It's been hard because of it being "show time", all the time. Never a break, W through most of this was a SAHM. She has started working, so I get my "home alone with the boys time" and just "be". I am a perfectionist, so I felt the pressure to be perfect, and as Mach said, it's not necessary. But I didn't figure that out for quite a while. Still figuring that out. And figuring out how to make how I am consistent, whether she is home, or at work.
Yea...
After around the 40th time I heard...
"Aren't you just perfect now" (volume intentionally turned down)
I figured that out, and that I probably should have a better answer than "Thank you for recognizing that"..
One other thing...in some ways, I have thought one of the "easier" aspects to her moving out would be no "joint decisions", I wouldn't have to "work around" her. I could get MY systems in place (I am a "systems" guy, she is umm..."free form", yeah, that's it, free form...).
But you know, as attractive as that sounds, and easier, the down sides would be that if she wanted to reconcile, then there would be a much larger adjustment to living together again I would think. And, it would be easier...easier doesn't mean better. Less challenge to be the best me, push myself through things and grow more. Know what I mean?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T2-You hit the nail on the head with the "front row seat" part. That's what is so challenging for me. Flaunting the behavior, the dress, her own changes, etc. I know that watching the show too closely will burn my retinas. When you are on the front row, its hard to see past the screen.
Your other statement about it being "show time" 24-7 is also getting to me. We don't have to be perfect all the time. I'm struggling with that. That's feeding my superiority problem and that's what W sees. She says its all a F-ing show. There are real fundamental changes to who I am. I just feel like I can't slip up or take a moment off with her constantly there. Very mentally and emotionally taxing.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Just make sure that you aren't watching too closely.
Consistent actions over time is what you are striving for. And those actions should be matching the new you....
Watching her too closely, will burn your retinas...
No doubt. I see that I am still watching and looking to see what she is doing. I can tell myself that is doesn't matter and I will be fine either way, but I'm not there yet.
The only reason that I asked, was that I want you to be careful that you don't let HER words and actions, define YOUR words and actions....
You are going to create friction, and there will be rug burns along the way....
And she WILL let you pour salt onto those wounds....
You have to be you, no matter what...
Your values, and your convictions...
And like I said before, all of this is pretty new to you too, so just spend way more time watching you, than you do her...
One other thing...in some ways, I have thought one of the "easier" aspects to her moving out would be no "joint decisions", I wouldn't have to "work around" her. I could get MY systems in place (I am a "systems" guy, she is umm..."free form", yeah, that's it, free form...).
I'm not sure that would be easier with the contrasting styles either....
That would prolly throw "co-parenting" out the window...
More like a parallel parenting...(which BTW SUUUUCCCKKKS)
You doing her thing, and you doing your thing...two houses, two sets of rules...
"Aren't you just perfect now" (volume intentionally turned down)
I figured that out, and that I probably should have a better answer than "Thank you for recognizing that"..
Which, BTW, was the wrong answer : )
Had to laugh at this one. I've gotten used to hearing "Have at it" and "It's a F-ing show."
"You wanna do all the laundry. Then have at it."
"You wanna pay all the bills. Then have at it."
"You wanna do what I've done by myself for 20 years. Then have at it."
"You wanna deal with the boys fighting. Then have at it."
"You going to church. It's all a F-ing show."
"Staying around to talk to other people. What a F-ing show."
"You being all happy and smiling all the time. It's all a F-ing show."
"Doing the laundry and the dishes and the bills and acting like it doesn't bother you. It's all a F-ing show."
What great interactions! During these moments I have reassured her that I understand why she has reservations about believing me. I have also reassured her that in no way do I want to do all the housework, but it just needs to be done. I don't want to be perfect or a martyr (got that one too). I just don't want the house to fall apart and to be able to survive this mess by finding my true self in it all.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
I'm not sure that would be easier with the contrasting styles either....
That would prolly throw "co-parenting" out the window...
More like a parallel parenting...(which BTW SUUUUCCCKKKS)
You doing her thing, and you doing your thing...two houses, two sets of rules...
Noooo...that is no fun for me...
Which is why I "sometimes" think it would be easier...until I think it ALL the way though...
At least with what IS there now, we have the chance to figure what middle we can meet at, get to test whose method, or some combined method, works better.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
