Love is a Choice

[Whiterose]

H's dog isn't even a blip on his radar. The dog now sleeps in H's bed now next to me.....never happened when H lived here.

Funny thing, the dog has a better mattress than H. C'est la vie.

[JFun51]

WR and T2-So funny. I thought I was seeing something strange or just over analyzing. W has accused me of doing that throughout this.

[JFun51]

Topic for all of us with live-in MLCer's today:

Going dark/dim in the house while still sharing parenting/family duties is difficult. Emotional distance has helped to create problems in our R. I grasp that her MLC has nothing to do with me and she must work through this on her own. I am finding compassion for W and her struggle. I want to be there for her emotionally and let her understand that I believe in her.

Problem is, I don't want her to see me as pursuing or as abandoning her in her crisis. I guess I am struggling very hard with the concept of "lovingly distant."

Any insight from others with live-ins would be great. I respect everyone's sitches, and can learn from everyone, but I think us with live ins are in a unique position.

[AJM]

How do you see it as unique? Or different? I've done both, but I'm curious what you think about it?


AJ

[indigo1]

I can see where living under the same roof would make certain things very difficult. If I had the choice, I would want to still be in the house. Just knowing you will see you S's everyday has to be comforting in this tough time. As wild at your ride has been so far, you still have your home and a comfort zone. You can make the choice to leave, that's a nice option to have. I cant make the choice to move back in haha, and that stinks!

[Mach1]

How do you see it as unique? Or different? I've done both, but I'm curious what you think about it?

I second those questions...

[TSquared2]

Here's what I did/do still:

I always said, cheerfully, "hope you have a good day" when I left for work, expecting nothing back.

When I came home, "Hi, anything to check in on with the house, kids, pets, etc?" If she had something, i did full attention listening, validating, etc.

If not, then "Okay, if anything comes up, let me know, I'll be in the garage, doing "X', etc"

Then I would go about my business.

Whenever SHE would approach me on something, I stopped what I was doing, gave full attention (put the book down, turned away from the computer, etc) and gave full attention listening. If I was in the middle of something that I couldn't turn away from, say, like cooking, I said, "I need to get this saute done, and then I would be able to give you my full attention, does that work for you?"

Once or twice a week I would invite her to participate in something, like "I'm taking the dog for a walk, wanna come with?" If no, then "Okay, no problem, be back in a bit"

Sometimes, if it was realistic, I would approach her for assistance with something, BUT....it had to be something that I couldn't do on my own without help. She saw right through that (yes, I tried it....)

I think you get the idea...thing is to be sure you have no expectations, be pleasant, or, at least cordial. And her saying no is "no big deal to you"...like if she was a roommate. AND, GET BUSY in your OWN business, don't ask repeatedly, check back later, etc... one and done.

RH dubbed this "Aloof, but available", it is my mantra.

You have to keep aware of her mood, etc, and adjust as necessary, it will fluctuate. There'd be times when I wouldn't ask to do something, or skip the above because the chorus of demons scurrying about her head and the room told me..."uh, NOT a good time there T2, try back later"

[TSquared2]

I'll bite, after JF does....

[ForeverYoung]

In home and separate homes seems like a big difference to me. We see each other everyday, sometimes most of the day! Eat together, do errands together, run the house together. I also would not want to trade it for out of house separation. My W sleeps in our home every night. That means a lot to me.

I won't bother posting my "loving from afar" techniques, 'cause T2 pretty much spelled it all out. But then he did kinda raise me ever since I was just a little LBS.

[uRworthy]

Hey J. I just wanted to touch on something, if I may.

Mach gave a great explanation about triggers and MLC. And I didnt even need my cryptic decoder ring. (Mach and I are good friends and go back a long way - in case he reads that and this goes down hill. And I aint scardt..)

It understand the need to try to figure out how this crisis may have come to be and where it might be headed. We can make a pretty good guess about it all. But we cant really know for sure. So, you dont want to get stuck on all that, ya know?

To me, one of the best things you can do is to try to accept that this is what is for right now. Doesnt mean it will always be. It is all a process. But when you accept it, it frees you up from being surprised by her actions and getting hung up on them.

I heard a story from a nurse in a nursing home. She told me that there was a cat there who seemed to be able to sense when someone was really seriously ill. She would go to that person and stay on the foot of the bed. So, I have no doubt that your animals sense that something is going on with your wife.

I lived through both. In house and out of the house MLCer. Each has its own challenges. The thing to remember about it is that you should always be cordial. I like T2's aloof but available.

You just live your life. Do what you need and want to do. This gives her the space she needs and allows you to continue on your path.

I had wanted to talk to you about you telling her you love her. I know you wanted her to hear those words. I think soon after you saw some stuff from her. She knows you love her. But when you tell her that, she feels unheard. She is thinking, I dont want to be married to him, why is he telling me that?

You are doing great. Keep going.