While I have changed so much, H continues to think about himself first. When I saw his email, it just reminded me that H may never change and that is scary. I am mad that H continues to put me in the position of having to accept his A. I am mad that he does not respect me enough as a person to stop his A. I am mad that I will have to hold our kids while they cry about daddy not being around. I am mad that H does not even realize the true impact of his actions on us.
3, I can't even imagine how awful that must have felt for you in September, and then to have to relive it all again now.
It is very scary to imagine that your H will simply walk away, continuing to think only of himself, and leave you with the wreckage. I struggle with this myself, but try not to ruminate on it too much, since I have no idea how this is all going to turn out.
However, if I may. Look back a few posts and remember that just a few days ago you were marveling at how much your H and your relationship with him have changed in just the past two months. And if you look back even further, you will remember that you said that the man your H is now is nothing like the man he has been for the past two years - in a positive way. I am not going to sit here and defend your H. Yes, he is still carrying on an A. He is still being selfish. And he is still trying to eat cake. But it does sound that you are not the only one who has changed - he has too. Maybe not enough for you right now, but at least there are signs of progress.
I'm not going to say that you should be happy with his bread crumbs and not be angry . . . I'm just saying that, once you have beaten the crap out of a pillow, or drawn some mustaches on photos of H, or gone to the shooting range and put a photo of H on the target, and you want to look at this in a positive light - keep in mind that while things are not as you want them, they do appear (at least in some ways) to be going in the right direction.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
