Unlearning conflict avoidance - 8

[PatientMan]

PM - I feel compelled to respond, since it sounds to me like you feel I have done nothing. I have certainly changed my activities, though mostly in the US, where I go to various meetups, and that is fun. I've started a meetup here, but with little success, and so instead occasionally play music with two friends. I realize that my working alone all day here is not good for me, but don't see how to alter that without changing jobs (and so probably losing income). Being at work in the States is actually enjoyable, as other people are around, and my boss is great. Here it is isolating.

I've changed therapists and see two different ones.

At EE I am open about myself, but not with other non-EEers, not yet. I still only occasionally get personal emails or calls, which stinks. No one here in Sweden knows I went to EE - perhaps that should change.

I interview applicants to the college I went to, which is fun, and met a bunch of people at an alumni meeting. I rode a bike to and across the Golden Gate bridge during Thanksgiving, an excellent experience, played with my nephews, and had good walks/talks with my BIL's wife and her mom.

So, I am having a bit more fun, have met new people, but still don't have the friends here that I would like (okay, something to work on).

I would be grateful for any suggestions on what more to do/change.

There's a giant elephant in the room which you are ignoring. This elephant is taking giant dumps (as elephants do), and your "doing something" is to make sure the coffee table is dusted and the magazines are properly put away in the magazine rack...that everyone who has a drink is using coasters. You're making sure there's plenty of wood on the fire, the room temperature is comfortable, and that there's plenty of food to eat.

You're ignoring the elephant in the room.

And I'm sure you can figure out what the elephant is, but just in case, the elephant is your W and how you allow her to treat you.

Yes, how you ALLOW her to treat you.

This isn't "conflict avoidance" anymore, Luke, it's "how to avoid being a man around your W and setting a positive example for your children."

I don't mean to take shots at you, but it's been pointed out many times that your kids are watching you avoid the elephant in the room too. And that's the real tragedy here. You aren't just affecting you, you're affecting them too.

And I sit here flabbergasted that this simple truth doesn't seem to motivate you.

I am sorry it sounds to you as though I feel you have done nothing, so allow me be more specific. I feel you have done nothing to address the elephant in the room.

You have done other things, things that you can look at and proudly say, "I did that!", but you haven't addressed your problem.

You're asking for suggestions? Did you even reread this thread like I suggested? There is extremely specific advice on precisely what to do so that you can address the elephant in your room.

-PM