I'm not afraid to take a stand.......

[LoisB]

I very much miss what I had, the good parts anyway, but as we move forward I see that as good a man as he was he was always broken. I have always loved a broken man and I'm a very different woman now then I was then. I've evolved while he broke into smaller pieces.

Couldn't have said it better.

[TSquared2]

for me the main question is:
-Do I think/believe that a new and better relationship is possible, if not guaranteed, if I can stick this out?

[Whiterose]

I tell people.....you don't understand. As hard as we fought we loved. It was a truly, deeply, madly love. After my third emergency surgery (in less than two weeks) 10 years ago I had to have a nurse sit right beside me in recovery. My heart rate was so high they thought I'd have a heart attack, h couldn't be there he was home with the two boys and it was late. I woke up asking for him. I kept asking. He phoned to check in on me and my heart rate went down to an acceptable beat as soon as I knew he was on the phone........
Can I find someone else whom I will love so completely? Am I too broken now??? When your h refuses to fight for you after everything we've been through. Refuses to fight for your marriage and your children you wonder, no matter that cognitively I KNOW it has nothing to do with me, am I not worth the fight? If a man that I have shared EVERYTHING with thinks I'm unworthy why would any other man think I am??

[LoisB]

But, T, is that realistic? When do you have to force yourself to be realistic?

What if the other person has miles and miles and miles to go and has shown little to no action to give you an indication they will come to a point that they will want to make the effort?

[LoisB]

White, you are putting into words what I'm feeling.

I know that your H hasn't been gone a year. Maybe it's too soon for you? I applaud how you are handling his insanity and his push for the D.

I feel the same way you do, only I'm at the 2-yr-mark and it feels like Smokey woulda made some changes by now if it was meant to be.

But, what you wrote above, perfectly expresses my doubts now. I would much rather stay married and see this through. What do you do, though, when the other person doesn't appear to want that? When do you throw in the towel?

[TSquared2]

What if the other person has miles and miles and miles to go and has shown little to no action to give you an indication they will come to a point that they will want to make the effort?

That is for me to determine, like it is for you.

I don't know yet what will come out of the oven. I haven't seen anything "solid" yet that is intolerable, a deal breaker.

At the moment, I see progress, slow as it seems. I see effort.

That is enough, at this moment.

[LoisB]

Choosing to live with the OW in an apartment I helped him rent was the point when my faith turned sour. That's intolerable to me.

White, I guess you have to figure out what that point of no return looks like to you? Is there line you see as a deal breaker?

Thanks for clarifying T.

Heather

[TSquared2]

That said ^^^, in April she BD'd me #3...I was done. But I waited it out some more with no promise. Told her I'd give her her D.

And it's different now.

[job]

WR,
You've been married for quite some time and I do understand the questions that you are asking yourself. You've tried to reason w/this man and yet, he's not seen the light. You can go on w/your life and leave the door ajar and if God is willing to direct your h back into your arms, he will do so. But, until that time happens, you need to take care of you and your sons the best way that you can. Your h isn't providing for them...YOU are.

Now, I'm going to put another question to you...would you be thinking the way that you are about being unworthy for another man if your h had died?

I can honestly tell you that there are many here on the forum and in real life that go on to make their lives successful. Some meet future spouses and those new spouses treat them like kings and queens. The relationships are more mature, the love is more genuine and trust me, both parties are worthy of each other.

Just because you divorce, it doesn't mean that you can't work your way back to each other. In many cases, divorce has to be the final step in order to get financial assistance w/alimony, child support and yes, to protect your assets, your credit card debt, etc. It doesn't mean it's the end of the line for the two parties.

I want to make it abundantly clear, I do not advocate divorce, but when it comes to abuse of any kind , addictions, and/or a financial crisis whereby the family needs support and can't get it any other way, I am all for it. But, like I have said many times on this forum, only YOU can determine when you've had enough.

[LoisB]

If a man that I have shared EVERYTHING with thinks I'm unworthy why would any other man think I am??

Let's revise this statement to make it more accurate.

If a very broken, troubled man with which I've shared everything thinks I'm unworthy why would any other, possibly-much-less broken man think I am?

This broken man you married...doesn't he also think it's ok to do all sorts of things that you and I view as selfish, irrational and sorta dumb? Why would you trust what he thinks right now in any area of his life?