Quarter Life Crisis?

[flgurl84]

Today is Friday and I am loving it!
I cannot wait til 4:30PM today, done with work and can enjoy my sanctuary my home.

Yesterday Boo was supposed to return "home", which in my head means back in our town from working in Tampa. But physically, what he considers home, I have no idea.

I panicked yesterday. The thought of just sitting in my home waiting for him to get there turned my stomach and made me very anxious.

I felt like the WAS! He has been telling me for days that today he would be home, and sounded excited about it, and I was no prepared. I couldn't even think of what I would say to him. I was plain scared LOL.

So I went to BFF's house. I had not heard from Boo all day, just a call on Wed night and some cute texts. But NC on thurs confirming anything at all. Which, although I thought was rude, I also put myself in his shoes and maybe they were going balls to the wall trying to finish the job.

So I went to my BFFs, and I got a call around 7PM from Boo, which went well. He sounded happy, not miserable at all. He said they were done framing but would be staying in Tampa and he had to be in town Fri morning for another job. He sounded really good and was sweet. I told him I was at BFF's and was blowing raspberries on chubby baby cheeks, which he laughed at, and sounded pleased that I was out and not waiting around for him pouting (like my old self).

So that was a positive. I have a DB coach session Saturday, so that's good.

I have big plans for my weekend, between chores, projects, visiting BFF again and my mom and MIL, and I need to go to CHURCH! I have skipped two Sundays and I need some spiritual guidance.

Something wonderful happened this morning. I was listening to the radio (which I have not turned on in 4 months, been listening to the same CDs over and over) and one of our songs came one. Heart of Gold by Neil Young. I didn't cry or feel sad or angry or upset at all! I actually felt happy when it came on, which was very surprising. It seems as though I can look back on our memories and not feel pain! I don't know if that's just today, but that's OK. One day at a time, and today I feel good.

I also had some revelations about things. I like me and I don't really care what Boo thinks of me.

I'm going to be honest. I have some "extracurricular" activities Boo doesn't like. I smoke marijuana. I have since I was 18. I wouldn't say I am a "pot head" I do not need to do it every day, I do not do it before work, and I only really do it during times of high stress (NOW lol) Boo doesn't do it and doesn't like it. Which isn't that bad. But literally everyone around us does it. MIL and FIL, my mom knows I do but doesn't herself, my BFF. And the people that don't do it, except that sometimes I like to and they don't judge me, atleast not to me face LOL. But Boo has this expectation of his wife. We have had many discussions about this. And when I say "but your mom does it." and he responds with, "well that's my mom, you are my wife". So evidently he does not want a wife that does that.

When my life is going "well" I do NOT do it every day. I do it on girls night with BFF, I may do it with MIL, but that only started this year due to my marriage issues, and if I am going to be alone for extended periods of time at my home I do it. I like it! I do not spend obnoxious amounts of money on it and it makes me feel jittery and I want to MOVE! Last summer it was kind of a joke, Boo was working a lot, and I was home a lone a lot and I would smoke and then turn on music and do chores. I'd eat lunch and by the time Boo was home I was sober, but he would laugh and say "what, you get high and clean the house all day?"

Now my use has gotten every day. I do not want it to be that way, but it eases my anxiety. You know my ritual of going out to my bunny cage with the dog? Yeah, that's what I'm doing! Then I come in and start my evening, straighten the house, start chores, turn on TV or radio, figure out dinner, walk the dog.

And you know what? I don't think I'm a bad person because I do that!! I'm not hurting anyone (except my H evidently. I hate this feeling of having to justify my actions to someone who isn't sure they want to be in my life anymore.

I would be willing to compromise. I do not want to do it all the time. I used to not do it every day!! And I want to go back to that. But a part of me feels, if I'm going to be alone anyways, what does it matter what I do.

I am torn over this. I really need to figure out this activity and do what I want to do, and either stop because I want to or don't stop because I don't want to, and not make my decision based on Boo. It goes back to the idea of changing for someone and then being resentful.

I really hope this wouldn't be our breaking point. It seems so silly, that everyone around me thinks I'm a good person and doesn't think, Oh Monica the pot head. It doesn't define me in their eyes. But it does in Boo's eyes. I don't think that makes him a bad person. We are just different. I dunno. I need to pray on this.

My lungs could probably use a break lol, I know it is not the healthiest thing, but man does it feel great to kick back with my little bowl and take a few hits and then go about my business. I dunno why I like it so much, I just do.

It doesn't seem to affect anything in my life except Boo. I am not going broke cuz of it, I am not high at work, and sometime I use it as a reward, like if I get a certain chore done, I smoke, relax for like 20 min and then get into something else.

I guess the biggest thing is that I don't hate me for doing it. I don't think I'm a bad person, and if anyone does think that, then that is there problem.

As you can see, I wrestle with this habit I have. Ugh. Dilemmas.