I'm not afraid to take a stand.......

[Whiterose]

I don't know if I'll trust him if he comes home....after his eyes are cleaned by the guy with the long beard and the mud . I've thought, since he left, that I haven't fully trusted him since he left the first time (when I got pregnant with S19) It's one of the things I've been working through.

I see that you can't fully love someone if you can't trust them........

I very much miss what I had, the good parts anyway, but as we move forward I see that as good a man as he was he was always broken. I have always loved a broken man and I'm a very different woman now then I was then. I've evolved while he broke into smaller pieces.

I seem to interact with men that give me those "little" 2 x 4's upside the head. Here and in my "real" life. Working on killing the dream of the life I thought was going to be. The thought of a new life, dating, new men, it's just UGGGG. I can own the fact that part of it is comfort. I know that no matter what I look like or feel there was a man there. He NEVER made me feel ugly with all my surgical scars and stretch marks. Are there other men out there that can be like that and respect me and love me completely and whom I can trust.....I think so. Am I terrified to find out. You know it! I don't want to do the work to find out. Laziness? I choose to want him, partly, out of laziness? I need to figure that out