on the edge pt 2

[dingo]

So just got home from the holiday party. Had a lot of fun with my co-workers and we laughed a lot. Some people asked why my W wasn't there and I just said she couldn't make it tonight. There were definitely some triggers - when we would tell stories about things that happened when she hung out with us or even just the occasional thought that she should have been there with me - but I hung tough and allowed myself to have fun.

I had to drive an out of town co-worker back to his hotel. He and I have a really good working relationship and friendship so I ended up confiding in him. He suggested that I see if I can go work out of his office for a few weeks/month to get out of my house, out of town and for just a change of scenery. I think it will do me wonders and am considering asking my boss if that's possible.

As we were leaving, it again felt weird that my W wasn't with me. I had the urge to call her but called my mom instead and blabbed some more to her. She's been great about all of this but definitely has taken the hard-line approach so I have to back her off pretty frequently. That approach does help me to get a little angry and along with the reminders about ways my W wasn't perfect in the M, definitely keep me from giving into the urges to call or drive by her house. Its funny how much we elevate our spouses when we are in this circumstance. Sometimes its good to have someone remind you about all the complaints you had when things were "better."

So I didn't call, didn't drive by but just went home. She had been at the house as some things were packed and a bunch of the lights were on. She is a pretty environmentally conscious person who never leaves the lights on so I thought that was a bit odd. I thought that perhaps someone else was with her or that perhaps she left the lights on to make sure I knew she was there. I then realized that putting energy into that was a complete waste of time, shut the lights out and sat down on the computer. I thought briefly about calling her to ask her why she stopped over (as we had agreed that she wouldn't come tonight) or why she left the lights on but decided that it didn't matter.

So I've made it through the first 24 hours with no contact. Small milestone, but a milestone nonetheless. When we first started dating and were so in love, we played a little game with each other where we would see who could last the longest without calling the other person. Of course back then, we couldn't wait to talk to each other so it would be something like 6-10 hours. This time, I am going to play that game cutthroat and for keeps.

Still struggling with trying to predict the outcome of all this. Sometimes I am convinced its over forever, sometimes I am convinced that she will come back. When I start doing this, I remind myself that the only 100% prediction is that I will be ok in the end.

[melissag]

Dingo, good for you for going out as planned, and having the best time you could. I know it's hard to get out and do things, but I think we always feel better when we do!

Great job with NC. You found excuses to contact her but you knew better and kept your resolve. Hopefully each day will get easier.

I think all LBSs struggle with the uncertainty of our sitches. It's one of those things you just need to keep repeating to yourself until you believe it. You have no control over what will happen with your W, so there is no point even thinking about it. Live each day, and control the only thing you can - you.

[dingo]

Another tough morning. Couldn't get out of bed and ended up being a few mins late for work. Some desire to call but it is pretty easily managed. I don't think I will lose my resolve in that. As much as I want to hear her voice, I know it will do no good.

She is supposed to come get some more things tonight and I think I will just not be here when she is. I know I cannot handle a face to face now, can't have a conversation without talking about things. I want to ask her soooo bad if she intends to proceed with the D or is willing to let things sit for a while.

We haven't discussed the financial arrangement of this situation yet either. I suppose that has to happen soon. Of course, I want to leave everything as is and just add the rent and her living expenses to our budget. I think this is just a way to hold on though and it might be best of we just took care of our own expenses moving forward. On the other hand, it does allow for some interaction in the future which could be a good or bad thing...

Struggling with suppressing thoughts of them together. Living together, engaged, married and with children. I feel like she has this all planned out, at least in her mind. I feel like I am in so much pain while she is just happy as a claim with her new arrangements and ability to see the OM completely freely. I miss her so much while she doesn't even have the slightest inkling of missing me.

Obviously I am still in a mindset of wanting this to get repaired immediately. I know that is completely unrealistic. She is 100% committed to what she is doing and I don't think our marriage even factors into her thoughts anymore.

As recently as wednesday, she said she was afraid to lose me but her actions say otherwise. She has told me she won't give up the om and that her feelings for him are stronger than her feelings for me. How do you turn that around? It almost seems like he has to mess up in order for her to come back to me. Is she really still conflicted/confused?

[labug]

The uncertainty is a killer, isn't it. But if we're really honest with ourselves, nothing is ever certain. You don't know what will happen in the future and if you can tell yourself that when those thoughts arise, it can be helpful.

Worry never changed anything. It's so easy to fall into rumination about the what ifs.

If you don't have a routine to your days, creating one can be helpful. I know I hated, HATED weekends cause I knew H was off work and we spent a lot of time together even if it was doing nothing.

To ease that I created routines or schedules, not carved in stone but things to fill my time. My job includes working weekends so I signed up for every other, that was a great help because I love what I do and work in a very nurturing environment. I went to movies, meet-ups, classes, rode my bike like a mad-woman. What things do you like to do?

This does get easier.

[labug]

her feelings for him are stronger than her feelings for me. How do you turn that around?

You don't. You can't. You can only continue to work on the things you know you need to work on and when she looks at you she will see a different man.

There are no guarantees.

The phrase Let go, let god, got me through a lot of wrestling with those thoughts.

It almost seems like he has to mess up in order for her to come back to me. Is she really still conflicted/confused?

This is mind-reading. You don't know what their R is like. But there is one thing that's pretty certain. There could be 100s of things that happen that would cause her to reconsider, but if she looks at you and sees sad, angry, depressed, it won't be attractive.

Create a new life, do interesting things you've always wanted to do. Sometimes you have to force yourself, that's OK.

[melissag]

Struggling with suppressing thoughts of them together. Living together, engaged, married and with children. I feel like she has this all planned out, at least in her mind. I feel like I am in so much pain while she is just happy as a claim with her new arrangements and ability to see the OM completely freely. I miss her so much while she doesn't even have the slightest inkling of missing me.

Don't do this to yourself. You are more than likely making things out to be much different than they actually are. I know it is hard to stop your brain from going there, but when you feel those thoughts pop up, remind yourself that you don't have any idea what she is thinking or what's going to happen, and that in any event, you have NO control over it. It takes a LOT of reminding . . . I am still working on it for sure.

I also found that I was putting my H on a pedestal and totally romanticizing him . . . kind of the opposite of how he thought about me and only the bad things. While I don't think it's necessary (or good) to focus on blaming my H, I did realize that I had gotten into a bad place where I started to internalize all the mean things H said to me. It was hitting my self esteem to be pining away over my perfect H while he is enjoying his freedom and blaming everything on me. So I actually sat down and wrote for a while . . . I wrote about how I felt in the M. How much I was hurt. The things he did and said that hurt me. Not so I can remove any of the blame from myself, or really to place any blame on him, but so that I can see that, although this *seems* one-sided right now, it really isn't. Yes, *he* is the one who left, and that is hard. But I am no less deserving of being loved than he is. And I have to understand that the one-sidedness of this isn't a reflection on who *I* am . . . it's the way that *he* chose to handle it.

I hope that makes sense . . . what I am saying is, Dingo, when you are able to take a deep breath and look at your situation more clearly, make sure you look at it honestly. DBing is hard, because while we take this time to work on ourselves, and focus on the changes we need to make, we can fall into the trap of believing that everything is our fault and the other person was perfect. But I'm willing to bet that is never the case. Don't let your brain get carried away with thinking that your W is perfect and you will die without her. Likewise, don't go the victim route - poor me, I am a wreck and she is happy. The last control you have left is over YOURSELF. Don't give it away.

[dingo]

Just got a call from my attorney. My wife's attorney contacted her and requested the settlement paperwork. Fighting like he'll right now to resist the urge to call and ask her what her intentions are......

[dingo]

Thanks for the support melissa. I have certainly been looking at myself with brutal honesty. I can come up with a lot of things I did wrong in the marriage. Most of these fall into two categories:

Being neglectful (video games and otherwise being self - absorbed earlier in the relationship).

Being selfish and controlling (there was a lot of tit for tat at times and I was not the best at listening).

Some other things I have identified as other possible failings. While I worked very hard at my job and planning our finances, I did not work all that hard around the house. I did the yard work that needed to get done and kept the place looking nice but she had to push to get things done at times and I wasn't very good with helping with vacuuming, cooking, dishes, etc.

I know she wasn't perfect either. I can identify plenty of ways she did things wrong. I have always been forthcoming with her about the self - discoveries I have made but she hasn't given anything back. I don't know if that means she hasn't done any or just that she hasn't shared.

[jp787]

I feel like I am in so much pain while she is just happy as a claim

She is not happy as a clam, she is going through a very difficult time also. A lot of WAS can appear to be calm and happy, inside they are not.

Obviously I am still in a mindset of wanting this to get repaired immediately. I know that is completely unrealistic.

It can be a very slow process

Dingo,
I think you are doing great! As LAbug said it will get easier. One thing to keep in mind is the more you go dark and the less contact you have with her, it will become easier for you, but when the contact does happen, emotionally it can set you back, fast and hard.

Try to not focus on her or the sitch, try to focus on other things. You doing great, this is not easy

[dingo]

Thanks JP. I do feel a little more confident that I can do this. I'd like some advice on something. My wife and I have still not agreed on whether she is pushing the D or we are separating. The last thing said on the subject was me stating that I would not tolerate an open marriage and as long as you continue that, you cannot come home and we will not see each other.

She will be at the house tonight and is expecting me to be there. We last talked about a couple of days with NC and then talking about things tonight. If we do a separation, she and I need to discuss and agree on the financial arrangements. I have been preparing myself all day for this meeting. I will be there when she arrives and then leave, dressed up to go out, within about 30 mins of her arrival. I have nowhere to go tonight- just heading to my mom's for dinner- but I want to make it look like I have plans. I will be cheery, happy and easy going.

Here are my questions:

Is it important that I know her intentions with the D paperwork or should I just let that dog lie? I feel like I need to know something but I feel like she could still very well be wavering and could still change her mind back and forth.

How about the financial situation? Is that all that important to discuss now or is it likely to just add more tension?

I know I do not need to restate my position on the OM. The best I am hoping for from her at this point is some time apart (she and I- j won't try to control who else she spends time with) for us both to get some space and figure out what we want.

Do I just let her bring up things she wants to talk about?

Do I not entertain any R discussions?