SO nearly a week of little contact, a few friendly texts.. no opportunity to talk on his birthday.obviously avoiding me- have to say it hurt a bit - but not as much as it would have 2 weeks ago
then last night a totally normal conversation.. he sounded like pre BD chatted, answered and asked questions..
I have to keep my expectations low if less contact means better contact then that is good.
Still no indication of his Christmas plans I could be alone with the dog ! I have made an alternate plan.. also am planning a week away with a friend. Normally that is our winter holiday week but I am going to plan and go alone.. He wants space so i guess that is space and if I don'T ask him then he won't have to give a negative answer which still sems to make him unhappy stressed wahtever it makes him feel... no clue. I am not bitter it is just a fact or does it sound bitter will it sound bitter.. How do I do this so he doesnot feel pursued and guilty but not abandoned..
I have made an alternate plan.. also am planning a week away with a friend. Normally that is our winter holiday week but I am going to plan and go alone..
Yes!
Live your life as if he's not coming back. Be as happy as you can, do things for you, eat dessert first!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
This detaching is hard I am scared I will do it so well that he won't fit in mylife anymore..
I feel sorry for him.. he is working hard it sems to reject me..
I wonder should I work equally hard rejecting him
I keep reminding myself he is NOT me when he does things that hurt.. I know he becomes obsessed with work and forgets details so why does that feel so bad now..
I know the holidays have little meaning for him so why is it so stressful to not have an answer about Chrismas Day..maybe because we both know how important it is to me
I don't understand why he has not told his family??
It makes any conversations I have with his sister difficult..
Truth labug
I can pretend to be happy without him, I can function, earn a living, eat, exercise.. but I am not happy without him..I am not detached and not accepting and anything I do to make me happy reminds me that we used to share this
Now a I am beginning to overthink and overplan because my H is coming here next weekend
act as if ??? what??
Last time he was here which was a month ago I thought it was THE talk. My coach said don't open the R talk unless he starts it.. I know he hates confrontation so tried to project my PMA
I have already said on this thread
NO talk.. he was anxious but we were like neighbours visiting each other..
Now he has said last week that the next weekend.. We need to talk.
He said I acted as if nothing had happened????- he did not like that obviously
The advice is still no R talk ( coach) validate, take time for decisions..
What do you think
PMA, act as if ... he is a friend ...avoid confrontation.. let him start.
Any thoughts on how to handle this...
I like Melissas/PM idea of open heart,..open mind..see what comes..be calm, happy to see him, ready to listen but not in control and not managing the conversations give him time to talk..or think...
Right track???
Lou, I think you should definitely listen to your coach! Also, I see you are doing what most of us do . . . driving yourself crazy thinking about what to do. It's not helping. I know you are nervous about what H may or may not say, but you really don't know what's going to happen. So just review the 37 rules, listen and validate if he talks, and remember that you don't have to answer any questions or agree to any actions immediately. If you feel yourself starting to get overemotional, you can say "I need some time to think about this." If he is not nice, calmly excuse yourself from the conversation.
You are very focused on your H being upset that you are acting like nothing happened. That's not your problem, that's his problem. Is this his way of trying to get you to bring up R talk, because he is too afraid of confrontation? No way. If he wants to talk, make him do it. You just be calm, keep up your PMA, and follow those 37 rules.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
of course .. sorry to hijack your thread wasn't the plan was looking for your input!
Driving myself crazy.. but I do pull myself back faster these days.. can't control someone else mantra
also left his last text comment uncommented upon ( does that make sense) I always have something else to say. this time I read it and shut off the phone..small victory for me.
afraid of confrontationn... I bring up the topic.. all my fault.. you are brilliant..so I can be quiet when I need to.
so PMA and small talk
be open hearted..gentle, friendly..
Big breath a week to practice..
What is weird is that I have lived alone during the week for the last 6 months so him not being here is sad but sort of normal.. I have to consciously remind myself tthat things have changed. During the week.. I keep thinking he will telephone.. I keep thinking he will be looking forward to being here.. which is not the case so I need to remind myself of the reality so I am not surprised when he is less than happy to be here..
All his things are here, his shoes are on the step.. just not him...
Just read a thread where they were separated for 9 months before they worked on the R. Talk about patience.. I will need to lower my expectations again they keep creeping up.. I get hopeful.. then smack down they go..
Reading DR and acting as if.. I know I am overly obsessing over next weekend.. well all interactions actually. I am trying to DB as well as I can... I know he will be stressed and not happy to be here
How do you act as if....he is happy..I am working on maintaining a PMA and showing it.. Actually I will be happy to see him but his mood is hard to ignore. Is that how it works.. rather than reflecting his mood.. keep being positive? Is it naive to respond to his comment "you are acting like nothing has happened" with " no I am just happy you are here".
I want to use melissas attitude of an open heart and I am ready to listen but need to think this through a bit so I do not fall into our old patterns of interactions I.e. me telling him what he is feeling and should be feeling or arguing that what he is feeling is not right ( ouch.. yes I have been known to do that)
patience .. work on me, can't control another person...listen low expectations...
How do you act as if....he is happy..I am working on maintaining a PMA and showing it.. Actually I will be happy to see him but his mood is hard to ignore. Is that how it works.. rather than reflecting his mood.. keep being positive?
Yes. He is happy, you are happy. He is sad, you are happy. He is mad, you are happy. (OK, not like, over the top happy, but just stay on even keel and don't let him dictate your mood.)
Quote:
I want to use melissas attitude of an open heart and I am ready to listen but need to think this through a bit so I do not fall into our old patterns of interactions I.e. me telling him what he is feeling and should be feeling or arguing that what he is feeling is not right ( ouch.. yes I have been known to do that)
This is easy. Drink a large can of STFU.
Don't overthink this, Lou. Just read the 37 rules before you interact with him, remind yourself of your goals and 180s, and make sure that in any interaction with him, anything you say and do is consistent with those three things.
Open heart and mind, to me, means that you don't go into it with any kind of expectation or preconceived notion of what is going to happen. You don't go in with fists raised, ready to be hurt and battle back. You trust yourself to handle whatever comes up. When in doubt, you know you can always STFU! It comes in handy sometimes.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
One other thing, Lou. I think that we tend to think of interactions like this as huge turning points in our sitch . . . and in retrospect it may well end up being just a mini chapter in the much longer story. So try to put this in perspective. Whatever happens, it is still up to you whether it is over.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I remember your comment about life before this and the things we thought about each day.. we will get back there one day.. and never take it for granted.EVER..
thanks I wish someone had told me to STFU years ago...
