Love is a Choice

[JFun51]

Are you seeing them, or are you watching them ???

Just make sure that you aren't watching too closely.

Consistent actions over time is what you are striving for. And those actions should be matching the new you....


Watching her too closely, will burn your retinas...

No doubt. I see that I am still watching and looking to see what she is doing. I can tell myself that is doesn't matter and I will be fine either way, but I'm not there yet.

Did you wash your college room mate's drawers ??

Would you ??

If you don't wanna wash her drawers, then don't do it.

Have you always done the laundry ?

Or is this something that you have started doing since the bomb, because you felt guilty that you hadn't before the bomb ??

I've seriously considered just letting her clothes pile up while washing my clothes and the boys. I do not put hers or theirs away. I wash them, fold them, and leave them in their rooms. Amazingly, S12 and S10 put theirs up when I ask, but 39 years old W is content to leave hers piled up and laying around. She never refused to wash mine for 20 years. I have always helped with the laundry. I honestly thought that asking her to wash her own would come off as being a vindictive A-hole and create a major spew any way I tried to approach it. I have gracefully asked her for help and she has stepped in a couple of times.

I started washing clothes exclusively when she took a full 2 months off from life in general. When I needed something washed, I just did a load of laundry. That turned into the kids needing something and same deal.

So stop asking her then...

Stop expecting her to be the same person that she WAS...

Did YOU like the Green Beans ???

Got it. Still trying to act like she likes me. I didn't have the Green Beans, that's why I wanted to know. She had just asked me about my chicken pie and I was simply trying to reciprocate.

Expectations can kill YOU....

And not just the good ones...

Negative expectations can set your mood and interactions BEFORE you even have a chance to see things for what they really are....

If you go in expecting things to go bad, then 9 times out a 10....they will.

Be careful there...

Watching too closely will build those negative expectations...

I see this and feel this every day. I am getting better about not letting single actions of hers dictate how I feel. Just being around her so much during the Thanksgiving week created so much more face time. I am realizing that the holiday season is a testing time.

IF...you "as if" yourself into being the 'perfect' person , then that will come across to her that you view yourself superior to her.

You have to be fallible too, just with the ability to overcome those things quietly, and without fanfare on your part.

Right now, she is pissed that you have changed, and you have become the person that she always envisioned herself being with.

I am definitely seeing this. She has expressed this much. Glad that I'm "working on myself." "Don't want to hear about it." "Its a big F-ing show." This superiority thing is one of the weeds that I am digging at really hard. I know why its there and I'm working daily to kill it at its roots.

And she is right...you DO need to be the bad guy with the boys occasionally. You are the guy that gets to teach them how to treat a Woman. You will be the voice in their head when they decide how to treat their girlfriends down the road.

I have no problem being the disciplinarian with my boys. I deal with it every day as a teacher and coach. It is a part of my every day life. Tough love and guiding young men is my professional life. W has been such an in charge person for so long, that she has always handled most things. She's a type A personality that likes it all done her way. I have admitted to her that I have fed that part of her personality by standing back and letting her take charge.

So maybe try not watching her too closely...

Cause I can assure you, she has the capability to take you down with her...

Pretty sure you don't want that...


Any of this make sense ???

Lots of sense Mach. Detachment, detachment, detachment. Its the hardest and most important part of this entire process. I've known it sense the first time I read all the resources, but I'm still struggling. The fine line between detachment and abandonment is keeping me busy. Along with killing the weeds in my own garden of imperfection, this has been a tough road. You guys told me it wasn't for the faint of heart. I love the journey. I am working so hard every day to be right and make all the right decisions. Thank you for reminding me that I am human and that I will make mistakes along the way. Thanks also for reminding me that no single stumble will sink me.