RealityTrip is back from her voyage into "Me" Land

[RealityTrip]

Well... I am sick. Blah. Nasty cold. So I try to keep that in mind when I am evaluating my emotions, anxiety level and fears. Funny how physical illness doesn't bring out the la-di-da, peace love, and happiness feelings. Nope! Instead we get a magnifying glass on our crazy.

I've been telling those closest to me about W's surgery next week. My sisters, Mom, BFF, other close friends that were close to both of us until W went on "Walkabout" (that's what W and I are calling the 9 month S that include 3 months she lived with AP... rather than say something happened or took place when you left me or I left you, we say, "Oh that's was while you were on Walkabout.")

But I digress, everyone I have told has given me the same response. It sounds like this:

"Now I don't want to upset you, but do you think maybe she came home so she could have this surgery?" (mind-reading, non-Dber's! lol!)

Not some of them. All of them asked the same thing. So is it possible? Sure. Am I the best location and person to get her through this? Absolutely. Is she capable of using me that way? FEAR. Is she? No. Surley not. But wait, I didn't think she'd have a 2.8year affair either.

I am trying to resolve this fear now. Sit with it. What's the worst that could happen? She will get a very much needed surgery, some IC (since she already started) and if the reconciliation is a ruse and she rides off with xAP again... I will know.

I will know that I was true to myself. I will know that I took a long hard look at myself and made some permanent changes for the betterment of my life. I will know that I was accountable to myself, my W, my marriage and I cleaned up my side of the street. I will know that I gave it everything I had, for better or worse, and I will have no regrets. No leftover what-if's.