Last night was interesting and totally unexpected and I am not sure what to do. H called after dinner last night and we talked about logistics with the kids today. He sounded upbeat, nothing out of the ordinary. H chatted with D3 and then we said goodbye.
Fast forward to 2 am. D4 was in my bed and woke me up rolling around. I could not fall back to sleep. I was not really thinking about anything in particular or worrying. After an hour of laying in bed, I grabbed my phone and figured I would look online until I was tired again. One minute later, H called me. At first, I thought that I had accidentally called him, but realized that he was calling me. Since it was 3 am, I answered worried that something was wrong. I could immediately tell that he had been drinking. I asked the normal "are you ok" "where are you" questions. With his prior DUI, I wanted to make sure he was not driving. I figured out that he was in a cab. He said that he knew that he had to come over early in the morning to take the kids to school so wanted to know if I wanted him to just take the cab to my house (instead of where he is living). I told him that I thought it was a good idea for him to just head home to his house, get a few hours of sleep and then come in the morning having showered and with new clothes since we had teacher/parent conferences. He said ok, followed by silence. Then he says that he cares about me and wants to come over to be with me. He says that he knows it is against the rules but he was thinking about me. I was really surprised at how calm I was and just told him that while I care about him too I think that it would be best if he headed home. He clearly had given the cab driver my address because I could hear the gps giving directions to our house. He had to tell the cab driver he was now going to a different location. I told him goodnight and that I would see him in the morning.
Fifteen minutes later, H calls again. H talked for almost an hour, was rambling and kind of hard to understand at times. I tried to listen and validate his feelings. After a few minutes of rambling about caring about me and thinking about me all night and just wanting to hold me, H started sobbing. He said that he is a mess and lost. He said that Thursdays are his hardest days. He says that he is so lonely, that he has no friends and no one to talk to (which is crazy since my H is friends with everyone and has like 1000 friends on FB). He said that he called a random person to have dinner with him just so that he did not have to be alone. He said that he loves Wed/Fri/Sun because that is when he is with the kids and our family. He said that I am beautiful and perfect and that he does not deserve me. He said a few times that we are just so far apart. I tried really hard to validate his feelings. At one point he asked if he had been a good father in the past. I told him that he has always loved our kids, but for a while he was gone all the time and stopped being a great day. But I told him that recently he has been a fantastic dad. I told him that I am so proud of him. At this point, he really lost it. He was crying harder than I have ever heard. After a while, he asked if I thought he would be a good dad even if we got divorced. I told him "If you choose to be a good dad, you will be a good dad. If you choose to be a good husband, you will be a good husband. H, you have a choice in all of these things. It is not just about feelings. You can choose to be a great dad, a great friend, a great husband." He continued to cry even harder. He just kept saying that we are so far apart. He said that I hate him and that I should hate him because of the things that he did. H said that I am always going to hate him for it. I told H that I have never hated him. I did hate some of the decisions that he made, but I did not and tell don't hate him, nor will I ever. He kept apologizing for calling. At the end of the call, he was saying that he was a mess and lost and had no idea what he was doing, but he was so alone. He said that he cared about me and wanted to ask me out to the movies and just hold me (he mentioned his over and over). I told him that I want those things too, but I cant go there if he is still with the OW. I cant always wonder if I was the second phone call of the night. He just cried and said that I was not the second phone call. Eventually he said that he would be alright and put on a brave face tomorrow and pretend that everything is ok. I picked H up this morning for the conference and he apologized again. I told him that he does not need to apologize or have things be awkward.
What the heck do I do? This was totally out of left field and something that I was not prepared for. I think that I did a pretty good job of handling it. As much as I would have loved to have H come over and be with me (I am pretty sure it would have lead to ML, which I then fantasized about the rest of the night), but I know that it would have set me back if he went distant again today. I guess that it taught me that the fantasy that H is living really is not that great after all. H really is lost and sad and a mess. It breaks my heart because I know that he is focusing on the wrong things. H thought that being free and alone would solve the sadness and make him happy. H clearly is not happy. There is something else going on with H. How can he not see that being separated and getting a divorce is not the answer? How can he not see that drinking will not take away his sadness?
