on the edge pt 2

[melissag]

Struggling with suppressing thoughts of them together. Living together, engaged, married and with children. I feel like she has this all planned out, at least in her mind. I feel like I am in so much pain while she is just happy as a claim with her new arrangements and ability to see the OM completely freely. I miss her so much while she doesn't even have the slightest inkling of missing me.

Don't do this to yourself. You are more than likely making things out to be much different than they actually are. I know it is hard to stop your brain from going there, but when you feel those thoughts pop up, remind yourself that you don't have any idea what she is thinking or what's going to happen, and that in any event, you have NO control over it. It takes a LOT of reminding . . . I am still working on it for sure.

I also found that I was putting my H on a pedestal and totally romanticizing him . . . kind of the opposite of how he thought about me and only the bad things. While I don't think it's necessary (or good) to focus on blaming my H, I did realize that I had gotten into a bad place where I started to internalize all the mean things H said to me. It was hitting my self esteem to be pining away over my perfect H while he is enjoying his freedom and blaming everything on me. So I actually sat down and wrote for a while . . . I wrote about how I felt in the M. How much I was hurt. The things he did and said that hurt me. Not so I can remove any of the blame from myself, or really to place any blame on him, but so that I can see that, although this *seems* one-sided right now, it really isn't. Yes, *he* is the one who left, and that is hard. But I am no less deserving of being loved than he is. And I have to understand that the one-sidedness of this isn't a reflection on who *I* am . . . it's the way that *he* chose to handle it.

I hope that makes sense . . . what I am saying is, Dingo, when you are able to take a deep breath and look at your situation more clearly, make sure you look at it honestly. DBing is hard, because while we take this time to work on ourselves, and focus on the changes we need to make, we can fall into the trap of believing that everything is our fault and the other person was perfect. But I'm willing to bet that is never the case. Don't let your brain get carried away with thinking that your W is perfect and you will die without her. Likewise, don't go the victim route - poor me, I am a wreck and she is happy. The last control you have left is over YOURSELF. Don't give it away.