Hoping for Reconciliation after being Separated...

[chasingpavements]

Thanks Ambivalent for your great advice on my situation, you seem to really understand where I am coming from. It's so nice to hear from you. It's nice to have an outsider's perspective!

Hey Chasing,

I noticed it started the exact same way as the last time you tried to get him to do something...

In between you were given EXCELLENT guidance, yet it seems you didn't take it, why?

You know the one about...H. "W"ould you take the kids on this day and time and I'll have the house empty on this day and time?

You are right. I never did end up doing that. He has been helping me out a lot around the house with dinner and the kids activities, all while finishing up his school courses. He has been so sweet, helping so much, in fact more than he ever has. He told me he would gladly watch the kids if I wanted to have a girls weekend away, and I haven't taken him up on it.

He also told me today that he would take them on Sunday morning for a few hours so that I could do whatever I wanted to do. He brought it up on his own without me nagging. I feel like this is a big step for us, and I take it as a sign that he is reaching out to me. It seems very out of character for him. In fact come to think of it, he is doing so many things lately that are out of character. I think it is good that we are both bringing a new kind of attitude and perspective into our reconciliation.

So your point comes at a very good time! I had almost forgot that he wanted to spend some time in the house, as we have been so busy around here. I will come up with a plan to take the kids Christmas shopping and to the library so he can spend some time in the house alone.

Your argument immediately escalated because you had expectations that he would comply with what YOU wanted.

He reacted to your statement of taking on all the burden. He hears from you...I'm doing all the work...you are not working as hard as I am...

This is heard as you blaming him.

It then goes down hill into what is known as unfair fighting.

You have pinpointed a very good thing though! You know that bringing this up at night is not good.

We do tend to play the 'blame game' quite a bit, when we are fighting anyhow. Each one of us trying to win the argument and no one wins in the end. For sure arguing at night is awful for us. I like your coffeehouse idea. We aren't in MC yet, we are only doing IC. I feel that eventually we need to move on to MC to work out some of our ongoing issues. In a way I am afraid that we are going to mess things up by trying to handle things without a counselor. We do have the guidance of our IC though, so that's good!