Look what the cat dragged in! (TL)

[JuneReN]

Oh and by the way? I love my H and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I would literally do anything he asked if he loved me.

That being said, I am very prepared to go this on my own and cut him loose as this situation, as it is,is not going to continue on.

I need a job (next year) so I can support myself (H has no qualms about supporting me, but cut loose is cut loose) and then I see where things stand. Even now I am fully prepared for them to go either way. All I know is that I will come out of this stronger, happier and ready to love.

[tigerlily78]

Thank you Kate. I needed to hear that today. You are right that I am smart and funny and strong too, I need to own it. And yes, like you I do love my "H" and do want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I will have to read up on your old threads Kate and get a better handle on how you made your H's GF's disappear.

I need to stop being scared. I think fear drives some of my anger. If I can stop being afraid, I will be a lot less angry. Then I will just have the anger left over how this may shake out to effect our son. I don't think H really has given much thought to the longterm... is he passing on the legacy of flaky parenting, emotional detachment and lack of trust from his parents unto our son. That is one of those things that REALLY makes me angry aside from the current "control" games he wants to play.

I met with my friend for coffee tonight and it was SO nice. Her husband had his own MLC experience (no OW, more the run away in the middle of the night and no one knows if you are coming back for several days, he did eventually come back and get in therapy, but even him taking off for a week has left his kids with a lasting anxieties.) so she has a lot of insight. She also has way more local connections than I have, she gave me a few leads on other possible jobs and ventures. She is a fantastic brain stormer/ problem solver type and it felt so good to walk away tonight with so much crap off my chest, and so much validation, and a list of more things to DO... not wait for.

Also I have to say my son is a sweetheart. After dinner he asked me what time I was going out for coffee, then looked at the clock and asked if I would like to use the computer for awhile before I left. So THOUGHTFUL. I didn't actually need the computer for anything at that moment, but it was so nice that he asked. I let him know how thoughtful it was and how much I appreciated the gesture.

[tigerlily78]

But seriously we don't want them the way they are right now. If this is what my H chooses to be then I may have to move on when I see he won't or can't do that. That is why we must wait, be mz congeniality and wait...and oh, wait some more.

You are right Pud. The current version is a total wreck. That is not the guy I want to be with. I have to be able to wait out the metamorphosis, at least until such time as it becomes clear he isn't going to transform on a timescale I can accept.

Ms. Congeniality...The funny thing is that to other people I already AM that person. Right now my H just doesn't bring it out in me. It's all that other yucky stuff.

[JuneReN]

Awww...your son sounds great

I am glad you got out and your friend was able to give you some possible contacts and a lot of support.


You will have to step up and be that constant for your son. Especially for anyone on the spectrum, consistency is so important. While I feel that parental involvement is always warranted I would weigh sporadic involvement against the solidity your son craves.

Can you talk to H about this at all?

[tigerlily78]

Can you talk to H about this at all?

I think in some ways he already gets it, that it IS having a negative impact on our son (in his BD delusional state he had convinced himself with situation would "be better for everyone" in the long run.

I don't know, on one hand I guess if the timing and the mood was right he may be receptive to it... but I do think at times he files these kinds of thoughts/comments about our son's wellbeing into the "she's trying to use the kids against me" angle.

I had written him several notes early on pointing out that although I did understand he feels well within his rights to go off and be in a new relationship, that it was not acceptable for that relationship to force changes upon our son that were just selfish and unnecessary. Like there is really no good reason H going out with OW should warrant our son missing counseling or boy scouts... those are commitments our son has in his life that are normal and common place. For H to leave us in the situation we were in once scrambling for a ride to a meeting son has EVERY Monday like clockwork was inexcusable ("she was in the hospital for a day and then we decided to go back to her place and have a desperate screw to try and force intimacy onto our relationship" isn't a valid excuse in my book, just saying).

Our son did have a significant behavior incident at school within days of the bomb drop, and I did suggest that it could be an indication this situation was bleeding over into him emotionally, even if son was not aware of the situation yet in literal terms... he was already feeling the stress caused by it.

I have not specifically tried back H's parental issues though to what he is doing and that he could be passing this on to son. I think he has a mistaken sense that since son is 14, it's not going to be as big a deal as if he was younger. I think that is baloney myself. I know H did at some point mention or send me an article that bore out the kinds of longterm issues and insecurities tend to plague the children of split households... but again that is "general." I think he still thinks the rules and statistics apply to everyone else but H. For whatever reason his case and our situation and son's outcome will be the exception, not the rule.

[Mtnman]

Hang in there TL. Thinking the impact on their children will be different helps with the guilt over what they're doing. We all know the wounds will be the same.

[BrightFuture]

Tiger, I’ve just realized that you are in this situation without your own income and even without a car. I’m totally impressed that under these circumstances you are doing quite well. You mentioned that you don’t like your food sometimes because you have no appetite due to stress. I remember these moments last year when I could not eat and lost a lot of weight. I’m got all that weight back now trying to not gain more. You are incredible. I like reading your posts, you have so much insight into your own situation and everybody else’s.

I like Kate’s advice about the job. I cannot imagine being reliant on H myself. Last year, when I had a great job, I felt a lot more confident about myself.

My H said the same about the situation (him leaving) would be better for everyone. Why do they think it is OK to make these kinds of decisions for other people? I guess they do it to justify their behavior.

And about the OW… I smile when I read in the posts that OWs are jealous about the LBSs. Kate had a perfect example with her H. It is just given. My H thinks that we can share the condo (vacation home) between us and he also is planning to have an OW with him there. I think he is up for a major disappointment about his potential “harmonious” relationship with imaginary OW. Because I WILL visit the vacation home, and I think she is not going to like me there, LOL.

I agree with the advice to stop mentioning OW. I know it could be hard, but you can do it.

[JFun51]

A 14 year old boy desperately needs a father to teach him how to be a man. Your S is having enough weird stuff going on just being 14. He's now bearing the burden of what's going on with mom and dad. Keep him in mind always. Sending you positive thoughts and keeping him in my prayers.

[tigerlily78]

A 14 year old boy desperately needs a father to teach him how to be a man. Your S is having enough weird stuff going on just being 14. He's now bearing the burden of what's going on with mom and dad. Keep him in mind always. Sending you positive thoughts and keeping him in my prayers.

I know JFun. I am trying very hard to keep my son in my heart at the forefront of this. He and I already have a pretty strong relationship and not having cable tv and whatnot now has sure made us find new ways to spend quality time together. I feel bad that H is choosing to miss out on those experiences.

One of my biggest disappointments so far has been losing my temper and saying/yelling things at my H while son was in a position to hear it. I don't want to do that. It is not fair to put my son in that position even if H deserves every word of it at some other point in time.

In a lot of ways my H had already offloaded a lot of the parental engagement I would have liked for him to have over the years. And that is HIS loss and sadly, my son's loss. He seems to think being here a few nights a week to play computer games over the network fulfills what our son NEEDS from him. H has had issues with just rolling with the saves of having a child with disabilities. I feel like H's own insecurity made him reluctant to do things with us in public for fear that son would act out and embarrass him because of the disability.

Now my H is the one with the most pressing behavioral issues, and here we are both putting up with HIM the best we can anyways.

Thank you for keeping my son and I in your thoughts and prayers. I wish my H would get the message that he is burning precious time with his son and potentially doing a great deal of damage to someone he claims he loves.

[JFun51]

I'm sorry H has basically checked out in you and your S. My son has a young man with Aspergers that he has been to school with since K. My W actually taught the little fella in 1st grade. They are special and awesome kids. S12 goes out if his way each day at middle school now to exchange high fives and chat with him in the hall. When I ask him how he's doing, my son says, "He's cool, Dad. We wouldn't let anybody mess with him." I love my kid.

Sorry for the story, but I was thinking about yours and how much he needs stability right now. Be strong for him. You are an awesome mom!