How do you see it as unique? Or different? I've done both, but I'm curious what you think about it?
AJ
I think that having to see her actions in my face every day is tough. There are some days I think I could work on me a lot better if it were just me and the boys. Giving her space us more difficult because, as FY stated, we still run the house and the family stuff together.
Are you seeing them, or are you watching them ???
Just make sure that you aren't watching too closely.
Consistent actions over time is what you are striving for. And those actions should be matching the new you....
Watching her too closely, will burn your retinas...
Treat her like she is a room mate. Someone renting a room from you. How would you do that ?
You can be friendly, yet live for yourself. Be available if she needs, yet be unavailable...
Did you wash your college room mate's drawers ??
Would you ??
Maybe start a calender with the daily activities ???
Originally Posted By: JFun51
Example: Went to S12 bball game tonight and sat with W for most of the game. She was texting away at one point to OM (confirmed, not assumed) and was so engrossed that she missed S12 in the game for almost 2 minutes of game time. Completely oblivious. Continued after the game when we went to eat with group of friends. I'm talking and listening to a friend across the table and W is completely detached from the entire table of convo because she has her cell in her lap wearing it out. I wasn't the only one to notice. She had to be called mtiple times to attention in conversation. I asked her 3 times how the green beans were and she hasn't heard me yet.
So stop asking her then...
Stop expecting her to be the same person that she WAS...
Did YOU like the Green Beans ???
Originally Posted By: JFun51
I have to see how she dresses for others every day. I have to wash the sexy undies that she would refuse to wear for years.
I have to walk around my own house with a ticking time bomb that could go off for no apparent reason at any given time.
Again....stop if you don't want to do those things...
If you don't want see how she dresses ? Then start a different schedule , shake up your routine a bit...
If you don't wanna wash her drawers, then don't do it.
Have you always done the laundry ?
Or is this something that you have started doing since the bomb, because you felt guilty that you hadn't before the bomb ??
One interaction isn't going to make or break you..
Washing her skivvies will not snap her out of this...
So....
Just be YOU, and who you want to be.
Don't do those things with the expectation that she will change her mind if you do.
As you have read many times...
Expectations can kill YOU....
And not just the good ones...
Negative expectations can set your mood and interactions BEFORE you even have a chance to see things for what they really are....
If you go in expecting things to go bad, then 9 times out a 10....they will.
Be careful there...
Watching too closely will build those negative expectations...
Originally Posted By: JFun51
If we weren't under the same rough, I understand the challenges are different. I wouldn't be comfortable thinking about her sleeping anywhere else. I would worry about her safety constantly. I would have 2 boys that would be even more strained than they are now.
Is a live in harder ???
No
Would her moving out be harder ???
No
Neither is harder, or easier...
They are just different,, for varying reasons...
If she did move out, you would still feel the same way, and you would still do the same things to see for yourself what you are seeing every day now...
You would just be in one of the "free candy" vans, driving up and down her street, trying to catch a glimpse of her, and hoping that you don't see a strange car in her driveway. Blocking your phone number doing the 2am hang ups, and checking up on her. Driving by her work to see if she is there....
Having a live-in doesn't mean that you have to be perfect all of the time. It doesn't mean becoming a slave to their actions, or spews. It also doesn't mean that you are not allowed to live too..
You do not have to be perfect in every situation. You are human, and you will have good times, and bad times..
You are already handling the good times better....
The trick is to be able to handle those bad times in a different way. Handle the chaos with a different view than you have always had.
And your razor's edge ??
IF...you "as if" yourself into being the 'perfect' person , then that will come across to her that you view yourself superior to her.
You have to be fallible too, just with the ability to overcome those things quietly, and without fanfare on your part.
Right now, she is pissed that you have changed, and you have become the person that she always envisioned herself being with.
And it's not the same kind of pissed like you took the last cookie either.
All of her anger is going to have to come out eventually, before you have any chance of just being cordial in co-parenting...let alone having a relationship...
And she is right...you DO need to be the bad guy with the boys occasionally. You are the guy that gets to teach them how to treat a Woman. You will be the voice in their head when they decide how to treat their girlfriends down the road.
For whatever reason, your spouse has chosen to stay in the home. That CAN either be a good thing, or a bad thing....
YOU get to make that choice....
So maybe try not watching her too closely...
Cause I can assure you, she has the capability to take you down with her...
