Moving My Picnic Blanket Over Here

[Portia]

Busting

I can so relate to the feeling of suddenness when they scoot back in our lives.

The first conversation I had with Skippy after 8 months was teenage awkward. And like you, sometimes I want him to just go away. But then I can't help but wonder if he wi call again. For an opinionated person I sure like the fence.

Hugs !

[keep_going]

Busting -

I am so, so, sorry that you guys go through these cycles of your H coming and going.

I can see how devastating it must feel for the kids - almost like they are being abandoned yet again every single time their dad leaves...

I am not sure what would be a good way to help them cope better when the time to say goodbye comes, except for what you have been doing all along - giving them all your love and showing them you are their rock.

But I am no expert and I don't know if perhaps a family therapist could have something else to add to help make those transitions smoother for the kids.

You must feel so helpless when that happens - I admire you, dear friend for all the strength you show throughout.

You are an amazing, amazing woman and mother. Keep focusing on the positives, on what you have accomplished, on how far along you've come and don't worry about the D, or filing or not filing - if and when you are ready, you will know.

(((((((busting))))))

[willbwell]

busting
we do everyday what we need to do for our chidren.Thank goodness we have that tremendous love for them and can do it!
You are a great mom!!

[JuneReN]

I am sorry too, about the babies Busting, here is what I think.

It is time to make H coming and going the new normal for the kids. I know it's not ideal and I know it's not perfect, but what I do know is if you say that it is normal and okay,the kids will think it's so. Not right away, but eventually.

If you act like everyone else does this and it is fine, so will they.

Here is the thing. I will bet, unconsciously, the kids are getting your projected vibe about how much you hate the situation.

This is a weird analogy but it's the only one I can think of:

I've had dogs. I've also had passive/aggressive ones who had trouble walking on the lead. No matter how hard I tried to pretend that everything was cool and good when we passed other dogs, my PA ones always read that I was stressed out about what was coming, what could happen.

I think kids can read this too. So, my solution was to walk him more and more, exposing him to more and more dogs and I became comfortable and so did he. The walking on the lead was the new normal.

I am not saying your kids are dogs (sit! stay!) but mine can smell my anxiety a mile away.

So maybe it's time to make it the new normal. Of course they will miss their Dad when he goes back, but in time it will be a routine. I know it is not one you or the kids want, but it is what is here right now.

[LoisB]

Hi Busting,

I've been catching up. The whole kid/h visitation thing just stinks. Especially when we still have feelings for H and WE are trying desperately to detach and separate ourselves. It's like dieting. We are trying to stay away from the bad foods, but, then, inevitably, someone brings in a bag of chips or ice cream and KABOOM!!

I think it's a slippery slope to try and manage the anxiety when the H comes around--for your kids sake. I know they sense it and you don't want them impacted by your feelings. At the same time, I think it's unrealistic to try "get to a place of serenity" before you are ready. It's just plain hard.

My daughter has Asperger's and she is incredibly intune to my every feeling. For the first year that Smokey was gone, I pretended I was fine. She would ask, "Mom, what's the matter? Are you (fill in the blank--angry, sad, insane?)???

I would say, "I'm fine." I'd lie. She sensed I was upset and then began to question herself--"Maybe I'm crazy for thinking mom seems sad (or whatever).

I changed my approach. I started owning my feelings with her.

MOM: Yes, I'm feeling yucky right now. But, that's how I feel RIGHT NOW and feelings change. I feel weird (I always use weird because it's a kid-safe emotion that sorta encompasses a lot of feelings)when Dad comes around. I know you can tell. It's not going to feel weird forever. I will be ok. You will be ok.

Your dad loves you lots and wants to see you. I want that too. We will be ok. It's ok to feel whatever you are feeling.

Something like that...

You know, IMHO, there are so MANY feelings attached to seeing dad come home for EVERYONE. It's impossible to handle it perfectly. AND, that's part of the consequence of his actions. You can't make this all better for your kids. And, that stinks because that's our job as moms to make it all better. WE can't.

My M.O., WHEN he comes around... be there when he arrives. Make pleasantries and go to my room. I'm nearby, but not messing with his time.

No easy answer to this one.

Much love to you.

Heather

[bustingout]

This place is so full of love and support. Thank you ladies for being the wonderful women you are. Honored to be amongst you.

I have gotten into the habit of telling the kids how I feel at the moment. I try and be very honest. Very similar to what Heather described...is how I have been handling this situation with them. I encourage them to express their feelings as well and validate them and remind them to focus on the now and the blessings we have. I also tell them that daddy loves them.

We dont have family therapy here, I have been looking for something like a coach like we have, but for children. Someone S and D could speak to on the phone.

Like Heather said...no easy answer....

When H comes around I dont hover around him like I used to. I have found on his last trip he tends to come to my space more often. He spent more 'adult' time with me (mostly having a drink).

I feel more and more that I 'dont care' how I am around him. I am quite detached and I am friendly, upbeat...etc. Its not so much acting as if anymore, just how I am am. Also, I am more honest about things when I do speak with him. I might have taken it a step too far the other day on the phone.

Journal: After he left S9 commented that 'daddy stays 20 percent with us and 80 percent in (the other country)'

I asked S9 how he came up with those numbers and thought it weird for him to express it like that.

He said he over heard daddy tell someone that the LAST time he was here (in October).

So that meant S has been holding that in for over a month. I asked S9 how that made him feel and he said hurt and bad...I talked him through it.

I was upset by this. By the way H just said it like its no big deal in front of S9 having no clue how much S was hurt by it.

So I called H the next morning, very calm and friendly and told him what happened. He said he didnt realise how attentive S was (he IS 9 after all..but H left when he was 5...). He felt a little bad.

Conversation evolved into the kids and the move he wanted me to think about and I told him flat out I am not moving to where he is unless we were going to try and put this family back together.....oops on me. He was silent on that.

He said he wasnt forcing me to move but there is no future in the country we are in. I said I do see the validity of that point and I will make a decision when the time comes that is best for me and the kids and our happiness.

More oops on me.....I said I wouldn't know how to rebuild...i think trust would have to start to be rebuilt. He said I trust you. I said it didnt feel like it...not through his actions.

I said I have learned a lot over the past three years and I am not saying I have all the answers, I just know that there is another window to look through.

The conversation ended pleasantly and he called later to speak with the kids.

Blach...what was i thinking..i should have STFU. I am panicking between how to act with the niceness and fear of the niceness and a possible SLOW SLOW SLOW reconnection and not shut the door but not lose myself...etc.etc.

And then a part of me doesnt CARE how he responds. Am I sabatoging myself...?

We have spoken a few more times since then. Yesterday he called while me and kids were still at school and he asked to speak with the kids. He got confused with the time difference. Had a laugh about it. He said he would call later. He didnt.

Today I was telling him a funny story about D6..he actually LOL...that was rare. He said he couldnt call back yesterday because he had to go out for work with xyz...I didnt say anything, just noted in my head that he was telling me who he was with. He doesnt usually do that. He did it once before about a month ago.

It was literally a 2 minute convo. I said bye first and he said wait someone wants to say hi. And his best friend from university who lives in that country got on the phone.

I know this man too...also from our university days. H and I used to hang out with A LOT and spent several summers together.

I spoke with friend was very pleasant..he was like when are you coming out here?I lol and made nice and was actually very happy to speak with him.

Convo ended, H got back on phone and I said bye.

Thought it curious that he had his friend speak with me.

So there it is for today. Sorry for the long windedness of it.

March on.

[bustingout]

Don’t give up. If they are worth it, don't give up on them, and one day they won't give up on you.

You can do this.

Pulling this from Jack's post....I needed it.

[needgrace]

hi dear busting,
sorry i have not been around. i needed a break. thank you for your sweet note on my thread. i caught up on yours and you sound amazing..so strong busting… i hope that you are so proud of all your growth.. xoxo your picnic sister always

[JuneReN]

NG- nice to see you

Busting, sometimes a few truth darts don't hurt and this little situation has been stagnant a while.

I say it did no harm at all. You are stronger, more confident and more amazing everyday. If I were H, I'd be scared

[bustingout]

any it's sooo nice to see your posts on my thread again :-)

Ruby- thanks for the vote of confidence ... You know what it's like sometimes we are too close to see what is actually happening. I feel that now.

Lol I dot think h is afraid of me... I hope not at least!!!