on the edge pt 2

[dingo]

So just got home from the holiday party. Had a lot of fun with my co-workers and we laughed a lot. Some people asked why my W wasn't there and I just said she couldn't make it tonight. There were definitely some triggers - when we would tell stories about things that happened when she hung out with us or even just the occasional thought that she should have been there with me - but I hung tough and allowed myself to have fun.

I had to drive an out of town co-worker back to his hotel. He and I have a really good working relationship and friendship so I ended up confiding in him. He suggested that I see if I can go work out of his office for a few weeks/month to get out of my house, out of town and for just a change of scenery. I think it will do me wonders and am considering asking my boss if that's possible.

As we were leaving, it again felt weird that my W wasn't with me. I had the urge to call her but called my mom instead and blabbed some more to her. She's been great about all of this but definitely has taken the hard-line approach so I have to back her off pretty frequently. That approach does help me to get a little angry and along with the reminders about ways my W wasn't perfect in the M, definitely keep me from giving into the urges to call or drive by her house. Its funny how much we elevate our spouses when we are in this circumstance. Sometimes its good to have someone remind you about all the complaints you had when things were "better."

So I didn't call, didn't drive by but just went home. She had been at the house as some things were packed and a bunch of the lights were on. She is a pretty environmentally conscious person who never leaves the lights on so I thought that was a bit odd. I thought that perhaps someone else was with her or that perhaps she left the lights on to make sure I knew she was there. I then realized that putting energy into that was a complete waste of time, shut the lights out and sat down on the computer. I thought briefly about calling her to ask her why she stopped over (as we had agreed that she wouldn't come tonight) or why she left the lights on but decided that it didn't matter.

So I've made it through the first 24 hours with no contact. Small milestone, but a milestone nonetheless. When we first started dating and were so in love, we played a little game with each other where we would see who could last the longest without calling the other person. Of course back then, we couldn't wait to talk to each other so it would be something like 6-10 hours. This time, I am going to play that game cutthroat and for keeps.

Still struggling with trying to predict the outcome of all this. Sometimes I am convinced its over forever, sometimes I am convinced that she will come back. When I start doing this, I remind myself that the only 100% prediction is that I will be ok in the end.