Hoping for Reconciliation after being Separated...

[chasingpavements]

Ok so I had a bad week... no biggie I am going to keep BUSTIN on!

For some reason this song just popped into my head, lol

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

[chasingpavements]

180s

-no nagging/reminders/checking up on him to see if he is ready/organized about things
-positive mindset, putting a stop to the negative thought patterns
-keep things light
-no pressuring/requesting status updates, etc.
-tell him when something is bothering me, bring it up nicely at a good time and tell him how I feel and why something is important to me!
-let him have some free time rather than expecting him to be around/help all the time, give him some space
-make the most of our time together, have fun!!
-try some new, exciting things together
-do some of his LL 'Acts of Service', let him have rest if needed, fold his laundry, bring coffee, buy him an unexpected treat once in a while
-try not to overanalyze things and our situation!!!!!
-be grateful for what I have and try not to rush things

[Ambivalent]

Have you looked into the Gottman Method? Google it, and also Youtube has clips from them...they are the guru's of marriage science.

They work in the present, and are solution oriented. When looking for marriage counselors see if they are familiar with this method, and if they have been certified.

Also , don't be afraid to interview the counselor. Are you married? If so how long have they been married. Are they pro marriage? Were your parents divorced or did they stay in their marriage? Do you treat the marriage as the patient?

Any and all of the above questions will tell you much about whom your about to trust with your marriage.

I wish I were in your shoes presently, reconciling, but I know 7 months is still in the beginning of this crappy ride.

One day at a time, one moment in time

<3's

[chasingpavements]

Hi Ambivalent, I am starting to read the 7 Principles of Marriage. It has been very helpful, particularly for me to recognize our arguing patterns that are destructive. My IC often mentions the Gottmans. She is attachment theory however.

Right now we are not doing MC together, we are each only doing IC. H has found an IC that he really enjoys and he seems to be really benefiting from going. He told me he doesn't want to do both IC and MC at the same time, it would be too much for him, so basically I am waiting for him to say he is ready to go.

I do worry that we need to start on MC soon to start addressing our issues together.

We have avoided a few of our main issues, such as my insecurity/jealousy and his constant shutting down/invalidating my ideas. He has done some things in the past, and I am talking about 10 years ago that I have felt were inappropriate and he has never apologized/acknowledged that I have been hurt by his actions. Mostly our problem is that we have different ideas of what is acceptable for interactions between men and women than he does. Still, whenever a social situation comes up I worry and get triggers about what has happened in the past, and I never really feel secure.

I would like to find a good counselor that is solution based for our counseling. We had a REALLY bad experience before and we are both nervous now, after that. I would say our previous counselor greatly contributed to the demise of our relationship.

[labug]

Any C can be "bad" just as any can be "good." In the field of MC with the 1000s of variables it's pretty much a crapshoot.

Ask around if you haven't already. Friends and coworkers are often the best referral sources. I found my IC through a friend and will be forever grateful.

You can always tell the C what you're looking for and what you don't want. I think there's a board here that addresses that, have you seen it?

It's hard finding just the right fit, hope you can.

[Ambivalent]

The Gottman's are THE people in MC. Attachment theory is good too! The main thing with their method is that the marriage is what is treated. You aren't dwelling on the past, but learning skills to move forward, bond, make memories, and working a bit on communicating.

I really urge you to check their site out, and see them in action on youtube!

[chasingpavements]

Thanks Ambivalend and labug! For sure it will be crucial for us to find a good counselor this time, I feel it may make or break us so I am quite nervous about it. Ambiv.. I like your idea of finding a Gottman/type therapist. I have a few of their books that I would like to really get into reading and for sure check out the youtube videos.

I like my counselor now but I wish it were a bit more solution-oriented like my DB coach In fact, I was considering doing a few MC sessions with my H and the DB coach.. is there anyone that has tried that? It would be quite costly so we would only likely do a few sessions. I just really like and trust my coach.

H has mentioned moving in before Christmas. Today I asked him if he thought things were going well for us and he told me yes, and I could feel he really meant it. Things seem different and good between us. I told him I feel kind of strange the way things are, that I was wondering if he would be moving in. (I had told myself a million times NOT to ask him that, to let HIM initiate the conversation, but somehow I blurted it our anyhow ) This seems to be my track record.. Adding new 180 to my list.. STFU! He told we could talk later during the week. Now I am regretting having said that to him, but hopefully I will have some positive news.

[Ambivalent]

Chasing, Please be very careful. You registered just two weeks after my BD. If this was mid life crisis for him this seems very fast! I had a warning a year before mine moved out so this puts me , one year and 7 months into my H's MLC.

I know I would rather my husband and I date, while doing counseling before moving back into the home. Once in the home, there is no space. I know it is SO tempting, but remember you want this to stick. Are you in a place where if he moved out again, you would be okay?

<3<3<3's

[chasingpavements]

Just trying to figure out my own timeline here, so I figure a lot of it started in early 2012 with the crazy working out, P90X, losing tonnes of weight, etc. 2012 was a bad year for us with lots of resentment building between us and me feeling something was wrong but not being able to place what it was. Then, of course, BD in Feb. 2013.

Crazy to think of how many changes H and I have underwent over the past 10 months.. from the "I don't love you", to going to counseling, then limbo for 3 months and not knowing whether we are going to work on things, and then separating, getting lawyers, and now wanting to work on things.

If he moved in again, and then decided to move back out again, I think that no, I would not be ok. I have all of these sad memories of him packing up his "getaway" bag to head to his brother's place, when we had our trial separation and when we actually separated. It hurts just thinking about it. I remember sitting on the back deck and him holding his bag saying, "I'm leaving now." and walking out. And me starting to bawl when he was gone. I never imagined my H would leave. I can see what you are saying, and thank you for looking out for me.

I definitely feel like now is our chance, to get things right, so we have to be smart how we go about this. I feel I would be sad if he wasn't here by Christmas, because we are a family and I want him around for the holidays. I know it's perhaps selfish and not realistic maybe. Perhaps a solution would be to have him stay overnight for a good chunk of the holidays, 4 or 5 days overnight, so I don't get that feeling of sadness. And of course I will have to see what he says, and I will wait for him to mention anything.

<3,
-cp

[Ambivalent]

That's not a bad idea. How many days has he stayed over in the past? What if you did Christmas Eve, Christmas and the day after? Then made a date for a couple of days later, and go from there? New Years?

When you guys dated prior to marriage, how often did you two spend time with each other? Were you two weekend daters, and talked during the week, or were you guys inseparable? Combination?