Back....again.

[TrentC]

Do you find that manipulation? Am I being naive when I think he is right? And I should have stuck up for him?

Maybe in normal situations, yes. But you are miserable, and he is one of the primary causes of that. What are you supposed to do? Pretend he's not staying out all hours of the night? Pretend his radical mood swings aren't driving you up the wall?

It's not unusual at all for people to have trusted friends other than their spouses to discuss their relationship problems with. And I will bet real money that he doesn't "stick up" for you around his buddies. No, I'm sure they know exactly how awful of a person you are. (In your H's eyes, of course.)

I can tell him time and time again how much I love him and how much I want to be with him and he now says that doesn't matter because now I lie, and now he knows how I really feel by not standing up for him.

He's a hypocritical POS. He misled you by not telling you he had read those messages, and manipulated you into a situation where he knew you would lie. (I bet you forgot to mention that, huh?) That is not the act of a man who loves you.

And what he is doing now, by deflecting any complaints you may have by dangling this over your head? It's straight-up emotional abuse. If he really believes that he can't believe what you say ever again, then he needs to go because by definition you won't ever be able to convince him otherwise.

But he won't leave. Why should he? He's got you scared and miserable, and is trying to cut you off from any means of emotional support other than him. Abusers do not stop abusing; there is nothing you can say or do to make him treat you better, and few crumbs of tenderness or compassion he doles out are to keep hoping for something that will never happen.

And as long as you believe this about yourself:

I don't think I will be ok. I'm the weakest person you will ever meet. I just don't think I have the strength to get through this.

then you will be trapped in this hell for the rest of your life. Victims of abuse are not to blame for the abuse, but no one can save you except yourself.

Leave your husband alone. Let him come and go, don't get sucked into conversations where he tears you down. If he tries, leave—get in the car and go somewhere else.

You need to find someone to talk to, like a professional therapist. Do you go to church? Make an appointment with your pastor. You need to have someone who is not a family member that you can discuss this stuff with.

I will not answer your questions about what every word or gesture from him means any more, because they are all lies and manipulation. Until you start talking to a professional, I have nothing more to offer you.