My lesson for today - trying to let go of more control. H sent me an email letting me know that he would be out of town for a week in February (OW will be there too, makes me sick to my stomach, boo). He said that he also wants to go on a guys weekend with his cousins the weekend before and was asking if there were any conflicts. I wrote back that it was fine and to let me know the exact dates to put on my calendar.
What I really wanted to say is "Dont you care about the fact that you are not going to see your kids for three straight weekends?" I refrained because I know that I would have said that in the past and clearly it never made a difference. It shows me again that H and I are in very different places in terms of how we view our alone time and time with our kids. I have a work trip in January that I cannot get out of. But I made every effort to take the last flight out and the first flight home to limit my time away from the kids. Dont get me wrong, I will make an effort to enjoy my time when I am away, but I also could not just take off three weekends in a row.
Deep breathe ... I cant change H. I cant change how he chooses to live his life. I cant make him want to be here, to be a family or to be with me. I can only control myself, my life and my interactions with the kiddos.
Thinking about being in this same situation in February hurts. I feel like this is never going to end. Life has been so hard for so long. I deserve a break. I don't know how to get there...
Thinking about being in this same situation in February hurts. I feel like this is never going to end. Life has been so hard for so long. I deserve a break. I don't know how to get there...
Feelings are real, but feelings are NOT reliable. This, too, shall pass.
Just because you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't mean there isn't one. Yours is there, waiting for you...you just have to keep pushing towards it.
Know that and endure well.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Deep breathe ... I cant change H. I cant change how he chooses to live his life. I cant make him want to be here, to be a family or to be with me. I can only control myself, my life and my interactions with the kiddos.
This is one that I need to repeat to myself many times a day. During our M, I tried to do exactly this. I don't think I'm going out on a limb to say it backfired big time.
I know this is easier said than done, but try not to dwell on what's going to happen in February. As labug said to me, you don't know how you will feel then. Heck, you don't even know whether it will actually happen.
I am also wondering - when you really think about it, are you actually upset because (or only because) your H isn't going to see the kids three weekends in a row, or are you hurt that he is going away with OW (or even just without you, or instead of being with you), but it's coming out as something that sounds more reasonable and sympathetic? Just asking because I have noticed that I get mad at H for things having to do with the kids (or the dishes that he took, or whatever), but when I dig a little deeper, I realize that whatever I am thinking I am angry about is really just a cover for what I am *actually* upset about.
Keep working on you and enforce your boundaries!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
PM - Thank you so much. I really needed your kind words today.
Melissa - There are so many different layers to all of this. I think that H's email today took me back to one of the hardest months of my life. This past September, H went to a similar conference with OW. H was still angry and very selfish. H showed no sympathy that it would be hard on me for him to go away with OW for a week. He only called once to talk to the kids. My oldest son had a horrible time and was worried that H would not come home. When I told H about it, he told me that I was exaggerating our son's feelings as a ploy to get him back. This email today brought me right back to this past September.
While I have changed so much, H continues to think about himself first. When I saw his email, it just reminded me that H may never change and that is scary. I am mad that H continues to put me in the position of having to accept his A. I am mad that he does not respect me enough as a person to stop his A. I am mad that I will have to hold our kids while they cry about daddy not being around. I am mad that H does not even realize the true impact of his actions on us.
While I have changed so much, H continues to think about himself first. When I saw his email, it just reminded me that H may never change and that is scary. I am mad that H continues to put me in the position of having to accept his A. I am mad that he does not respect me enough as a person to stop his A. I am mad that I will have to hold our kids while they cry about daddy not being around. I am mad that H does not even realize the true impact of his actions on us.
3, I can't even imagine how awful that must have felt for you in September, and then to have to relive it all again now.
It is very scary to imagine that your H will simply walk away, continuing to think only of himself, and leave you with the wreckage. I struggle with this myself, but try not to ruminate on it too much, since I have no idea how this is all going to turn out.
However, if I may. Look back a few posts and remember that just a few days ago you were marveling at how much your H and your relationship with him have changed in just the past two months. And if you look back even further, you will remember that you said that the man your H is now is nothing like the man he has been for the past two years - in a positive way. I am not going to sit here and defend your H. Yes, he is still carrying on an A. He is still being selfish. And he is still trying to eat cake. But it does sound that you are not the only one who has changed - he has too. Maybe not enough for you right now, but at least there are signs of progress.
I'm not going to say that you should be happy with his bread crumbs and not be angry . . . I'm just saying that, once you have beaten the crap out of a pillow, or drawn some mustaches on photos of H, or gone to the shooting range and put a photo of H on the target, and you want to look at this in a positive light - keep in mind that while things are not as you want them, they do appear (at least in some ways) to be going in the right direction.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Thank you so much ladies. You are right. I am better prepared to deal with it this time around. Who knows were things will be in two months. One day at a time.
Last night was interesting and totally unexpected and I am not sure what to do. H called after dinner last night and we talked about logistics with the kids today. He sounded upbeat, nothing out of the ordinary. H chatted with D3 and then we said goodbye.
Fast forward to 2 am. D4 was in my bed and woke me up rolling around. I could not fall back to sleep. I was not really thinking about anything in particular or worrying. After an hour of laying in bed, I grabbed my phone and figured I would look online until I was tired again. One minute later, H called me. At first, I thought that I had accidentally called him, but realized that he was calling me. Since it was 3 am, I answered worried that something was wrong. I could immediately tell that he had been drinking. I asked the normal "are you ok" "where are you" questions. With his prior DUI, I wanted to make sure he was not driving. I figured out that he was in a cab. He said that he knew that he had to come over early in the morning to take the kids to school so wanted to know if I wanted him to just take the cab to my house (instead of where he is living). I told him that I thought it was a good idea for him to just head home to his house, get a few hours of sleep and then come in the morning having showered and with new clothes since we had teacher/parent conferences. He said ok, followed by silence. Then he says that he cares about me and wants to come over to be with me. He says that he knows it is against the rules but he was thinking about me. I was really surprised at how calm I was and just told him that while I care about him too I think that it would be best if he headed home. He clearly had given the cab driver my address because I could hear the gps giving directions to our house. He had to tell the cab driver he was now going to a different location. I told him goodnight and that I would see him in the morning.
Fifteen minutes later, H calls again. H talked for almost an hour, was rambling and kind of hard to understand at times. I tried to listen and validate his feelings. After a few minutes of rambling about caring about me and thinking about me all night and just wanting to hold me, H started sobbing. He said that he is a mess and lost. He said that Thursdays are his hardest days. He says that he is so lonely, that he has no friends and no one to talk to (which is crazy since my H is friends with everyone and has like 1000 friends on FB). He said that he called a random person to have dinner with him just so that he did not have to be alone. He said that he loves Wed/Fri/Sun because that is when he is with the kids and our family. He said that I am beautiful and perfect and that he does not deserve me. He said a few times that we are just so far apart. I tried really hard to validate his feelings. At one point he asked if he had been a good father in the past. I told him that he has always loved our kids, but for a while he was gone all the time and stopped being a great day. But I told him that recently he has been a fantastic dad. I told him that I am so proud of him. At this point, he really lost it. He was crying harder than I have ever heard. After a while, he asked if I thought he would be a good dad even if we got divorced. I told him "If you choose to be a good dad, you will be a good dad. If you choose to be a good husband, you will be a good husband. H, you have a choice in all of these things. It is not just about feelings. You can choose to be a great dad, a great friend, a great husband." He continued to cry even harder. He just kept saying that we are so far apart. He said that I hate him and that I should hate him because of the things that he did. H said that I am always going to hate him for it. I told H that I have never hated him. I did hate some of the decisions that he made, but I did not and tell don't hate him, nor will I ever. He kept apologizing for calling. At the end of the call, he was saying that he was a mess and lost and had no idea what he was doing, but he was so alone. He said that he cared about me and wanted to ask me out to the movies and just hold me (he mentioned his over and over). I told him that I want those things too, but I cant go there if he is still with the OW. I cant always wonder if I was the second phone call of the night. He just cried and said that I was not the second phone call. Eventually he said that he would be alright and put on a brave face tomorrow and pretend that everything is ok. I picked H up this morning for the conference and he apologized again. I told him that he does not need to apologize or have things be awkward.
What the heck do I do? This was totally out of left field and something that I was not prepared for. I think that I did a pretty good job of handling it. As much as I would have loved to have H come over and be with me (I am pretty sure it would have lead to ML, which I then fantasized about the rest of the night), but I know that it would have set me back if he went distant again today. I guess that it taught me that the fantasy that H is living really is not that great after all. H really is lost and sad and a mess. It breaks my heart because I know that he is focusing on the wrong things. H thought that being free and alone would solve the sadness and make him happy. H clearly is not happy. There is something else going on with H. How can he not see that being separated and getting a divorce is not the answer? How can he not see that drinking will not take away his sadness?
How wonderful (and awful) that you got to see the inside of his emotional brain! These are the things that he is really feeling inside, despite the fact that it was alcohol induced.
He is finally starting to realize what he is doing and what trouble he has caused. However, without the alcohol he may not feel so brave and may start to retreat because he was very vulnerable with you. Plus if he was drunk he might not remember some of it.
I think you handled it AWESOME 3. I love how you said you didn't hate him just you hated the decisions he has made.
I think this is where you need to let it lie with him and not bring it up again unless he does. He has admitted some serious things and he needs to stew on that and sort it out in his own head. I still think it was amazing to see inside the mind of an mlc'er!!
You're doing extremely well if you ask me, keep doing what you're doing.
My two cents.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
