Moving My Picnic Blanket Over Here

[bustingout]

This place is so full of love and support. Thank you ladies for being the wonderful women you are. Honored to be amongst you.

I have gotten into the habit of telling the kids how I feel at the moment. I try and be very honest. Very similar to what Heather described...is how I have been handling this situation with them. I encourage them to express their feelings as well and validate them and remind them to focus on the now and the blessings we have. I also tell them that daddy loves them.

We dont have family therapy here, I have been looking for something like a coach like we have, but for children. Someone S and D could speak to on the phone.

Like Heather said...no easy answer....

When H comes around I dont hover around him like I used to. I have found on his last trip he tends to come to my space more often. He spent more 'adult' time with me (mostly having a drink).

I feel more and more that I 'dont care' how I am around him. I am quite detached and I am friendly, upbeat...etc. Its not so much acting as if anymore, just how I am am. Also, I am more honest about things when I do speak with him. I might have taken it a step too far the other day on the phone.

Journal: After he left S9 commented that 'daddy stays 20 percent with us and 80 percent in (the other country)'

I asked S9 how he came up with those numbers and thought it weird for him to express it like that.

He said he over heard daddy tell someone that the LAST time he was here (in October).

So that meant S has been holding that in for over a month. I asked S9 how that made him feel and he said hurt and bad...I talked him through it.

I was upset by this. By the way H just said it like its no big deal in front of S9 having no clue how much S was hurt by it.

So I called H the next morning, very calm and friendly and told him what happened. He said he didnt realise how attentive S was (he IS 9 after all..but H left when he was 5...). He felt a little bad.

Conversation evolved into the kids and the move he wanted me to think about and I told him flat out I am not moving to where he is unless we were going to try and put this family back together.....oops on me. He was silent on that.

He said he wasnt forcing me to move but there is no future in the country we are in. I said I do see the validity of that point and I will make a decision when the time comes that is best for me and the kids and our happiness.

More oops on me.....I said I wouldn't know how to rebuild...i think trust would have to start to be rebuilt. He said I trust you. I said it didnt feel like it...not through his actions.

I said I have learned a lot over the past three years and I am not saying I have all the answers, I just know that there is another window to look through.

The conversation ended pleasantly and he called later to speak with the kids.

Blach...what was i thinking..i should have STFU. I am panicking between how to act with the niceness and fear of the niceness and a possible SLOW SLOW SLOW reconnection and not shut the door but not lose myself...etc.etc.

And then a part of me doesnt CARE how he responds. Am I sabatoging myself...?

We have spoken a few more times since then. Yesterday he called while me and kids were still at school and he asked to speak with the kids. He got confused with the time difference. Had a laugh about it. He said he would call later. He didnt.

Today I was telling him a funny story about D6..he actually LOL...that was rare. He said he couldnt call back yesterday because he had to go out for work with xyz...I didnt say anything, just noted in my head that he was telling me who he was with. He doesnt usually do that. He did it once before about a month ago.

It was literally a 2 minute convo. I said bye first and he said wait someone wants to say hi. And his best friend from university who lives in that country got on the phone.

I know this man too...also from our university days. H and I used to hang out with A LOT and spent several summers together.

I spoke with friend was very pleasant..he was like when are you coming out here?I lol and made nice and was actually very happy to speak with him.

Convo ended, H got back on phone and I said bye.

Thought it curious that he had his friend speak with me.

So there it is for today. Sorry for the long windedness of it.

March on.