have also reassured her that in no way do I want to do all the housework, but it just needs to be done. I don't want to be perfect or a martyr (got that one too). I just don't want the house to fall apart and to be able to survive this mess by finding my true self in it all.
I appologize if I missed something in an earlier post….why do you keep feeling the need to “reassure her”. What is the purpose of YOUR WORDS?
Quote:
we have the chance to figure what middle we can meet at, get to test whose method, or some combined method, works better.
“we”…..hmmm…interesting word to use. “we”. Can I ask how you think this is going to work? I suspect, that W has HER agenda, which chances are is very different than yours.
Quote:
I calmly told her that it was a lot of things
“Told Her”….how is TELLING HER working out for ya?
JF – I suggest spending a lot less time….”assuring her”, “telling her”, “understanding her”, “reassure her”, trying to explain things to her, trying to get her to “see it”….and spend more time drinking a big glass of STFU and working on and being you.
Remember….although it may not “feel like it” right now….you really do have the power over how you deal going forward. As someone once told me....YOU control when it is OVER - ONLY YOU.
Finally,
Quote:
Latest round of venom and spending an entire week around W with too much interaction has set me back a bit. Holiday shopping, blah Thanksgiving, days off work, rain so I cant run, etc. etc. etc.
Why are you spending so much time with W? Are you trying to “show her things”…maybe subtle hints or actions that deep down inside you “hope she sees”. At the end of the day, I think Mach said it best but I will try to paraphrase….. “do you”…be YOU because YOU want to be…do things YOU want to do – not to secure a response from her.
Hey Mach – I’ll go back to my hole now
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
